ROADS
by Patcat
Summary: Goren and Eames must work with the SVU detectives on a case that comes close to Goren.
1. Chapter 1

ROADS

I've rated it T, but there are depictions of violence that might push it towards an M rating.

Chapter ONE

"I hate calls like this," Olivia Benson thought. It was cold, bitterly cold with the wind blowing tiny, sharp needles through her heavy coat. She gratefully sipped her hot coffee. "I suppose," she thought. "That if I ever stop hating this sort of thing I should start worrying."

Olivia saw her partner Elliott Stabler, a familiar scowl on his face, surrounded by a flock of crime scene technicians and uniforms. She sighed; the past few weeks since they resumed their partnership had been difficult. Everything was slightly offbeat, and Olivia couldn't tell if the fault lay mainly with her or Elliott. "Maybe no one's," she thought. "Maybe just what happens when you run away from each other." She flashed her badge at a young uniform and decided she needed an evening of margaritas with Alex Eames, who understood something about difficult partners and friends.

"Elliott," Olivia said. "What we got?"

"Victim's about thirty…thirty-five…white or Hispanic…dark hair, dark eyes. Garbage men found her when they made their pickup this morning." Elliott recited the facts flatly. "Naked…several stab wounds. Looks like she was killed somewhere else and dumped here."

Olivia frowned. "One Police Plaza is…what…two blocks from here?"

Elliott's scowl deepened. "Yea…just what we need…the Brass breathing down our necks…and the Major Case hotshots…"

Olivia stepped closer to and stared down at the body. The combination of the blinding crime scene lights and the pale morning haze combined to remove whatever color was left of its skin. The woman lay on her back, her long black hair spread in a halo around her head. Her arms and legs were spread wide, and jagged cuts and other marks of torture covered her body. Her dark eyes were open and stared at the sky. Olivia had seen many bodies in her career—far too many. Some were remarkably peaceful, demonstrating few signs of their terrible deaths. But this woman had suffered horribly before she died, and her body and face showed it.

"It looks like the perp left her like this to humiliate her," Olivia said quietly.

"And maybe us," Elliott said grimly. "We can't do much more here…The uniforms are scanning for witnesses and the techs are almost done…I'll meet you back at the squad room."

As Olivia reached her car, a black SUV pulled up next to her. Alex Eames' head poked through the driver's side window.

"Olivia," Alex said in a friendly and concerned voice. "Coming or going?"

"Leaving a scene," Olivia replied. "You?" Beyond Alex's small frame, Olivia could just make out a large, dark, bulk that she guessed was Robert Goren. The bulk leaned forward to try to see more of the crime scene.

"Just getting back after an all nighter," Alex said wearily. She frowned. "You got a body? This close to Major Case?"

Olivia nodded; she had no qualms about talking to Alex Eames, who was one of the good guys in Olivia's book. And Olivia extended that privilege to Bobby Goren, in spite of the fact she barely knew the detective. If Alex Eames thought Bobby Goren was ok, that was enough for Olivia Benson. Elliott, who also had little actual experience with Goren, viewed him with disdain; John Munch was simply grateful there was another NYPD detective with a reputation weirder than his. But Odafin Tutuola, the only SVU detective who'd actually worked with Goren, was a fan.

"I'd lay down in front of a bus if he asked me to," Fin told the other SVU detectives over drinks one evening. Goren and Eames' spectacular and successful conclusion of a case had been splashed over the news and was the subject of interest and debate throughout the NYPD. Elliott uttered several derogatory remarks about Goren's methods, and Fin rose to Goren's defense.

"He doesn't want the publicity…He hates it…He doesn't like the Brass…Hates 'em…He understands the perps, but he doesn't make excuses for them…He's smart…scary smart…He's the best detective I've ever seen…and one of the best men I've ever known…I like you, Elliott…and I'd say a lot of good things about you…but you don't know Goren and I can't let you talk him down when you don't know what you're talking about…" And for once Elliott shut up.

Olivia's attention returned to Alex. "Yea…it looks like a tough one…"

"Bold perp." Olivia heard a low, rumbling voice.

Alex darted a look into the dark interior of the SUV. "Take it easy, Bobby…We've got plenty of tough work of our own." She turned back to Olivia. "We'll let you get back to work, Olivia. Call me…we can get a drink or coffee or something."

"Will do, Alex," Olivia said with a wave.

Olivia just beat Elliott back to the SVU squad room.

"I bet," he growled as he neared their desks. "None of the Major Case Squad is going to dirty their hands with the case on their doorstep…"

Olivia glared at him. "Elliott, you don't even know anyone in Major Case…Alex Eames busts her butt off…They have the same problems we do…"

Elliott returned the glare. He'd always hated to be contradicted, but since Olivia's return from undercover duty he'd been particularly difficult.

"People." Captain Don Cragen emerged from his office, followed by Munch. "We've got something possibly connected with your body of this morning."

Munch dropped several papers and a map on his desk. "I've found four other cases close by similar to this one," he said. "All within the last month…all women between thirty and forty…all dark haired and dark eyed…all petite…all raped, tortured, stabbed…all dumped near a police station…one other in Manhattan…Finn and I just started that one…Another here…" Munch pointed to a spot on the map. "Another here…" He indicated another spot further north on the map. "And the first body here…just behind the police station in Carmel Ridge."

End Chapter One


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Alex struggled to stifle a yawn as she shuffled papers on her desk.

"Ok, Eames?" Captain Danny Ross asked as he passed her desk.

"Nothing a few hours of sleep won't cure," she answered. "Or strong coffee, which my partner is about to supply."

Ross looked across the squad room to the coffee table; Bobby was pouring a steady stream of sugar into a coffee cup. "He made it to the scene ok last night?"

Alex nodded. "He got there about fifteen minutes after me." She looked steadily at Ross; Alex knew her captain was concerned about Bobby's possible preoccupation with his mother's condition. "He told me everything was fine…and he's certainly been acting that way."

"All right…thank you, Eames." Ross resumed his journey to his office. Alex watched as he stopped briefly to speak with Bobby, who tilted his head to listen to the captain. Bobby spoke a few words, he and Ross shared a wry smile, and Bobby continued to Alex's desk.

"There you go," he said genially as he placed her coffee on her desk. "That should have enough caffeine and sugar even for you."

"Everything ok with the Captain?" Alex asked. Relations between Bobby and Ross were still uneasy, but improving.

Bobby took a sip of his coffee before he answered. "Uh…yea…I was just telling him I managed to get a speeding ticket getting to the scene last night…He offered to help me with it…" Bobby smiled. "He claimed it was professional courtesy."

"Robert Goren," Alex shook her head. "You're the only cop I know who won't flash his badge to get out of a ticket…"

"It's usually faster to just accept it," Bobby said. "Although most of the cops from here to Carmel Ridge know me." A sad shadow crossed his eyes. "I've driven the route enough."

"How was your mom?" Alex asked cautiously.

Bobby dropped his eyes to the reports on his desk, and for a moment Alex thought he wouldn't answer. "She was," he finally said. "Pretty good…calm." He smiled wryly. "I'm just glad when she's calm."

Alex nodded and returned to her work. In the days since Thanksgiving Bobby had worked at both their professional and personal connections. He spoke with her about his mother; he comforted her when he could. But there were still moments when he raised huge barriers between them. There were days when he vibrated with anger and guilt and fear; the next day he would be stoic and gentle and resolved. It was simplest and safest to wait for his revelations, for her to ask the most mundane of questions and wait for Bobby to expand on his answers. It was a frustrating process—Alex sometimes felt that for every step Bobby took on the road to becoming closer to her, he took two steps back.

Today, however, was a good day. He was calm, collected, and, in spite of his lack of sleep, at the top of his game. By noon, the pieces of their latest case were set together; Alex and Bobby required only the M.E.'s report to confirm their findings. Bobby cheerfully offered to buy lunch, and they were on the point of exiting Major Case when Ross waved them into his office.

"You're not in trouble," the captain said as he closed the door behind them. "At least not yet. You've heard about the body found this morning a couple of blocks from here?"

"We drove by the scene," Alex answered. "Talked to Olivia Benson from SVU."

"You know her?" Ross asked.

Alex nodded. "Friend of mine…We get together once in a while for a drink or coffee…Complain about the department…"

"And their partners," Bobby added dryly.

A smile tugged at the corners of Ross' mouth.

"I'm not saying anything," Alex said lightly. "Privileged information."

"Well, it may be helpful," Ross said. "There's a "request" from the Brass…"

"We're being asked to help with the case," Bobby said quietly.

"Actually, to help with five cases," Ross said. "This morning's victim is Rosa Santello…She's a librarian at the New York Public Library…and her father is a close friend of the Mayor…She was identified quickly because her ID was found near her body…Which was also the case in these four other cases…All of the victims were between thirty and forty…all dark haired and dark eyed…all librarians or curators…all showing the same methods of torture and all killed somewhere else and dumped near a police station…There was another dumped in Manhattan…and three others in towns on State Road 15…"

Alex sensed a slight start in Bobby at the name of the road; he'd mentioned it as the best route to Carmel Ridge.

Unaware of Bobby's reaction, Ross continued. "SVU was already investigating the first body dumped in the city…"

Alex sighed. "And how many other agencies are involved?"

Ross gave her a sympathetic look. "New York State Police, two counties, two small town departments…I've spoken with Don Cragen, the SVU captain…He's not happy, but he accepts the political realities…He has a rep as a good guy, and he certainly sounded like that to me. He told me the State and others have been very cooperative. I've assured him I'm not crazy about being forced on him and that SVU will get the credit it deserves in the investigation."

"Well," Bobby said quietly. "I worked in Narcotics with Detective Finn…He's in SVU now…A good guy and cop."

"And Olivia will be glad of the help," Alex added. She frowned. "But her partner…Stabler…will hate us."

Ross studied Bobby and Alex. "You both can deal with SVU leading on this? At least officially?"

Alex shrugged. "I've always said I'm not in this job to get noticed."

Bobby nodded. "I just want to do the job."

"That's what I told Cragen," Ross said quietly. "Hand off your current cases to Logan and Wheeler and bring them up to speed. Then head over to SVU…" He raised a hand to stop them before they headed out of his office. "I know this is a political thing, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. But there's also someone out there killing and torturing women…Cragen told me this guy is bad, very bad…Four of these women had young children…"

Alex winced; Bobby blinked.

"You're the best the department has," Ross continued. "And if you can stop this guy, the hell with the politics…"

"I'm not looking forward to this," Alex said as they walked back to their desks.

"Fin and Benson will be ok…Even glad to see us," Bobby said quietly. "And we'll probably get a chance to work with George Huang…He's a psychiatrist who works with SVU a lot…I've read some of his work…He's first rate."

"And Don Cragen does have a rep as one of the best guys in the Department," Alex said as she sat at her desk. "But the Brass will be breathing down our necks…and when the press gets hold of this story…" She shook her head. "And Elliott Stabler can be a real jerk…"

End Chapter TWO


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Standard

My apologies to all Stabler admirers. He was a convenient foil. Many thanks for all of the kind reviews.

Chapter Three

Over the next few days, Elliott Stabler unfortunately lived up to Alex's predictions. He was a jerk. He glared at Alex and Bobby when they appeared in the SVU squad room; muttered about "stupid theories" when Bobby opened his mouth; and generally refused to cooperate. The rest of the SVU squad, fortunately, was more professional and welcoming. Alex and Olivia Benson interviewed the victims' families and friends ("I don't envy you that," Bobby, his eyes dark and sympathetic, told Alex); Munch, who Alex liked for his dark, bleak humor, continued investigating patterns; Fin poured over records of similar crimes; and Bobby and Dr. George Huang tried to make sense of it all.

No additional victims appeared. "The only problem with that," Bobby said quietly at one early morning meeting. "Is that we don't have any additional information."

Stabler briefly ceased his angry prowling around the room and glared at Bobby. "You sound disappointed, Goren."

Alex scowled at Stabler; Olivia sighed; and the other detectives focused on the files in front of them.

"If that's the impression I gave," Bobby said steadily. "I'm sorry…I certainly don't want any more victims…No one does…"

"You're being unfair, Elliott," George Huang said quietly. "You know there's a two-edged sword we deal with in these cases…"

"Do we have anything close to a profile of this guy?" Munch asked. "Besides his apparent knowledge of State Road 15?"

"I know that road," Bobby said softly. "Not much to know about it." He leaned forward and rested his chin in his hand. "Dr. Huang and I have some things…a lot of it is common sense…"

Disdain on his face and in his posture, Stabler leaned against a wall; the other detectives were quietly attentive. Bobby looked at Huang, who spoke carefully.

"He's probably a white male…in his thirties or forties…" The psychiatrist glanced occasionally at his notes. "He knows something about police and police procedures…and likely has a grudge of some kind against law enforcement…"

"And women," Munch said dryly.

Huang nodded. "Women in their mid-thirties who have dark hair and eyes and are small…and all of the victims have been librarians or teachers…"

Alex shot a quick look at Bobby, who was calm and placid; as she looked back at Huang she saw that Stabler was closely watching Bobby.

"He could be," Bobby said softly and deliberately. "A cop…"

There was a collective wince among the detectives. Stabler snorted.

"Easy to target other cops, Goren," he said bitterly.

Bobby titled his head. "It's a possibility we have to consider," he said.

Alex watched her partner. He was trying very hard—and largely succeeding—at hiding his irritation with Elliott Stabler. "Probably better than I am," Alex thought. She noted that Olivia Benson glared at Stabler. "Bobby may be doing better than anyone here."

Fin broke the silence. "Do we know if this guy's got a history?"

Huang shook his head. "These killings have some distinctive touches…signatures…and there's no history of any similar cases in any databases…"

"The first victim." Bobby spoke almost as if he addressed only himself. "There were hesitation marks…It was probably his first…"

"So, you know all of this, how, Goren? Know all about him?" Stabler said bitterly.

Bobby returned from his reverie. "Not a hundred percent," he said quietly. "But it's highly likely…"

"What set this creep off?" Munch asked. "Why's he started chopping and dicing women now?"

Huang sighed. "Some crisis, I'd guess," he said. "Some professional or personal storm…or both…I hate to sound like a cliché, but it's possibly related to a wife…girlfriend…"

"Mother," Bobby said in a low voice.

"Well, whatever set it off," Munch said. "This whacko has some serious issues…"

"Ok?" Alex asked as she passed by Bobby as the meeting broke up.

Bobby glanced up at her; for a moment he looked exhausted and lost. "Yea…" He rubbed the back of his neck, and Alex glimpsed some of his dark thoughts. "It's…it's just…some of it…It's hitting a little close."

"You're handling it well," Alex said gently. "I was ready to whack Stabler up the side of the head."

Bobby smiled weakly. "Right now, I can't afford the energy to deal with that sort of thing…the case…other things…"

Alex cautiously laid a hand on Bobby's arm. He hadn't spoken of his mother recently beyond a few words. "How is your Mom?"

For a moment she thought he wouldn't answer her or would pull away, but Bobby finally spoke. "She's…she's doing as well as can be expected…At least that's what the doctors keep telling me…" He stared at the desk. "But they admit they don't know what to expect…Even the most experienced of them haven't dealt with treating someone with schizophrenia for cancer…" He took a deep breath; Alex sensed he was weighing how much to reveal to her. She realized she was desperately hoping he would trust her.

"It's…it's just hard," he said in a low, hoarse voice. "To watch her suffer more…especially…after all she's suffered…and she gets…so upset and confused…" Bobby's carefully constructed defenses wavered, and Alex glimpsed the torment behind them. "But…but…" Just as suddenly, the walls rose again. "I can deal with it…It'll be ok…"

She didn't press the issue, but Bobby remained in Alex's thoughts as she worked with Olivia Benson in the afternoon. It was dreary, depressing work requiring reviewing the accounts of the victims' husbands and fathers and mothers and daughters and brothers and sisters.

"Good grief, Olivia," Alex asked as they broke for coffee. "How do you do this every day?"

Olivia smiled wanly. "Well, you don't get used to it. If you get used to it, you need to get out."

Alex nodded. "My Dad was a cop. He always said that…and that you couldn't let yourself care too much…Nice tightrope we get to walk."

Olivia was grateful for the chance to talk. "Yea…Most of the time helping the victims…and the people I work with…It helps me keep my balance…but there are times…" She shook her head. "I need to apologize for Stabler…He usually isn't such a jerk…but I'm afraid his idea of what Goren is…"

"Yea, a lot of people have some idea of what Bobby's like," Alex said. "And they're wrong…" She smiled. "Mostly…"

"I've noticed," Olivia said, returning the smile. "He's shown remarkable patience…I've wanted to pop Elliott a few times myself…" She sighed. "Partners, uh?"

"Yea," Alex said. "Partners."

Her cell phone rang just as Alex left SVU; it was an apologetic and depressed Bobby. Carmel Ridge had called; his mother needed him; he'd told Ross.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know…I know you…If you have a bad time tonight…you can call me…"

In spite of her worries about him, Alex smiled at Bobby's concern for her. Since what she and Bobby had come to call the "thing", he'd occasionally spent the night at her home, usually planting his large, reassuring presence on her couch or the chair in her room, but sometimes wrapped around her in her bed to drive away the nightmares. His visits had become less frequent in recent days, due both to his mother's condition and Alex's improvement, but Alex found the possibility of his presence remarkably reassuring.

"I'll be ok…but thank you for thinking of me," Alex said. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"I…I will be…I'll see you tomorrow."

Alex strongly suspected Bobby wouldn't appear the next morning and dreaded his state if he did. To her surprise, he was calm and relaxed. He and George Huang were in a deep conversation when Alex arrived at work. She placed a large coffee cup on Bobby's desk.

"Sorry, Doctor," she smiled. "I've only brought coffee for my partner."

Huang returned the smile. "Well, the Major Case coffee is better than the stuff in SVU…but that's not saying much…"

Alex took a long drink of her coffee. "You and Bobby come up with anything?"

Bobby stared at his computer screen. "We may have established a time pattern…The attacks appear to come every three to four weeks…"

Alex's throat tightened. "Which means…it's time for another…"

Bobby and Huang nodded grimly.

On cue, the psychiatrist's phone rang. He answered, a dark look crossing his face. "All right," Huang said. "I'm at Major Case…I'll be there soon…with Goren and Eames…" He frowned. "Damn…Elliott…drop the attitude…"

"Another?" Alex asked.

Huang nodded. "This time dumped near SVU…"

End Chapter Three


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

It was a depressingly familiar scene. The slight body of a woman lay on its back, its dark eyes staring at the sky. Alex shivered; the cold, raw air was only partially responsible for her body's reaction. As terrible as the wounds to the first five victims, the jagged marks of torture on this body were much worse.

"He's accelerating…raising the bar," George Huang said to Alex and Olivia Benson. "It looks like he tortured her for several days…"

Bobby knelt, engaged in his usual meticulous examination of the body. Elliott Stabler glared down at him.

"You got your wish, Goren," he said. "Another body."

Bobby's head shot up, and in the glare of the crime scene lights, Alex saw a flame in his eyes.

"Not my wish, Stabler. I wouldn't wish this…" He swept his arm over the body. "On anyone…"

He returned to his careful study of the battered woman; he started as he looked closely at her face. The movement would have escaped anyone less familiar with Bobby, but Alex noticed it. She stepped closer to Bobby.

"What is it?" she asked.

He glanced at her. "I…there's something…I think…I may have seen her somewhere…" He sadly shook his head. "Maybe I've seen too many of these…"

Alex returned to stand by Olivia and Huang. The psychiatrist watched Bobby closely. "He's very…involved," he said. Several of the crime scene techs were also fascinated by Bobby's methods, while others, more experienced in dealing with him, stood ready to respond to any of his requests.

"I heard about his methods at a scene," Huang continued. "But…it's…it's compelling. He treats the body with…with such respect…even while he's looking for clues…"

"It usually takes people a while to get that," Alex said. "Even me…"

Olivia, equally fascinated by Bobby's techniques, spoke. "There's a reason for everything he does…"

Alex nodded. "People just need to give him a chance…He's so used to people not giving him a chance that he's given up trying to explain…"

His investigation of the body complete, Bobby stood up, spoke with several of the CSU techs, and walked towards Alex.

"It's worse?" Huang asked.

Bobby grimly nodded. "Yea…It looks like he might have had her for several days…" He looked almost apologetically at Alex and Olivia.

"And he's demonstrating his contempt for the police more openly," Huang said.

"He believes he's smarter than us," Bobby said, frustration edging into his voice. "And, so far, he is."

"We have any ID on the victim?" Alex asked.

Olivia shook her head. "He's decided to make us work for this one," she said. "We've got the uniforms canvassing for it…We'll find it…"

Finn emerged from the glare of the lights. "We may have a witness…someone who saw him dump the body…" He tried, not entirely successfully, to control his excitement. "Homeless woman who lives in the little park over there…We're bringing her in to see if she can give us a description…"

A uniform handed Olivia a small plastic bag. She held it up to the light.

"The victim's ID," she said. "Sarah Ramana…thirty five…employed by the Hudson University Library…"

Bobby's hand jerked to his mouth. "That's where I know her," he said sadly. "I've talked to her…seen here…when I've done research…

"So." Elliott Stabler popped up just behind Bobby. "It's a little more personal now…not just some intellectual exercise…"

Alex fought the urge to pull her gun and jam it in Stabler's throat. She saw the flame again rise in Bobby's eyes, but it disappeared. He barely turned towards Stabler.

"It never was…or is…an intellectual exercise," Bobby said quietly.

Alex wasn't certain if it was Bobby's comment or Olivia's glare, but Stabler shut up and remained quiet as they detectives left the scene. Bobby was terribly silent as they rode in the SUV to the SVU.

"You ok?" Alex asked, trying not to let too much worry creep into her voice.

He sat, a silent lump in the passenger seat, for several minutes. "Yea," Bobby finally said. "It's just…she was…I didn't really know her…but…but she was nice…" He stared out the window. "Eames…" She could barely hear his voice. "If…you don't think this case…Do you think I'm OK?"

Alex grip tightened on the steering wheel; she was conscious of the enormous leap of faith Bobby had just taken.

"Yes," she answered, and her voice's strength surprised her. "I won't deny that I'm concerned…There's a lot of things about this case that cut awfully close to you…But I think you're fine…" She chanced a smile. "The fact you haven't tried to kill Stabler shows me that."

Bobby smiled weakly. "I think I'd have to get in line behind you…and Fin…and even Benson…" The smile faded. "You will tell me…if I need to back away…"

"Have you ever known me to be shy about sharing my opinion…especially about you?"

Bobby studied her. "No…but…we've been a…a little off lately…"

Alex took a deep breath. "Well," she said. "There's a lot of reasons for that…"

"That's an understatement," Bobby said gently. "But I…I think…I feel like…like we're getting past it…or at least dealing with it better…" He swallowed. "I…I trust you, Eames."

Alex felt her heart flutter; Bobby had never been so open with her.

"I know," he continued. "That I'm not as open…I try…but I can't tell you everything…especially about my Mom…but it's not you…It's never been you…It's just hard…Please believe me…" He looked at her with dark, desperate eyes.

Alex was glad that the task of driving occupied her. "I…I know you're trying," she said. "And I can only imagine how hard it is for you…That you can trust me…It means so much to me…"

They reached the SVU Squad's building; Alex pulled into the parking garage. She glanced at Bobby. "Ready?"

He gave a faint smile. "As much as I'll ever be."

The SVU squad room was charged with tension and frustration. Finn stared furiously at a board with photos and information about the victims; Munch, his mood darker than usual, glared at his computer screen; Olivia Benson focused on the file in front of her. All three detectives seemed to be trying to will information to appear in front of them. Elliot Stabler strode angrily from an interview room, followed by a chastened George Huang.

"Can't even begin to talk with her," Stabler muttered.

Alex and Bobby hung up their coats. "The witness?" Alex asked.

"Yea." Fin looked away from the board. "She's not the easiest person to talk to…"

"She doesn't have a high opinion of cops or doctors," Huang sighed.

Bobby stood quietly studying the woman in the interview room. "Could I try?" His voice was soft and he seemed to be apologizing for the request.

"You got some sort of psychic link with crazy people, Goren?" Stabler sneered. "As well as with psycho-killers?"

Before Alex could shoot across the room and strangle Stabler, Fin spun and growled. "Back off, Stabler. You're way off base." Fin turned to Bobby, who ignored everyone in favor of the woman in the interview room. "Go ahead, Goren. If anyone can reach her, it's you."

Bobby barely acknowledged Fin's words. He paused at the interview room's door, and removed his jacket and gun. He knocked on the door; in the room the disheveled woman lifted her head and looked warily at the sound.

"I'm sorry to disturb you," Bobby said almost tenderly. The woman watched him with frightened but curious eyes.

"You're not in trouble." Bobby's voice was gentle and soothing; Alex was aware that the SVU squad room was eerily quiet.

"We're not going to send you anywhere," Bobby continued in his hypnotic voice. The fear began to leave the woman's clouded eyes.

"But I'm not being a very good host," Bobby said. "It was cold out there…Would you like some coffee? Something to eat?"

"Tea," the woman said. Alex heard Huang's slight gasp of surprise. "With lots of sugar…and…and…"

Bobby cocked his head; his eyes were full of patience and understanding.

"Do you have a cinnamon roll?" the woman asked eagerly.

Benson was already rushing to get the tea and roll when Bobby stuck his head out of the interview room to request them.

He waited patiently as the woman devoured the roll and gulped down the tea. Only after a second cup ("Please," she asked. "Could this one have more sugar?") and another roll arrived did Bobby begin his questions, and even then he allowed the woman to ramble on and off several topics. All of the detectives—even, after a few minutes, Stabler—were fascinated by the extraordinarily patient and gentle tact Bobby took with the witness.

"Wow." George Huang's soft voice was just behind Alex. "He's really good at this. I know psychiatrists with years of experience who couldn't get someone like this to open up so quickly."

"He's had a lot of experience," Fin said and shared a look with Alex.

Huang nodded. "He's mentioned his mother…but not much…"

"His mom?" For the first time in anything regarding Bobby, Stabler sounded vaguely sympathetic.

Alex felt the need to at least partially explain Bobby. "His mom is schizophrenic…She's at a facility near Carmel Ridge…He's taken care of her since he was thirteen…"

Stabler winced and looked away; Alex wasn't proud of the small sense of satisfaction that rose in her.

"It's remarkable," Munch said. "The way he treats her…"

"You mean, like a human being?" Alex said.

Munch looked at her. "Yea…yea…I guess that's what I mean…"

Bobby, his binder open on the table before him, sat next to the woman. He occasionally wrote something down as she watched. At one point she pointed at something he'd written, and Bobby quickly corrected the offending passage. At another she pointed at Bobby and waved her hands in the air; Bobby frowned. Finally, Bobby thanked her, gently touched her shoulder, and picked up his binder.

He emerged from the interview room to find an eager audience. "She saw someone," Bobby said, trying not to raise expectations. "Carrying a large bundle…Big guy…about my size…" As Bobby checked his notes, Alex saw Stabler start slightly. "She only got a glimpse of him…but she's willing to try to work with a sketch artist…" A smile crossed Bobby's face. "If we let her take a shower and give her a hot meal."

"Sounds like a fair exchange," Benson said.

Bobby nodded. "Yea…even if she can't give the artist much to work with…It's something…" He looked sadly into the interview room. "And it'll give her a little break from the street…"

Bobby worked the phone while the witness enjoyed her shower and the call went out for the sketch artist. He managed to find the woman's social worker and a change of clothes. As Bobby predicted, the sketch the woman directed the artist to produce was vague; it showed a dark haired and eyed man.

"Could be you, Goren," Munch observed.

Bobby smiled wanly. "And a million other guys," he sighed.

Bobby insisted that they wait for the woman's social worker before letting her return to her park. When she arrived, the harried young woman thanked the detectives and told them that the woman's name was Lydia Czechowski; that Mrs. Czechowski's family had been searching for her for several months with equal amounts of fear that she wouldn't or would be found; and that to say Mrs. Czechowski was a difficult client was an understatement. A worried Bobby stressed to the social worker the importance of keeping track of Mrs. Czechowski and maintaining her safety.

"Can we keep her in protective custody?" a newly cooperative Stabler asked as the social worker prepared to take Mrs. Czechowski away.

Bobby sighed. "No…unfortunately she didn't really see anything…But the killer doesn't know that…If he knows she's around…"

"You think he'll feel threatened," Huang said.

"Yes," Bobby said softly.

"Well, as long as no one knows about her," Much said. "She'll be fine."

Fin appeared; he caught the last sentences of the conversation. "Someone will probably know about her after tomorrow…I just got a call from a reporter I know…Someone…probably from the state or one of the small towns…told someone about a possible break and witness…"

A collective groan went up, and Bobby rubbed the back of his neck.

"I'll warn the Captain," Benson said.

"And I'll talk to ours," Alex said wearily. "C'mon, partner…Let's deliver the bad news…"

As they drove away from the SVU office, Bobby left a message for Mrs. Czechowski's social worker.

"You really think she might be in danger?" Alex asked.

"Yea," Bobby answered. "She's a loose end…This guy doesn't like loose ends."

"But if he doesn't know who she is." Alex deftly avoided a taxi.

"He may not…But he might…He might have been part of the crowd hanging around this morning and saw her taken in…" Bobby stared out the side window. "And he seems to have some inside information…It's frustrating…and frightening…"

Alex struggled to stifle a yawn.

"You ok, Eames?"

"Yea…just a little trouble sleeping," she admitted.

"I…I'm sorry I…I haven't been around every time you've needed me lately…"

"It's ok," Alex said firmly. "You're there when you can be…and when I really need you…" She glanced at him. "But maybe dinner tonight?"

"Ok," Bobby said. "Even if it's only delivered egg rolls."

"All right," Alex thought. "Major Goren guilt trip avoided…I should warn him…"

She took a deep breath. "Bobby…you should know…While you interviewed Mrs. Czechowski…Fin and I…were trying to defend you…"

"You mentioned my Mom…that she was schizophrenic…" Bobby's voice was flat. "It…it's ok…I think everyone knows by now…"

They reached Major Case, and Alex maneuvered the SUV into the parking garage. "You ok?"

Bobby sighed. "I don't have a lot of choice, do I? I'm sorry," he said in response to Alex's pained look. "People have been really good…but…so many people…in the past…hurt her…It's…hard."

"Well," Alex said gently. "I've never been one of those."

Bobby studied her for a moment. "No," he finally said. "You haven't…"

Their captain met them as they entered the Major Case Squad room.

"Cragen called me," Ross said as he ushered them into his office. "He told me about the leak…"

"We were coming to tell you," Alex said.

"I know…Cragen told me that as well. I guess we've been lucky so far that the press hasn't descended on this story like a pack of wolves…and we can hope for that to continue…"

"I think that's overly optimistic," Bobby said softly.

"I agree," Ross said with a bitter smile. "Cragen and I will try to deal with the press and the Brass as much as we can…"

"Bobby's worried about the witness," Alex said.

Ross looked at Bobby. "Cragen said she didn't give you much…"

"Yea." Bobby paced in front of Ross' desk. "But if this guy finds out about her…that might not matter…"

Ross quietly digested the information. "I'll let the Brass know that…and when we talk to the press we'll try to stress she didn't see anything…"

"We've tried to warn her social worker," Bobby said as he stared out the window. "But she might slip through the cracks…"

"Do what you can," Ross said. "And I'll back you up."

"Thanks, Captain," Alex said. Bobby nodded.

"And thanks for working so well with SVU," Ross said. "Cragen was grateful…and apologized that one of his detectives was giving you a rough time…"

"Most of them," Alex said diplomatically. "Are great."

"It's a tough case," Bobby said. "There's pressure on everyone."

"Bobby is being charitable…at least as far as Elliott Stabler is concerned." Alex was ill inclined to give Stabler a break.

A smile tugged at Ross' mouth. "Well, I'm sure Stabler will regret it if he keeps crossing you, Eames." He sat at his desk. "I appreciate your work…thank you."

Bobby shrugged off Ross' comments, but Alex caught the gratitude in his eyes. The spent the rest of the day following leads on the latest victim. Alex confessed to Bobby that she was grateful Benson and Stabler had the task of informing the victim's partner and family; Bobby, his dark eyes full of sympathy, nodded. Bobby occasionally called Fin and Munch as the three detectives sorted and cross referenced the records of failed candidates for the NYPD and other law enforcement agencies in the area against those of individuals with a history of violence against women. Both lists were appallingly long, and Bobby knew he was in for a long night. A call from his acquaintance who was a reporter for the LEDGER briefly broke up the painstaking work. Bobby managed to convince him that the supposed break in the case wasn't a break and that the supposed witness hadn't witnessed much of anything. Bobby directed the reporter to Ross, warned his captain about the reporter (who called Ross just as Bobby departed the captain's office), and tried not to worry about Mrs. Czechowski.

The lines on his computer screen were beginning to melt together in front of his weary eyes when Alex's voice broke in on his thoughts.

"Hey," she said. "I need those egg rolls."

Bobby looked up from the screen to the windows; the darkening winter sky loomed through the glass.

"Yea," he said wearily. "I could use a break."

She reached for one of the menus on her desk. "According to the schedule," Alex asked cautiously. "How long until the next one?"

Bobby rubbed his eyes. "A week…maybe more…but…he probably gets the victims…keeps them…and then kills them…"

Alex looked at him with pain filled eyes. "So…he's…he's probably looking for…or…or already has…"

"Another victim," Bobby said grimly.

End Chapter Four


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks, as always, for the reviews. And my apologies for Stabler fans out there. He was a convenient antagonist for Bobby in this story, but I do ask that you be patient and see how the story evolves.

Disclaimer: Standard

Chapter Five

He won his battle for control as he walked down the long, grey corridor, out the door into the grey light, opened the car door and sat on the grey, fake leather seats, and drove down the long, grey drive. He continued to win the battle as he pulled out on the road leading into the small town and then on to the highway. But as he drove south he began to lose the battle, and roughly an hour into the drive he gave up. He turned the car into a rest area and pounded the steering wheel.

"Why! Why! Why!" he screamed. "Why does it have to be this way? Why can't she see? I'm trying to help her…I've always tried to help her. Why does it have to be me? I lost my childhood…I gave up a chance at a family…Why…why…why can't I help her…Why…"

The rage flooded away, replaced by despair. He stopped pounding the wheel and gripped it tightly as he fought against the sobs rising in his chest. "No…no…" he murmured, but this battle was as hopeless as his first. The sobs overwhelmed him, and he slumped in the car seat.

A bright, stunning light woke him. Bobby bolted up and blinked at the light. As his eyes adjusted, he saw a state trooper standing beside the driver's door. Bobby rolled down the window.

"Ok in there?" the trooper asked. His voice was friendly and concerned, but Bobby sensed the tension behind the words.

"Well, of course," Bobby thought. "There's a killer on this road…"

He swallowed. "Uh, yea…I was driving…got tired and thought I should pull over…"

The trooper nodded. "Could I just see your license, please?"

"Sure." Bobby pulled out his wallet and handed his license to the trooper, who studied it carefully.

"New York City…You're a little away from home…"

"I…I was visiting my mother…She's a patient at the…the psychiatric hospital in Carmel Ridge."

The trooper looked at him with pity, and Bobby felt the usual combination of anger and shame.

"Ok now?" the trooper asked as he handed the license back to Bobby.

"Yea," Bobby said as he placed the license in his wallet. "Just needed a little nap."

"Ok," the trooper said quietly. "Just be careful…stop at a hotel if you need to."

Bobby nodded. "Thank you…I will…"

He pulled out and knew that the trooper watched him. "He's probably writing down my license plate number right now," Bobby thought.

The ring of his cell phone broke into his dark thoughts. "Oh, God," he thought. "Please…not another…"

"Bobby…I'm sorry…if you're with your mother…" It was Alex, shaky and apologetic.

"Al…Eames…It's all right…I…I've left…what's wrong?"

"I…I…It's so stupid…I had a bad dream…" She was embarrassed and frightened.

"I'll be there…in about a half an hour." A wave of guilt swept over Bobby as he realized he welcomed the chance to devote his attention to Alex.

"Bobby…you don't have to…just hearing your voice…It's already made things better…" Her voice was less shaky.

"It's ok…really…It's on the way…and…" His voice was now the shaky one. "I'd like to see you."

"All right," Alex said. "I'll put the hot chocolate on."

With Alex as his goal, Bobby drove with renewed energy. The memory of his mother's rants and accusations faded with the miles on the highway.

When he reached Alex's home, he was relieved to see only a few lights in her windows. When he knocked on her door, she unbolted only one lock. When she opened the door, Alex looked pale and shivered, but her eyes were clear and calm.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," he said.

"There's the hot chocolate…and I can get you some food…"

"I…I'm not hungry," Bobby said softly. "The chocolate will be great…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "It…it was a rough afternoon."

Her eyes were filled with…"No," Bobby thought. "Not pity…not from Alex…not her." He studied her. "Compassion," he thought. "It's compassion…"

He took the cup of the hot, rich liquid from Alex. Their hands met, and they briefly reveled in the shared warmth. When Alex finally released the cup to Bobby's care, their cheeks were slightly red.

"I…I…" He swallowed.

"It's ok…This seems to be one of those nights when we need each other." Alex's voice was calm and betrayed none of her fears.

Bobby sipped the chocolate. "Yea," he finally admitted.

"It's not just…just what happened to me," Alex said. She sat on her couch with her feet curled beneath her, a position that always caused Bobby to think of an elegant cat. "It's this case too…The thought that…that some poor woman…is out there…" She stared into her cup.

"I know," Bobby said softly. "But I think…the failed cop idea…may pan out…It's just a matter of slogging through all of the potential suspects…Huang and I are also pretty sure this guy must have gone through some pretty horrible abuse as a kid…almost certainly at the hands of his mother or some other female authority figure…If we can just find someone who fits all of that…"

"And frequents Route 15," Alex added.

"Yea," Bobby said. Alex watched as he disappeared into his thoughts.

"Hey," she said. "Earth to Bobby…What's going on?"

"Just…just a thought…" He shook his head. "Sorry…It's bad enough I can't shut my brain off…Now you can't…"

Alex touched his shoulder. "Don't," she warned him. "Don't blame yourself…You're here…You're helping me…"

"I think," he said. "We're helping each other."

There was no question about where Bobby would sleep that night. He and Alex slipped beneath the covers of her large bed—Bobby occasionally commented that her bed was bigger than his; "Lucky for you," she snorted—and held each other.

"Ross would have a fit about this," Alex murmured.

Bobby chuckled. "Stabler would be furious…"

Alex giggled.

"What?" Bobby asked.

"Stabler," she answered. "He's the least stable detective on this case…"

Bobby smiled. "Oh, I think he has a way to go to catch me…"

"Bobby," Alex warned; she hated it when he joined the chorus of his critics. "You're not unstable…"

"Ok…eccentric then."

Alex considered this. "All right," she said. "Eccentric…sounds nice and not threatening…suggests you're rich…"

"Much better than weird," Bobby said. He rubbed comforting circles on Alex's back.

The slept well, if not long, and drove together into the city, Bobby happily turning over the wheel of his car to Alex. They'd arrived at work together so often for so long that it was no longer an item of interest to the rest of the squad. Ross had noticed it and questioned it.

"Habit," Alex responded simply. "His place is on my way…and we get to pick each other's brains…"

That was before the "thing"; before Bobby's near fatal confrontation; and his mother's illness. After those events, Ross appeared ill inclined to question anything that helped his best two detectives.

They were scarcely in the office when Bobby received a call. "Goren," he answered and looked across their desks at Alex. "Stabler…what…a break in the case? That's great…" Alex saw the tension slip from Bobby's body. "Can you…ok…sure…we'll be right over…"

"What is it?" Alex asked as he hung up.

"We need to get over to SVU," Bobby said. "Stabler thinks he's found something…said he needs to talk with us…"

"God…I hope it's something," Alex said.

As they drove to SVU, Alex and Bobby tried to restrain their speculations and hopes. The case had been horribly free of any breaks, and neither wanted to jinx the possibility that the situation had changed. Olivia Benson guided them to an interview room.

"I don't know what Elliott's got," she said. "He's being very mysterious about it."

"If he's got something that helps," Bobby said. "He can act any way he wants."

George Huang joined them. "What's this about? I got a message from Elliott saying he had information that might blow the case open."

"That's all we got, too," Benson said.

Stabler walked into the room. His jacket was off; his sleeves rolled up; his tie loose. He carried a very thick, slightly yellowed folder. He looked at Bobby in a way that sent all of Alex's protective feelings about her partner into full alert.

"Thanks for coming so quickly," Stabler said. Alex recognized the tone of his voice. It was the same tone she and Bobby and every detective used when they were trying to gain a suspect's trust. Stabler wasn't in Bobby's league when it came to employing that voice—few were—but he was very good. "Anyone need any coffee?" Stabler asked.

"Eames and I are already drowning in it," Bobby replied genially, but Alex knew Stabler's tone hadn't escaped her partner.

Benson leaned against the end of the table. "And you know I try to avoid the stuff around here, Elliott."

Huang smiled. "And for good reason."

"Ok," Stabler said, and sat at the long table. Bobby took a seat next to Alex, while Huang sat across from her. Stabler sat at one end of the table, separated from Alex by an empty chair. Benson eyed her partner warily from her perch.

"I want to be sure, " Stabler said calmly and clearly. He looked at Huang and then Bobby. "That I understand what we know about this guy…"

Stabler's hand covered the front of the file. Alex saw that Huang and Bobby's curiosity about that file was equal to or greater than her own.

"The only physical description we have is that he's big…probably white or Hispanic…certainly dark…"

"And," Bobby interrupted gently. "As much as I like Mrs. Czechowski, her identification wasn't definite…and we don't know if she saw the guy…"

Stabler nodded. "According to the profile Goren and Huang have put together, our suspect may be involved with law enforcement…maybe a failed cop…maybe even a cop…He's experienced a crisis recently…maybe several…recently…These are probably related to a woman…or women in his life…The victims resemble them…He was probably abused by his mother or another female authority figure…"

"That's about it," Huang said. "A lot of this is pretty basic, Elliott…"

"And profiling is an art…not a science," Bobby said wryly.

"Goren has also mentioned that it seems like the killer knows a lot about our investigation." Stabler's tone took on an edge.

Alex felt Bobby stiffen next to her.

"So, I've been thinking that this killer is close to us…very close perhaps…" Stabler's voice was colder.

Alex felt a bubble of rage form in her stomach.

"Get to the point, Stabler," Bobby said in a low, even voice. Alex struggled not to shiver as she recognized that voice. It was nearly always followed by an explosion.

"Dark…big…a cop…a very bright cop…frustrated by changes at work…A mother—a dark eyed and haired petite woman who was a librarian—who is ill…His partner recently attacked…" Alex jerked involuntarily; Bobby was eerily still.

Stabler continued. "A cop who was recently at the wrong end of a gun…"

"You've made your point," Huang said angrily.

"And this…" Stabler grabbed the file and smacked it on the table in front of Bobby. "From Child Protective Services…"

Alex stared at the fading letters on the file; they read "Robert O. Goren."

End Chapter Five


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

"You bastard!"

Alex leaped from her seat and sprang towards Stabler. In spite of the chair in her way, she would have slammed into him if Bobby hadn't grabbed her arms. He pulled her back as gently as he could. Stabler, stunned by the source but not by the attack, recoiled.

"Elliott." Benson's voice dripped with anger. "How did you get this? These files are supposed to be…" She stared at her partner. "You used my name…my friend at CPS…"

"We're looking for a killer," Stabler said coldly. His partner's reaction surprised him, but he continued relentlessly. "And what's in that file…" He glared at Bobby, who struggled with Alex and his emotions. "Your mommy hurt you a lot, Goren? That file has a lot of hospital stays…and a lot of injuries…you told them you fell off your bike…you tripped…Were you that awkward as a kid?"

Alex struggled to wrench away from Bobby.

"Leave him alone, Elliott," Huang warned.

Stabler shot up from his chair. "What is this?" he shouted. "He fits the profile…He drives the roads every day…His mother looks like the victims…And everyone knows he's…he's…"

"Nut case…psycho…one step away from being a perp…" Bobby's voice was calm, sad, lost. "I've heard them all, Stabler." He released Alex and stood. Stabler braced for an attack, but Bobby walked to a corner of the room. He stood facing the wall and frantically rubbed the back of his neck. After a few seconds, he took a deep breath and turned to face the room.

"He's right," Bobby said in a horribly flat, weary voice. "I fit the profile…and what little physical description we may have…But you haven't looked deeply enough into that file, Stabler…My mother…" Bobby's voice caught in his throat, and Alex inwardly raged against Stabler. "My mother thought demons were after her and often confused and frightened me…but…" Bobby swallowed and his body shook with his effort to maintain control. "She was brave…she was always brave…and she never hurt me physically…If you'd really studied that file, you'd know a lot of people accused her of things she didn't do…and would never do…and a lot of people hurt her…The person who hurt me was my father…my mom tried to protect me…and he'd…he'd hurt her…" Bobby looked at Stabler, who couldn't meet the taller man's eyes. "You…the profile fits…but my mom…I don't hate her…I hate things she's done…but I love her…and I did not kill these women…"

Stabler winced at Bobby's words, but he pressed on. "You know the area…a state cop found you parked at the side of the road just last night…and no one knows were you go away from the job…you have the knowledge and the opportunity…"

A thousand thoughts flashed through Alex's mind—Bobby's name and reputation dragged through an investigation; the real killer free and torturing more women; the destruction of her own career and reputation.

"I know where he goes at night," she said defiantly.

"Al…Eames…no…" Terror in his eyes, Bobby spun to face her.

Alex now filled the room. Her eyes blazed. "A lot of those nights…since I was attacked…He's been with me…"

"No," Bobby whispered, and he slumped into a chair.

"I know what you're thinking, Stabler," Alex said. "But we're not having sex…It's simple enough…After everything…I…We…needed someone…and the only person who seemed to be able to help me was Bobby…and I…" She glanced at Bobby. "Seemed to be the only person who could help him."

"Eames…your career…your reputation," Bobby murmured. He looked at her in wonder and tried to comprehend why she was willing to throw everything in her life away for him.

"If it's them against Stabler's half-assed idea, I'll give 'em up," Alex declared. "And you don't seem too concerned about your career and reputation." She glared at Stabler. "There's no way he's had the time to torture and kill these woman…even if he were capable of it…which he isn't…"

Stabler sat heavily in a chair.

"I'd have thought," Alex said. "You'd understand something about partners…"

"He did…once," Benson said softly. "But lately…"

"Elliott," George Huang said. "If you'd given Goren half a chance and listened to and watched him at all, you'd know he's incapable of these crimes…"

Stabler was shaking; for several moments he struggled to regain control. "To say I'm sorry won't cut it, will it?" he finally said.

Bobby spoke before Alex could. "No…but it's a start."

Alex pressed. "You could forget what I told you about Bobby and me."

"I don't recall Alex telling us much of anything, do you, Elliott?" Benson's tone suggested an ultimatum of some sort lay behind her words.

"No," Stabler said. "Nothing except a case of two partners helping each other through a bad time." He looked at Benson. "And I do understand something about partners, Olivia."

All four detectives breathed in relief.

"Uh, guys? I'm here…remember?" Huang's bemused voice broke the silence.

The detectives turned to the psychiatrist with a mixture of fear and embarrassment.

"Eames," Bobby said quickly. "Did nothing wrong…she…she…"

"Bobby," Alex said. "If we did anything wrong, we both did it…"

"I'm not sure," Huang said. "If I can agree that this is just a case of two professional partners helping each other through a bad time…"

The detectives began making sounds of protest.

Huang raised his hands. "But, I can see this as a case of two friends getting each other through a very difficult time…"

Bobby and Alex didn't try to hide their relief.

"Besides," Huang continued. "I've watched you both…It's a great partnership…and I'm not going to be responsible for tearing it apart.

"Thank you." Bobby's voice was so low that Alex thought she might have imagined his response.

Stabler held his head in his hands. "I'm sorry," he said. "I…It was a terrible thing…I was so wrong…"

"Yea…you were and it was," Alex said angrily.

Bobby touched her arm as a warning. "Like I said…I fit the profile…"

Stabler shook his head. "And you didn't in a lot of ways…I want this guy too much…I let my prejudices blind me…I didn't check the evidence…do basic things." He stood. "I am sorry, Goren…"

Bobby shook Stabler's offered hand. "I think…the person you owe an apology to is your partner." He tilted his head towards Benson. "And…well, there's a lot of stuff that we wouldn't want to leave this room."

"As far as I'm concerned," Stabler said. "None of us have been in here this morning."

"I'm not sure we can ignore what happened in here," Bobby said. "But we can keep it in here."

"Deal," Stabler said.

They started to leave the room. Alex felt as if she'd survived some terrible, strange storm and now emerged to deal with the damage. Bobby stood at the end of the room, staring at the treacherous file. He looked remarkably well for a man who'd just had his insides ripped out and displayed to the world.

Stabler reached for the file. "Don't worry, Goren…I'll make sure this gets back…Say the word and I'll make it disappear."

"Even if the file disappears," Bobby said. "It won't make the things in it disappear…" He stood silent, lost in his thoughts.

"Bobby?" Alex stepped next to him.

Bobby's fingers played with a corner of the file. "Stabler's right about something," he said slowly. "We're not looking for me…but we're looking for a man like me."

END Chapter Six


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Alex watched as Bobby spoke intently with Fin and Munch; her partner was convinced that a new way of looking for suspects would help the investigation. As she waited for Bobby, Benson approached her.

"Elliott feels terrible," she began.

"He should," Alex said. "I'm sorry, Olivia…but he just ripped out Bobby's heart and stomped on it…I know everyone thinks he's this big, tough guy who's just a brain…but he was hurt terribly as a kid…I've known him for six years, and he's just started telling me something about it…This case has been hard enough on him without Stabler…"

"Elliott…I don't think he thought about being cruel." Benson frowned. "I don't think he thought at all…He saw Bobby as a perp…And he doesn't have any sympathy for perps…Sometimes I don't think he sees them as human…"

Alex's anger, at least towards Benson, eased slightly. "Well, he was cruel…crueler than he knew…He might as well have stabbed Bobby in the gut…"

"Yea," Benson said. "I saw that…I'm not excusing him…but he's had a rough time lately…"

"Yea…well so have Bobby and me," Alex said. "And he hasn't been attacking people…"

Bobby, his face grim, walked up to the two women. "We're going to sort through the names again…Fin and Munch will work here, and Alex and I can go back to Major Case…" He rubbed the back of his neck.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked.

"Mrs. Czechowski…Fin heard from her social worker…she's lost track of her…"

Alex and Benson shared a quick, concerned look.

"She's probably ok," Benson said, but Alex and Bobby sensed she didn't believe her own words. "We'll let the uniforms know to keep an eye out for her…"

Bobby shook his head. "I…I wish I…" He paused. "Where's Stabler?"

"I'm not sure," Benson replied. "I thought he might be the last person you'd want to talk to right now."

"I understand why he did it," Bobby said.

"That's good of you, Bobby," Alex snorted. "I'm not sure he should even continue to be part of this investigation."

"You ok, Goren," Benson asked gently.

"A…a little bruised…Nothing I can't handle," Bobby answered. "Eames and I need to get back to Major Case…Tell Stabler…no bad feelings, ok?"

Benson nodded. "I'll tell him…I gotta say, Goren…I don't think I want to let him off that easy…"

"I have a feeling," Bobby said as he collected his binder and coat. "That you won't."

"You are letting Stabler off too easy…What he did…" Alex said as they drove back to Major Case.

"Please…I…I really don't want to talk about it." Bobby's voice was low and flat.

Alex glanced at him; pain radiated from him.

"Hey," she said tenderly. "I'm here…you're not alone…"

Several blocks passed before he spoke. "I'm sorry…It's just…It's too raw right now…please…"

"Ok," Alex said.

They continued in silence for the few remaining blocks to Major Case. As they left the car, Alex touched Bobby's sleeve. "At least," she said cautiously. "You didn't tell me to back off."

He turned to her, his dark eyes full of gratitude. "I'll never tell you to back off again," he said softly. "Besides," he offered her a quick smile. "You never do."

"Damn straight," Alex said.

The day passed with no further word of Mrs. Czechowski, but also with some actual progress in the case. All of the detectives, including Stabler, employed Bobby's suggestions in narrowing the list of suspects. Shortly after a hurried lunch at their desks, Bobby and Alex received an email from Fin with an edited list of potential suspects. Bobby's eyes narrowed as he read one of the names.

"Claret…my mom briefly had a roommate by that name," he said.

Alex looked up from her computer screen.

"She…most schizophrenics aren't violent," Bobby said, thinking out loud. "But she…she was…she had to be moved…Her family…" He twirled his pen. "They were in law enforcement…the state or local level…and I think they had some money…" He made a note and sent an email back to Fin.

It was nearly five when Ross emerged from his office. "Aren't you," he said to Alex. "Supposed to be gone…"

"That's right." Bobby roused from his study of his computer screen. "It's your brother's birthday…"

"I can miss it," Alex said.

"Eames," Bobby said.

"Go, Eames," Ross said before Alex could object. "You need the break…the lists will be here tomorrow…Unless…" He smiled. "This is one of those family things you don't want to go to…"

"And I'll let her family know if she says that," Bobby said.

"I like my family just fine," Alex smiled. "And particularly this brother…" She looked at Bobby. "You're sure…"

"Yea," Bobby said. "I need to get out of here too."

"Yes, you do," Ross said. "You can't do the work if you're exhausted. Both of you…out of here."

They walked together to their cars.

"You will call me if you need me," Alex said.

Bobby nodded.

"Promise?" She sensed he was going to have a difficult night.

He raised his right hand in the Boy Scout salute. "Promise."

She smiled at him. "I'd feel a lot better if I didn't know that you were never a Boy Scout."

As he'd done every time that he'd walked Alex to the parking garage since the attack, Bobby waited until she was safely driving away in her car before he slipped behind his own wheel. He sighed and called his mother's doctors before he started the engine; he was relieved to learn his mother was having one of her good days.

It was a beautiful evening, cold and clear, with the trees casting deep blue shadows on the snow. He reached Carmel Ridge a few minutes before eight. The nurses warned him that his mother had become very agitated in the two hours since he'd left the city. She cried out the moment he stepped in her room. The doctors and nurses were trying to kill her; the food was poisoned. Where was his brother? Why wasn't Bobby at the hospital earlier? Didn't he care for her? Of course he didn't. He'd run away before, just like his father. He was keeping Frank away from her; he was responsible for her pain.

"Mom…please," Bobby said over and over. "No one's trying to hurt you…I'm trying to help you."

Nothing calmed her; no promise or plea could ease her agitation. Finally, she seized the water pitcher on the table by her bed and flung it at Bobby. He stood by her bed, a bruise forming above his right eye and icy water dripping down his face and neck. He felt tiny, sharp, rivers of cold run down his back and chest.

"We have to sedate her," one of the doctors said. "You should probably leave…There's nothing you can do…and your presence may be adding to her state…"

Bobby stumbled to his car, the cold wind sending slivers of cold on his damp skin. As he drove away from the hospital, dark thoughts swirled through his brain.

"Maybe…maybe we shouldn't treat the lymphoma aggressively…half the time before she got the cancer, she told me she wanted to die…that she didn't want to live…I've given half my life to her…What more can I do? I've lost girlfriends…friends…because of her…She's made me afraid…I can't trust…If she were dead…Stabler's right…Why…How…I could be…"

"No!" he screamed and swerved the car. It rumbled ominously on the shoulder for several yards before Bobby corrected his steering. His heart pounding, his breathing ragged, he eased the car off the road. He sat for several minutes, his head resting on the steering wheel, his body shaking. He lifted his head and stared at the road.

"It's not her fault…She didn't…doesn't…want this illness…Your father made you as much as she did…She protected you as much as she could…And your life is your own…You pushed…push people away…"

His cell phone broke into his thoughts. Bobby didn't recognize the number.

"Goren…please…don't hang up…" Elliot Stabler pleaded.

Fear gripped Bobby. "Stabler…is there another…"

"There may be," Stabler answered grimly. "There's a missing person report…Angela Corelli…"

Bobby's blood froze. "She fits the pattern?"

"Yea…high school librarian…Thirty one…small, dark…her husband reported her missing a little over a day ago…But there's some good news…"

"God, I need it," Bobby said.

"That name you flagged…Gregory Claret…Fin found him on list of guys who flunked out of the Academy…Munch found that he'd been picked up on a couple of harassment charges…but his family apparently made those go away…and he works…"

"Let me guess," Bobby said. "Law enforcement?"

"Yea…He's a clerk of some sort with the State Police…I think his family pulled some strings for him to get there…" Bobby heard Stabler shuffle papers. "He's in a position to know a lot about our investigation…"

"Where does he live?" Bobby asked trying to contain his excitement.

"A couple of places," Stabler answered. "Like you told Fin…his family is wealthy…There's an apartment in the city…A place about halfway between the city and Carmel Ridge called Claremont…Fin and Munch are checking the apartment…Benson and Eames are talking with Angela Corelli's family…and I'm driving to Claremont…"

"I…I know the place…at least where it is…I can meet you there…I'm about a half hour from there…" Bobby hesitated. "I…I was visiting my Mom…"

"I…Eames didn't want us to call you," Stabler said tentatively. "She said you had to…we guessed…Goren, if you're tired…or…"

"I'm ok," Bobby said quickly. "And, unless someone is coming from the state, you'll need the backup…Claremont doesn't have a police department beyond a town constable…"

"Ok," Stabler said. "The state is going to send a unit as soon as they can…but they're dealing with a bad accident near Route 15's intersection with the interstate…"

Bobby gave Stabler directions to Claremont. "Watch out," he said. "It's easy to miss."

Large, soft snowflakes started to float from the sky as Bobby arrived at the small square of a gas station, pizza joint, convenience store, and farm co-op that made up Claremont. He grabbed a cup of bitter and strong coffee from the store and returned to his car to wait for Stabler.

"I wish it was Alex that was coming," Bobby thought. "No…No I don't…if we run into this guy…I hope Mrs. Czechowski is just not at her usual haunts…I hope…" He rubbed his eyes. "You'd think I'd learned enough not to hope…"

A car pulling up behind him flooded Bobby's car with lights. He turned and saw Stabler at its wheel. Both men stepped out of the cars and walked towards each other.

"You found it ok? You need any coffee?" Bobby asked.

"Yea…and I've got some…but thanks." Stabler was grateful that Bobby spoke first. "I've got directions and a map to the Claret place…" He studied Bobby. "That ok?" He gestured at the bruise over Bobby's eye.

Bobby blinked for a moment. "Yea…just…it's nothing…"

There was no debate about which car to take or who would drive. Bobby quietly followed Stabler to his car. He folded into the passenger side and fiddled with the seat.

"Sorry," Stabler said. "One of my kids usually rides there."

Bobby heard the strain in Stabler's voice. "He wants his partner on this…just like me," he thought.

"Nice ride," Stabler said admiringly as they passed by Bobby's car.

"Thanks," Bobby answered. "Courtesy of a friend of mine…He owns a body shop and does a lot of work on older cars…I help him out sometimes…"

"Car junkie?" Stabler asked.

"Nah…I just do what my friend Lewis tells me to do…" Bobby took a drink of coffee and made a face. "I hope you have better stuff than me, Stabler."

"Not much," Stabler said. "Although it's better than the sludge at SVU."

"Even the Major Case coffee is better than that," Bobby said. He studied the map for a moment.

"That's a first," Stabler said.

Bobby looked up.

"We managed to say five civil sentences to each other."

Bobby smiled. "Yea…yea…we did. Too bad Benson and Eames aren't around to see it."

Stabler gripped the steering wheel tightly. "I am…sorry…"

"It's ok…really," Bobby said quickly. "I…I know you're sorry…It's ok…I'd like…to leave it behind…Please…" He changed the subject. "What have you heard from the state?"

Stabler shook his head. "The state has a unit coming…The sheriff's department is in the middle of some training exercise and can't afford to send a deputy…and I never did track down that constable you mentioned…"

"Well, the truth is we don't have any thing that connects this guy to the killings…only the profile, really, and we both know…"

"Yea," Stabler said, his eyes concentrating on the road.

"Hey," Bobby said. "Look out…it's the next right turn…"

The road scarcely met the definition of a road; it was more of a glorified dirt path. The snow and wind increased in speed and strength. Bobby and Stabler strained to see in front of them. When they reached their destination, both detectives didn't see the large house as much as they sensed its presence. A light shone from the lowest windows.

"Looks like someone's home," Stabler said. "The basement…"

The drive to the house made them wish for the road. Halfway to the house, Stabler stopped the car. "I'm afraid to go any farther…the drive's so bad…I should've brought an SUV…"

"Well," Bobby said. "You didn't know you'd be wandering in the wilderness…Look!"

The light snapped off; the house was dark.

"Someone is in there," Stabler said.

"And probably knows we're here," Bobby said. "How long for that state unit?"

Stabler was already on his cell phone. As he spoke with his contact, Bobby checked his gun and phone. His heart sped up; he fought against breathing faster.

"The state unit is on its way…but it's slowed by the weather," Stabler said.

Bobby stared at the traitorous sky. "If we wait…"

"He could be torturing a woman right now," Stabler said.

Even before Stabler spoke, Bobby opened his door. The two detectives didn't speak as they left the car and trudged up the drive. It was bitterly cold, and the two men huddled in their coats; Bobby wished he'd worn his heavy overcoat instead of his leather jacket. It was so dark that both men switched on their flashlights, giving up some element of surprise. They finally reached the solid front door, but Bobby stopped Stabler before he could knock.

"This door doesn't appear to have been used in a long time," Bobby said, examining the door in the flashlight's beam. "See…"

Stabler nodded. "I guess we use the back door…"

They moved as quickly and quietly as they could, but the snowstorm and their unfamiliarity with the area confounded them. They slipped and stumbled to the rear of the house.

"At this rate," Stabler gasped. "The state police will be here by the time we get in…" He reached to knock on the door. "Ready?"

Bobby nodded. One hand rested on his gun as Stabler banged on the door.

"Police!" Stabler yelled. "NYPD! Open up!"

The door creaked open; Bobby and Stabler shared an uneasy look. Stabler cautiously pushed the door open; the combined beams of their flashlights revealed a small entry room. One side of the room led to another, larger room; the other side was an open door with a steps leading down beyond it. Stabler turned toward the larger room; Bobby to the steps. Bobby thought he heard a faint click and swung his light in the direction of the sound. A slender, reddish line of wire trembled in the beam.

"Bomb!" Bobby screamed. "Stabler…Get out!"

He slammed against Stabler, sending the other man flying out into the fiercely blowing snow. A terrible roar and flash filled Bobby's head, followed by horrible pain. He fell into unknowing darkness.

End Chapter Seven


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

He felt nothing, not even pain, at first. He was wrapped in the soft folds of unconsciousness, scarcely aware of his own body. He was on his back, staring at the sky. Snow-blessedly cool and surprisingly soft—fell in a white stream from the black sky. "I was in a house," he thought. "I shouldn't be able to see the sky…"

And then the pain struck. It was everywhere; every cell in his body flared with it. Bobby thought that it was impossible for a body to feel so much heat and cold at the same time. He desperately tried not to move; even breathing was agony. Through the fog of pain, Bobby thought he heard someone shouting. He blinked and struggled to take a deep breath. His body shook with the effort, but he managed one breath, then another, and another until he was breathing with some regular rhythm.

"Goren! C'mon…answer me! Are you down there? Please…please answer me…" Stabler's desperate words finally formed in Bobby's mind.

Bobby struggled to speak, but only a faint gasp came out of his mouth. He swallowed, steeled himself against the pain, and forced out the name. "Stabler."

Stabler's pale, anxious, and bloodied face appeared over the remains of the stairway; his flashlight blinded Bobby for a second. Bobby realized that the bomb had destroyed the back door and the stairs to the basement. "I'm on the basement floor," he thought. "It threw me down here…Why am I still alive?"

"Goren…thank God…Stay still…I've called for a bus and backup," Stabler called to him. "I'll try to find a way to get to you…"

Bobby ignored Stabler's instructions and fought to sit up. The pain was still intense, but his body seemed to be accepting it. His right side appeared to have taken the brunt of the blast. His right leg and arm were cut and bleeding, and it was impossible to move either without pain. The right side of his chest hurt with every breath, and Bobby suspected his ribs were at least badly bruised if not broken. He felt warm blood running down the side of his face. "Well," he thought grimly. "At least no one will notice that little bruise Mom gave me now."

He moved cautiously to survey his surroundings. Directly in front of him was the wreckage of the staircase. He groped with his relatively unscathed left hand through the debris around him. To his surprise, he found his flashlight, and, to his shock, he found that it still worked. "That," Bobby thought. "Makes even less sense than my surviving…"

He swung the flashlight's beam around the basement. The bomb fortunately was a small one, with its damage confined to an area near the back door and stairs. Bobby thought he heard a muffled whimper and pointed the light in what he thought was the direction of the sound's source. In the far corner of the basement was a low table with something on it. For one, horrible moment Bobby remembered the small torture chamber where Jo Gage imprisoned Alex. He shivered and blinked and tried to drive the memory away. He heard the strange cry again.

"Is…is anyone there?" Bobby gasped.

A muffled, strangled cry was the response. Bobby found a long piece of wood and used it and the basement wall to help him get to his feet. Pain swept through his body, and it took him three tries to get to his feet. He leaned heavily on the stick and struggled to take a step. The pain again attacked him, and Bobby nearly fainted.

"Get back down, you idiot," he thought. "It's nothing…what do you think you're doing…" He heard the muffled cry again. "It's someone…someone who needs help…"

He lurched toward the sound. It was slow work, because of his pain and wounds and the debris flung across the floor. Gasping, Bobby swept the flashlight's beam across the table. What the light revealed froze and sickened him. The naked body of woman was bound to the table. A blindfold covered her eyes, and a gag muffled her pitiful cries. Slashes and bruises covered her body, and she shivered and struggled weakly against the ropes that confined her.

"Thank God," Bobby whispered. "She's alive."

He staggered forward, hope negating his pain. He reached the table and leaned heavily on it. There was a small stool next to the table; Bobby tried not to think about what the man who sat on it had done. He sat heavily on the stool, caught his breath, and tried to ignore his body's pain.

"It's…it's ok," he said. "I'm a policeman…I'm not going to hurt you…I'm going to help you…"

His words terrorized the woman. She shook violently and whimpered as he removed the blindfold. Her dark eyes were full of pain and fear as he took away the gag.

"Please," she pleaded in a terribly weak voice. "Please don't hurt me any more…I'll do anything you want…Just…please don't hurt me…"

Bobby struggled out of his leather jacket and, as gently as he could, draped it over her.

"I…I'm not him…I'm not going to hurt you." He fought to make his voice as calm and gentle as possible. "I…I'm going to cut you free…"

He found his pocket knife and opened it. The woman cried out again and pulled desperately at the ropes.

"I'm sorry," Bobby said. "I don't mean to scare you." It hurt to speak, but his words seemed to comfort her. "I know the knife frightens you…but I have to cut the ropes…"

Wincing, he reached to saw through the ropes that cut into her wrists. She stared at him in terror, but the fear slowly left her eyes as she realized he was trying to help her.

"He…he told me…He was going to help me…" she whispered. "But he…he hurt me…"

"Are you…Angela Corelli?" Bobby asked as the knife finally sliced through the rope.

"Yes," she said. She cried in pain as she slowly lowered her arms.

"Here," Bobby said gently. "Let's get this jacket around you…see if we can get you warmer…" He tenderly tucked the jacket around her.

Angela looked at him. "You're…you're not him…you're really not him…"

Bobby moved slowly to cut the ropes that held her feet.

"He hurt me…he hurt me so much," she said numbly.

"I know," Bobby said softly and sadly. "He's not going to hurt you any more…"

"Goren!" Stabler's frantic voice seemed to come from behind the basement wall. "Where are you? Can you hear me?"

Angela cowered. "He's back…he's…"

"No…No…he isn't." Bobby's hand hovered over her. "It's another detective…a good guy…His name is Elliott Stabler…" Bobby's voice calmed her. "My name is Bobby Goren…We're going to help you…"

"Goren!" Stabler's voice was closer and more agitated.

"Stabler," Bobby answered as loudly as he could. "I found her…Angela Corelli…she's alive…"

"Thank God," Stabler said in relief. "I've found the door to the basement…but it's locked…I may have to shoot it…"

"Ok," Bobby said. He leaned on the table and looked at Angela. "There's going to be some very loud noise…don't worry…"

A shot and the brutal sound of a bullet striking metal followed Bobby's words. A door at the far end of the basement swung open.

"It's all right now," Bobby thought. "Stabler will help her." He slumped to the cold concrete floor.

The beam of Stabler's flashlight swept across the room, coming to rest on a small figure huddled on a table. On the floor leaning against the table was Bobby. He raised a blood streaked face to Stabler.

"Help her," he gasped in a weak voice.

Stabler quickly crossed to the table. The figure on it looked at him with wide, frightened eyes.

"Stabler…Angela Corelli," Bobby said weakly. "Angela Corelli…Elliott Stabler."

The gentle care in Bobby's voice struck Stabler, and he noted how the sound of Bobby's voice calmed the battered woman.

"Hi," Stabler said softly. "Ok if I call you Angela?"

She clung tightly to Bobby's jacket. "Y…yes," she whispered.

Stabler studied her briefly; Angela was terribly cold and terrified, but didn't appear to be in immediate danger. He turned to examine Bobby. There was blood—a lot of it—on his face and head. He was very pale—almost as white as the snow—and Stabler didn't like the sound of his breathing. Bobby was also shivering—probably from the cold and the pain—and Stabler thought that Bobby was in worse shape than Angela.

"Help's on the way," Stabler said. He placed a hand on Bobby's shoulder. "Can you walk?"

A cough wracked Bobby's body before he could answer.

"Ok," Stabler said. "That was a stupid question…Listen…" He looked from Angela to Bobby. "I think I can find some blankets and water upstairs…I'll be back in a couple of minutes…" He paused, and slipped out of his heavy wool coat. He gently draped it over Bobby. "That'll help a little until I get back."

Bobby was too tired, too cold, in too much pain to argue. "Thank you," he whispered. "Be…be careful…There might be more traps…"

"I don't think so," Angela said. "He was working on…making this…" She shivered. "Place secure…but he hadn't really started…He only mentioned the one bomb…"

"Thank you," Stabler said. "I'll still be careful…Hang in there…I'll be back soon."

As Stabler left, Bobby fought against the temptation to close his eyes and give in to the pain. "Alex," he thought. "If only Alex were here…"

"Who's Alex," Angela asked him. Bobby stared up at her. His flashlight sat near him, pointed to the ceiling. Angela leaned over the table's edge, and he could see her pale, bruised face.

"You were calling for Alex," she said. "Oh, you're hurt…terribly hurt…"

"She…she's my partner…my friend…" It hurt more and more to speak.

"My…my children…my husband…Are they all right?"

Bobby struggled against the fog that threatened to overwhelm him. "They're worried…but ok…They'll be glad to see you." Pain seized him.

"Please…please…Bobby…please stay with me," Angela pleaded.

"I'll…I'll try…Keep talking…If you can…It helps."

She slipped slowly and cautiously off the table to sit next to him. "He…he was so angry." She clutched Bobby's jacket to her body. "He said…I had no right to be a mother…" She looked at Bobby. "I…I'm a good mother…I told him…But he said I'd ruin their lives…He…he did horrible things to me…" She choked.

Bobby reached out his right hand to softly touch her cheek. "Did…did you see him?"

She nodded. "He was big…like you…He came up to me as I left work…He showed me a badge and said he was a cop…that he needed to see my registration…And when I got in the car to get it…" She shivered. "I'm not sure what happened…He hit me and shoved me down…He…He was so big…and I couldn't fight him…He tied me up and gagged me and blindfolded me…and brought me here…"

Angela began crying; Bobby found one of her hands and held it.

"I begged him…I begged him to let me live to see my children…He laughed at me…he laughed at me while he raped me…and raped me…over and over again…"

Her cries turned to sobs; Bobby wrapped his left arm around her and pulled her to him.

"It…it's ok…He's gone…He won't hurt you any more," Bobby whispered. "You'll get to see your kids…you just need to hold on…"

Stabler found her clinging to Bobby when he returned to the basement. He gently wrapped the blankets he'd found around them. Stabler handed Angela a bottle of water, which she drank quickly.

"Not so fast," Stabler said. "Too much could be bad." He unscrewed the cap from another bottle and raised it to Bobby's lips. Bobby sipped it slowly.

"Hang in there Goren," Stabler said. "I need you around to keep Eames from killing me."

Bobby tried to smile. "Only after she's done with me."

He shivered, and several violent coughs wracked his body. Blood trickled from the corner of his mouth. Shadows filled his mind. He thought he heard a siren in the distance. He knew he heard Stabler and Angela pleading with him to hang on, telling him that help was coming, that he had to stay awake. But the pain was too strong, his exhaustion too deep, the shadows too inviting.

"I'm sorry," Bobby thought as the darkness claimed him. "Alex…I'm so sorry…"

End Chapter Eight


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks to everyone for the kind reviews of all the stuff I've recently posted.

Chapter Nine

Alex Eames often dreaded the sound of a phone, any phone, ringing. Since the start of what the press called the Library Slasher, her hatred of the sound had grown stronger. As she left work, Ross told her to shut off her cell. ("If we really need to find you, we will," he told her. "You and Goren are starting to look like ghosts…You need rest if you can get it.") She shut off both her phone and her mind for the early part of the evening and managed to enjoy the time with her family. But she limited her alcohol consumption to a couple of beers and avoided the topic of work. The latter wasn't unusual; Alex rarely talked about the job to her family. She was discrete and had no desire to worry her parents. The one exception was if any member of her family dared to make any disparaging remarks about her partner. Such comments brought a spirited defense from Alex, and her family learned to keep any negative thoughts about Bobby to themselves. There were no such remarks through the evening, but shortly after the cake and ice cream were handed out, Alex's cop brother found her in the otherwise empty kitchen.

"Word is that you've got a tough case," he said.

"Word is right," Alex sighed.

He pulled a beer from the fridge. "Word also is that there's some trouble among the detectives…"

A spark of anger flamed in Alex. She loved this brother, as she did all of her family, but he was the most protective of her family. He was a very good cop, but very conventional, and it was that quality that assisted his rise in the department. He didn't understand Bobby Goren, and in the early days of Alex's partnership with Bobby had encouraged her to consider a transfer. Alex knew that her brother had always kept an ear to the ground for any rumors about Bobby's behavior and that he considered her partner somehow responsible for the recent attack on her.

"My partner has not been the problem," she said, trying to control her voice. "But there are no real problems…especially after today…"

Her brother sipped his beer. "Lex…Like I've told you…Working with him may not get you noticed in the right way…"

The spark of anger flamed. "I've told you before," Alex said coldly. "I'm not in this job to get noticed…in the right or wrong way…And if having the best solve rate in the department doesn't get you noticed in the right way, I don't know what does…"

"But, Lex…you nearly got…He's been shoving you away…"

"He did not nearly get me killed…He was as much a victim in that as I was…" Her eyes flashed at her brother. "And things are good between us now…You're one of those cops who've never given him a chance…He busts his butt every day to solve cases and make the department look good…And he works…The answers don't just appear before him…All guys like you can do is stand around and criticize him…Call him weird and crazy…You know nothing about him…"

The vehemence of her defense of Bobby stunned her brother, who backed away from her.

"I'm sorry, Lex…Really, I am…But Goren says so little…He doesn't defend himself…and I worry about you."

"He doesn't defend himself because he feels like no one listens to him." Alex's anger eased as she sensed her brother's motives were good. "And you don't have to worry about me, at least as far as Bobby's concerned. He's always looking out for me…I plan to be his partner as long as he'll have me…"

After her encounter with her brother, Alex had no desire to return to the party. She made her apologies, said good night, cuddled her nephew, said good night again, and finally reached her car. As she drove away, she wondered why she reacted so strongly against her brother's comments about Bobby. "They weren't that different from what he's always said…And, God knows, we've been having a rough time lately…When did I start caring more about Bobby than my own family…When did I…" Alex shook at the revelation; she pulled the car over and stared at the dark road. "When did I fall in love…Oh, God…no…no…I can't…" She gripped the steering wheel as if it was a life preserver. "No…not me…not Bobby…not him…It's not just that he's my partner and it's forbidden…It's wrong…He's got so many problems…I don't know if he's capable of loving anyone …Or thinking that anyone could love him…But he's such a good man…Oh, God…what am I going to do?" She rested her head on the wheel, its cool surface providing some solace.

The thought of Bobby reminded her that her partner was probably caught in his own purgatory at the moment. Alex pulled out her cell, turned it on and checked for messages. She expected and hoped for one from Bobby, but the only number displayed was Olivia Benson's.

"No," Alex thought. "Not another one…"

She responded to Benson's message and called the detective. Olivia answered quickly. There was bad news—another missing woman who fit the profile of the victims—but there was also the first really good news they'd had in the case—Bobby's ideas had led to a possible suspect. Could Alex help her talk to the missing woman's family, who lived just outside the city? Alex swallowed and said yes. She met Olivia at the Corelli family home, and found herself interviewing Anthony Corelli. Mr. Corelli was a not quite stocky man with dark wavy hair and dark brown eyes. Alex thought he'd be a handsome man if not for the red rims and dark shadows around and under his eyes. Olivia had quietly taken charge of the two Corelli children, a frightened and handsome six-year old boy and a puzzled but cheerful two-year old girl. Alex watched Olivia with the children out of the corner of her eyes; she realized that the other detective's manner was very like Bobby's. At that moment, Alex missed Bobby very much. She'd asked Olivia not to call Bobby unless he was definitely needed. Olivia nodded sympathetically, and Alex sensed that she understood why Bobby shouldn't be disturbed.

Anthony Corelli offered nothing to help the case.

"You think," he whispered, tears in his eyes, "that …that monster…in the news…has her?"

Alex paused; giving bad news to families and friends was always easier with Bobby near. "It's a possibility," she finally admitted. "But not certain…We're doing everything we can…"

They left the Corellis with information about Victims' Services and promises to call as soon as they had any news. Alex knew the sight of the two children clinging to their father would haunt her dreams long after the case ended.

As they walked to their cars, Olivia told Alex about Mrs. Czechowski's disappearance. Alex groaned. "Bobby'll take that hard," she said.

Olivia looked at her sympathetically. "Yea…Elliott will too…"

Alex's eyes narrowed.

"I know," Olivia said quickly. "He's not your favorite person right now…But Elliott was thinking of the victims…He's not a cruel man…"

"Where is he?" Alex asked, her opinion of Stabler softening slightly in the face of Olivia's loyalty.

"Following a possible lead on the suspect," Olivia said. "The Clarets own a farm near a town called Claremont…"

Olivia's cell phone rang. As Alex waited for her, the soft snow flurries that had dotted the night sky turned to a full scale storm. The snow drove the detectives into Olivia's car. Olivia frowned as she listened to her phone. She thanked Fin, closed her phone, and turned to report to Alex. Fin and Munch had visited the Claret family residence in Manhattan; the family claimed no knowledge of Gregory's recent activities, but a maid, leaving the home after her shift, offered her opinion and knowledge of his character and activities. She was decidedly not an admirer of Gregory Claret, and reported that he was banished to the family's farm.

Olivia stared out at the increasing snow. "Stabler is going right into two storms…"

"Bobby," Alex said. "May be dealing with some storms of his own."

Alex followed Olivia as they headed back to the city. The swirling snow and wind made driving increasingly difficult, and Alex fought to keep Olivia's taillights in view. When the other detective's car swerved to the side of the road, Alex barely managed to avoid slamming into its bumper. Guessing that Olivia had lost control in the snow, Alex rushed from her car. Olivia was already stepping out of her car when Alex reached her.

"I just got a call from Captain Cragen," she said, her voice full of worry.  
"Stabler and Goren…"

Fear seized Alex.

"They met and went to check on the Claret farm…They found Angela Corelli alive…but there was a bomb…They're both hurt…Bobby…" Olivia struggled to soften her words. "Bobby may be hurt badly…"

The world shifted away from Alex's feet. She nearly crumbled, but Olivia caught her. "Are you ok?"

Alex straightened. "Yea…We…need to get to them…How far is …"

Alex insisted on driving; Olivia handled the phone. A bulletin was already out for Gregory Claret; Fin and Huang were also on their way to Claremont and would bring the Corellis with them; Munch would continue to work back in Manhattan. Cragen and Ross would deal with the press, the brass, and different agencies. Alex, silently cursing the snow that slowed their progress, drove and desperately tried not to think of the worst case scenarios regarding her partner.

"Did…Cragen…tell you anything about Bobby?" she ventured when Olivia finally finished the last of the many calls.

"Just…just that he helped save Angela Corelli…and probably saved Elliott's life…" Olivia said softly. "He said that Elliott told him that Bobby freed her…that Bobby was in and out of consciousness…He's going to be ok, Alex."

Alex tried to concentrate on the road. "Why…why was he there?"

Olivia hesitated. "Elliott called him."

The storm kept Alex from glaring at Olivia.

"Alex," Olivia pleaded. "Elliott apparently called him because he wanted Bobby to know what was going on…Bobby was driving away from Carmel Ridge…and volunteered to back up Elliott…Elliott didn't ask him to come…But if Bobby hadn't been there…Angela Corelli might not still be alive…" She choked. "Elliott might be dead…Elliott's convinced Bobby saved them…"

Alex let out a deep breath. "Stabler…he trusted…trusts…Bobby…"

"Yes," Olivia said.

Alex concentrated on the road for several miles. "If," she finally said. "Bobby was coming back from Carmel Ridge that early, he must have had a tough visit…"

Olivia tried to offer some consolation. "We do have a strong suspect…a victim was saved…"

"Yea," Alex said. "I just hope the cost wasn't too high…"

End Chapter Nine


	10. Chapter 10

As always, thanks for the reviews of all kinds.

Chapter Ten

Elliott Stabler sat with his aching head in his bandaged hands. He'd feebly protested the Emergency Room's staff's efforts to treat his injuries, but was eventually forced to acquiesce to their demands. He'd managed to avoid taking the painkillers he'd been offered, a move he was starting to regret. Stabler reluctantly left Bobby Goren's side during the ambulances' rides to the hospital; he hated leaving the badly injured detective alone, but felt the greater responsibility was to stay with Angela Corelli. As they waited for help in the terrible basement of the Claret house, the terrified woman had clung to Goren's hand as he drifted in and out of consciousness and had to be forced to leave his side.

"He saved me," she repeated to Stabler and the EMTS. "He was horribly hurt, but he saved me and kept me warm…Please…please take care of him…" It was only after many assurances that Goren would be safe and taken care of that her fears eased. Even then, she clutched Goren's leather jacket in the ambulance.

During the drive to the hospital, Angela provided an excellent description of the man who attacked and abused her, one that perfectly fit Gregory Claret. Stabler, a sickening feeling in his stomach, realized that her attacker clearly didn't intend for Angela to live and was probably on the verge of killing her just as Goren and he arrived at the house. Stabler also knew that if Goren hadn't been with him, it would have been necessary to wait for backup—resulting in Angela's death—or entering the house alone—resulting in Stabler and Angela's deaths.

Stabler stared at the hospital floor. "I owe my life to Bobby Goren," he thought. "I owe my life to the NYPD weirdo, a Major Case hotshot, a man that I accused of…of horrible crimes…I showed his worst nightmares..." Stabler shook his head. "And when he found that bomb, he didn't hesitate for a second…He pushed me out of the way…I was wrong…so wrong…"

He stared down the hallway. Police and deputies from every law enforcement agency in the area filled it—even the Claremont town constable had finally made an appearance. They were responding, of course, to a break in a highly publicized case, but also to help a wounded cop. Several bore the rolled sleeves and band aids of blood donors. Others cautiously approached Stabler to ask how he and Goren were doing. The truth was that he didn't know how Goren was doing, and it was driving him crazy. Angela Corelli was terrified and suffering from the cold, a lack of food and water, and her injuries, but the doctors believed the physically she'd be fine. And, thanks to Goren and Stabler's delicate handling of her, she had a good chance of mending mentally. But Goren…all Stabler knew was that the detective probably had a collapsed lung and a concussion and other injuries.

Stabler leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. "How," he thought. "How am I going to face Olivia and Eames? Or Goren? Hell, I just hope I get the chance to face Goren again…"

"Detective Stabler."

Stabler opened his eyes to see the state police detective who had quietly and efficiently taken charge of the crime scene and investigation. "Your partner and another NYPD detective—a Detective Eames—are nearly here…"

"Eames is Goren's partner," Stabler answered.

"And we found a body in one of the barns on the Claret property…an elderly woman who doesn't fit the other victims' profiles…"

Stabler groaned. "Probably a Mrs. Czechowski…She was a possible witness…Goren was worried about her…"

The state officer was sympathetic. "I'm sorry…It's small comfort…but it doesn't look like she was tortured…"

Stabler leaned forward and held his head in his hands again. "You're right…It's not much consolation…"

There was a commotion at the emergency room's entrance. Stabler looked up; Olivia and Alex Eames were not so quietly reading the riot act to the police and medical personnel gathered there. In spite of his dread to having to explain the night's events, Stabler was glad to see them.

Olivia reached him first. "Elliott," she said. "Are you all right?"

Stabler looked up at her. "Yea…just some cuts and bruises…thanks to Goren…"

"Bobby…" Eames said. "How's Bobby?"

"They…they won't tell me…" Stabler couldn't look at her. "But…I'm sorry, Eames…He didn't look good…I know he's in surgery…"

"Well, they'll tell me," Alex said and marched away.

"I don't envy the doctors and nurses who'll have to face her," Olivia said softly.

"Yea," Stabler said. "I was wrong about him, Liv…Completely wrong…Huang was right…He's incapable of doing anything…anything like…I didn't know anything about him."

"I don't think I'm the person you should apologize to," Olivia said gently.

Stabler stared down the hall. "I just hope I get the chance to do that."

Alex faced down several nurses until she found one who knew something about Bobby's case. "I want to speak with Robert Goren's doctor," she said forcefully.

The older woman looked at her sympathetically. "Right now, the doctors who know about his case are with him in surgery. I can tell you that he was badly hurt, but he was stable when they took him into the operating room. He has several bad lacerations and bruises…a concussion…His worst injuries are several broken ribs and a collapsed lung…"

Alex winced.

"There may be," the nurse continued gently. "Other internal injuries…He's had several units of blood…"

Alex's fingers were white from gripping the edge of the nurses' station.

"I promise," the nurse said. "As soon as we know anything…As soon as he's out of surgery…We'll let you know…"

"Did…did he say anything?" Alex asked.

"He drifted in and out…He was in a lot of pain but trying not to show it…" the nurse answered. "He was very worried about the woman who was hurt…and his mother…and he kept asking for someone named Alex…" She looked warmly at Alex. "I guess you're that Alex."

Alex stared at her feet. "Yes," she said when she could trust her voice. "I am."

As she left the station Alex nearly bumped into Captain Don Cragen.

"How's Goren?" he asked with concern.

"He's in surgery." Alex felt as if all of body's energy was draining on the floor. "One of his lungs collapsed…"

Cragen placed a strong and tender hand on her shoulder. "He's a tough, good guy…He'll be ok…"

Alex knew at that moment why Olivia Benson spoke of her captain with such respect and affection. Alex wanted nothing more than to bury her face in his shoulder.

"Why," she said fighting the impulse. "Are you here?"

"Ross and I decided he would handle things in the city while I took charge here…Ross wanted to come…He's worried about Goren…but he drew the short stick and has to deal with the Brass and the press." Cragen gently pressed her shoulder. "He wants you to concentrate on helping Goren…and to let him know as soon as you can about him…"

Exhaustion pressed against the back of Alex's eyes. "What do you want me to do?"

"I want you," Cragen said. "To join Elliott and Olivia in the surgical waiting room and to do what they're doing."

Cragen walked with her to the waiting room. Alex entered and found Stabler stretched out on a couch and sleeping the unmoving sleep of the exhausted. Olivia, covered by a blanket, struggled to keep her eyes open.

"What's going on?" Alex asked in some confusion.

Olivia yawned and stretched. "Cragen insisted we get some sleep…or at least try to…"

Alex shook her head. "Sneaky dog…He told me to do what you two were doing…"

"Well," Olivia smiled. "He is in charge. And I'm too tired to argue with him right now…I talked to one of the nurses…They'll let us know as soon as Bobby is out of surgery…"

Alex stared at an inviting couch. Every bone in her body begged for sleep, but her mind buzzed with worry about Bobby.

"Alex." Olivia sat up. "He'll be all right…You gotta believe that."

"I'm trying to." Alex finally gave in to her body's demands and sat heavily on the couch.

"And I have bad news," Olivia said tentatively. "Just before he zonked out, Elliott told me the state police found Mrs. Czechowski's body on the farm…"

"Oh, God," Alex half prayed and half cursed.

In the end, her body's exhaustion overcame her mind's buzzing. Alex fought off sleep for as long as she could, but eventually succumbed to a dreamless sleep. When a gentle touch woke her, she felt only slightly less exhausted than before she slept. Alex blinked up at Olivia.

"I'm sorry to wake you," Olivia said. "But Bobby's out of surgery…"

Alex bolted up so quickly that her head spun.

"Easy," Olivia said as she sat next to Alex on the couch. "The nurse said they were moving him to a room…It'll be a few minutes until you can see him…The nurse said that one of the doctors will be here soon."

Alex trembled. "How…how did it sound?"

"She said Bobby got through the surgery ok, but it's still touch and go," Olivia said gently. "You want some lousy coffee?"

Alex looked across the room and saw Stabler still deeply asleep.

"Here you go," Olivia said as she handed Alex the coffee. "Lots of sugar."

"How did you know how I like my coffee?" Alex asked.

"Detective here, remember?" Olivia said lightly. "That, and I watched Bobby fix it for you enough times."

Alex sipped the coffee; it was bitter and strong and sweet. "Yea…Bobby always tells me I'm going to rot out my teeth…Oh, God, Olivia…I hope he's going to be ok…"

"I hope so, too," Olivia said and brushed her hand over Alex's shoulder.

A ridiculously young man wearing scrubs entered the room. "Alex Eames?" he asked.

"Here," Alex said in a weak voice. She felt as if she were back in Sister Joseph Francis' third grade class.

The young man stepped over to her. He looked tired. "I'm Dr. Phillips," he said. "I understand you're Robert Goren's medical representative?"

"Oh, no," Alex thought. "Something's gone wrong…"

Dr. Phillips sat across from Alex and Olivia. Alex felt Olivia gently gripping her arm.

"Mr. Goren got through the surgery very well," the doctor began.

Relief poured over Alex.

"Now, he's far from out of the woods," Phillips continued. "He has a lot of injuries, and he lost a lot of blood. He has a slight case of hypothermia…But there's a lot to be optimistic about…"

"How…how badly was he hurt?" Alex thought her voice seemed to belong to another person.

Phillips leaned forward. "He has a concussion…Some bad lacerations and bruises…But his worst injuries were broken ribs and a collapsed lung…There was some internal bleeding, but we seem to have that under control…"

"Can…can I see him?" Alex asked.

"Yes," the doctor said. "You'll probably do him some good…In the ER…when he was fading in and out…Mr. Goren kept asking for someone named Alex…I understand you're that Alex…"

Alex nodded.

"It will be scary…The bruises and cuts look bad, and there's a lot of equipment around him…We have him on a ventilator to take the stress off his lung…He's heavily sedated for the same reason…But we should start easing him off the ventilator and the medication in about forty eight hours…"

"His chances are good?" Olivia asked the question Alex couldn't.

Phillips nodded. "Very good…As I said…There's still danger…There's the possibility of infections, and he's very weak…But he should be ok…" Phillips stood. "I'm afraid only one person can see him…"

Without speaking, Alex and Olivia knew that Olivia would handle everything. Alex followed the young doctor to the ICU. As she walked down the unit, Alex tried to ignore the other patients, many of them hooked up to so many and so large of machines that they seemed to be strange robotic creatures. She tried to brace herself for the sight of Bobby in the same state.

"Here we are," Dr. Phillips said gently. "Like I said…it's a little scary…"

Alex hesitated at the glass door. Bobby didn't look quite as awful as some of the other patients. There weren't quite as many machines; he seemed somehow more alive, more human. But he was unnaturally still, and his skin was terribly pale in the few places where it wasn't bruised. Several blankets covered him; several tubes ran beneath them. Several machines surrounded him; many of them made reassuring bleeps and blips, but the largest was the ventilator aiding his breathing. Alex stepped closer to the bed. In spite of his size, Bobby looked fragile and vulnerable. She reached beneath the blankets and found his left hand.

"The rules," Dr. Phillips said. "Say that visitors are only supposed to stay for a few minutes each hour." He pulled a chair next to the bed. "But the nurses will ignore that if there's a good reason…And I'll let them know there's a good reason here." He gave her a quick smile, quickly checked Bobby, and left.

Alex sat next to the bed. She gripped his hand tightly. "Please," she whispered. "Please…please…get better…We…I…need you…please…"

End Chapter Ten


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Captain Danny Ross glared at the snow his windshield wipers weren't quite able to keep up with. The snow impeded his progress from the Claret farm to the hospital, and Ross hated anything that impeded his progress towards anything. The longer he remained in his car, the greater the chance he'd be called back to the city to deal with the Brass and the press, and the more time he'd have to consider Bobby Goren.

"Bobby," Ross thought. "Why does he want to be called Bobby? He's six feet four and built like a Mack truck. Maybe it's because he's six feet four and built like a Mack truck…Why do you still let people call you Danny?"

Ross frowned at the road. He'd spent most of the previous hours dealing with the Brass and the press, and had no desire to waste any more time with them. Don Cragen had kept him in the loop (Ross was enormously grateful that Cragen was more than living up to his reputations as a great cop and a great guy), but Ross was eager to get to the crime scene and to his detectives.

James Deakins had tried to give him a heads up regarding Goren, but Ross was skeptical, partly because of Goren's reputation, partly because of the shadow over Deakins' resignation. His brief time as head of Major Case led Ross to decide that Deakins was far more sinned against than sinning and that, with the notable exception of Alex Eames, he understood Goren as well as anyone.

"He'll drive you crazy," Deakins told Ross when the two men met for an off the record and out of the way drink. "He'll spin theories…Ignore perfectly logical ideas…Badger witnesses…Create havoc…Annoy the D.A.'s office…Annoy the brass…And then he'll save your reputation by closing a case so neatly that the sharpest defense attorney can't unravel it…He'll do something so brave and foolhardy that you'll want to give him a medal and kick his rear at the same time…And he'll never want any credit for it beyond doing his job." And Deakins, Ross thought, had warned him that Goren wasn't the average cop because he wasn't the average human being. "He's a survivor," Deakins said. "And, from what little I know, he survived some awful things…But he didn't get away without a lot of hurt…and a lot of it hasn't healed."

The first few months of Ross' tenure as head of Major Case confirmed Deakins' words. In case after case, Goren appeared to enjoy challenging his captain and reveling in going against the stream; in case after case, Goren saved the Squad's, the Department's and Ross' reputations. He'd cleared the fourteen-year-old Amberleigh case in a matter of days. Even in the midst of personal turmoil, Goren had found the Deputy Commissioner's daughter and her killer. He hadn't solved the cases on his own, of course; Alex Eames was just as important. Ross had seen how lost and desperate Goren became when Eames was taken by Jo Gage and how hurt and angry Eames became when Goren pushed her away. It was clear this was one of the more complicated, equal, and valuable partnerships in the NYPD. Ross liked Eames. He liked her toughness, her sharp wit (even when it was directed at him), her compassion, her loyalty. Ross knew very few cops, male or female, who would have come back as quickly as Eames did from her attack. Her loyalty to Goren was a major factor in the captain's attempt to keep an open mind regarding the detective.

Ross drove into the hospital's parking garage; it was early enough that he easily found a spot on a lower floor. He sat for several moments to collect his wits. His brief stop at the Claret farm had shaken him. It seemed that Gregory Claret was an evil man who did evil things, and the evidence of that evil was spread through the remains of the farmhouse basement. One of the explosive experts told Ross that Goren and Stabler were lucky, very lucky.

"If this guy knew more about making bombs, or if this house wasn't so well constructed," he said. "We'd have a couple of dead cops."

"At the least," Ross thought. "We've got one badly hurt."

He stepped from his car and tried not to wince as the icy wind hit him. This was one of those times when he wanted to give Goren a medal, not just for his saving of Angela Corelli and Elliott Stabler, but for his behavior throughout the case. Ross had to admit that while he still wasn't sure if he liked Goren, he certainly respected him. It was a new, occasionally disconcerting, occasionally refreshing, experience for Ross not to be the smartest guy in the room, to not be the only guy who read the newspaper beyond the sports page, to not be the only one who could read people like a large print book. He was also getting used to being read as well as doing the reading; Ross smiled at the memory of Goren asking him if he knew he was "reductive". The remark annoyed him at the time, but Ross now thought, "He got that right."

Don Cragen, wearing his usual grim and sorrowful look, met Ross as he entered the hospital.

"We've got some good leads on Gregory Claret," Cragen said. "Fin and Munch are following some…The lead detective from the state is furious that Claret was on their payroll and is devoting a lot of manpower to tracking him down…But Claret's family may be helping him…"

"How are Stabler and Goren?" Ross asked as they took an elevator to the ICU.

"Elliott's fine, aside from cuts and bruises and a well deserved guilt trip," Cragen said. "Goren…" He shook his head. "The doctors say he should be ok…but I have to tell you…He looked awful last night."

Ross nodded. "The victim?"

"She's traumatized, of course…George Huang has been with her…He told me Stabler and Goren handled her perfectly, and that's a huge plus…The doctors say that physically she should be fine…Stabler thinks that he and Goren got to her just in time…" The two captains reached the ICU. "I have to tell you, Ross…I've been extremely impressed by your two detectives…They've done remarkable work during this case…And I'm convinced Goren saved Elliott and Angela Corelli's lives…"

"They're the best," Ross said. "Even when they're driving me crazy…"

"Let's see if the nurses will let you back to see Goren," Cragen said as they approached the nurses' station. "This," he said to one of the nurses. "Is Detective Goren's captain…"

The nurse studied Ross; he apparently passed the inspection. "You can go back for a short time," she said. "Maybe you can get Detective Eames to take a break…"

"She's been with him since he got out of surgery," Cragen said admiringly. "She let me sit with him for a few minutes…And Benson got her away for a cup of coffee…But she's been away from him for only a few minutes…"

"I'm not surprised," Ross said. "When Eames was in the hospital, Goren was at her side every minute her family wasn't."

Cragen promised to keep Ross up to speed on the investigation and left. Ross found Goren's bed and paused outside the glass door. Surrounded by machines, Goren, pale and eerily still, was propped up on the bed. Her small frame sprawling from the chair to the bed, Eames was asleep. Her left arm was draped protectively over Goren; her right hand clutched his left. The sight was vaguely familiar to Ross, and he remembered with a start that Bobby Goren maintained that same posture when he was at Eames' bedside a few months before. Ross stepped into the room as quietly as he could, but some sixth sense informed Alex of his presence. She woke, blinked, and slowly and stiffly sat up.

"Captain," she said softly and looked quickly at Bobby.

"How is he?" Ross asked.

The doctors…" Alex stretched her protesting muscles. "Are optimistic…But he has a concussion…a couple of broken ribs…His right lung collapsed…

Ross winced.

"He lost a lot of blood." Alex continued to hold Bobby's hand. "But he's stable now…"

Ross tentatively placed his hand on Alex's shoulder. "And how do you feel?"

"Numb, I guess," she said after a beat. "And…tired…It…it was a rough night…"

"That," Ross said. "Sounds like an understatement."

A nurse carrying a small tray entered. "I'm sorry," she said. "But I need to give Mr. Goren some medication and to check his vital signs…If you could just step out of the room for a few minutes…"

Alex reluctantly followed Ross from the room. They walked to the waiting room where Olivia Benson greeted them.

"Some of the nurses finally persuaded Elliott to take some painkillers and get some real sleep…He's in an actual bed," she said.

"How's he doing?" Alex asked. Her attitude towards Stabler had softened considerably in the face of his genuine remorse and guilt and his vigil with Olivia in the waiting room.

"He's got bruises and cuts and a ringing in his ears…For a guy who nearly got blown up, he's doing pretty good," Olivia smiled. Her mood grew somber. "Captain…how's the hunt for Claret?"

Ross gave Olivia and Alex as much information as he could, and then left with a promise to stop by the hospital before he returned to the city. Olivia departed to check on Stabler, and Alex, uncertain of what to do, was alone in the waiting room. "His Mom," she thought. "Her doctors need to know…" And Alex realized she had no idea of how to reach Carmel Ridge, or even if Bobby's Mom was at that or another hospital. "Damnit, Bobby!" she thought. "You're a cop…Things happen to everyone, but especially to cops…You have to let someone know something…"

She sighed, pulled out her cell phone, and began dialing. "When you get better, Bobby Goren," she thought. "You're going to have to take me to a really expensive restaurant to make up for all the extra charges on my cell phone…"

Alex fortunately possessed enough information to track down Dr. Shimo, the psychiatrist she'd heard Bobby mention in connection with his mother's case. Dr. Shimo, initially hesitant at speaking with Alex, became more open when she identified herself as Bobby's partner.

"He's spoken very warmly of you…although he doesn't say much about his work," Dr. Shimo said. "I believe he tries very hard to keep it from his mother."

"And right now," Alex thought. "Everything's crashing together."

Frances Goren was one of Dr. Shimo's favorite if difficult patients; Bobby Goren was one of his favorite family members. He assured Alex that he'd contact Frances Goren's other doctors and make sure her treatment wouldn't be interrupted. He would also consider telling her about her son, although it would depend upon the older woman's mental state, which, as of last night, wasn't good. Alex promised to keep Dr. Shimo informed about Bobby; Dr. Shimo promised to keep Alex informed about Bobby's mother.

Alex returned to her vigil by Bobby's bed. True to his word, Ross stopped by briefly before he returned to the city. Captain Cragen also came by, as well as Olivia, who managed to get Alex to the hospital cafeteria to grab a few bites of food. Through the day, several of the machines around Bobby's bed disappeared. Dr. Phillips and others periodically swept in, hovered over Bobby, and left. They spoke reassuring words and told Alex they were starting to ease Bobby out of his deep sleep. Near the day's end the doctors and nurses finally released Bobby from the ventilator; Alex spent several anxious minutes standing outside his room willing him to breath on his own. The flock of doctors and nurses left the room, with a smiling Dr. Phillips in the rear.

"He's doing well," he told Alex. "His lung shows no signs of collapsing. It's clear and working fine…There's no sign of the internal bleeding…We're lowering the level of sedation…He should wake up tomorrow…"

Alex breathed in relief. "He's going to be ok?"

"There's still some danger of infection…and he'll be in a lot of pain…But things look very good…You might want to try to get some real rest yourself…"

The thought of real rest even on a waiting room couch was terribly inviting, but Alex looked at Bobby. He was so pale, so weak, so alone.

"I'll stay here," she said softly. "At least for a little while…"

Dr. Phillips smiled at her. "I sort of expected that."

Comforted by the rhythm of Bobby's regular breathing, Alex drifted into a light sleep. She woke with a start when a nurse touched her gently on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she said. "But there's a Mr. Corelli in the waiting room…He says he has something of Mr. Goren's…"

Alex yawned and stretched. "Uh…ok…but…" She looked at Bobby.

"He's fine," the nurse said. "Don't worry…"

Anthony Corelli stood uncertainly in the middle of the waiting room. With a shock, Alex saw that he held Bobby's leather jacket.

"Detective Eames," he said hesitantly. "How's Detective Goren?"

"He…he's doing well…The doctors think he's going to be all right," Alex answered.

"I…I'm so glad to hear that…Angela…Angela says he saved her life…" Mr. Corelli was on the verge of tears, and Alex was fairly sure she was near them as well.

"Detective Stabler helped too…Bobby…Detective Goren would want you to know that…"

Corelli nodded. "I…I met Detective Benson in the hall…She said Detective Stabler was ok, too."

"Yes," Alex said.

The dark haired man shook his head. "They both…such courage…bravery…and…they helped Angela so much…Terrible things happened to her…but the way they talked to her…especially Detective Goren…It helped her so much…I…I can't begin to thank them…"

"It's our job," Alex said. "It's what we do…"

"I think it's more than that…" Corelli struggled for a moment. "I…I wanted to return this…" He held out the jacket. "Detective Goren put this around Angela…She held onto it during the ambulance drive…It's…it's got some blood…" He choked.

"That's all right," Alex said gently. "Detective Goren has told me he's helping the owner of the cleaning service near his apartment put his children through college…"

Corelli recovered. "I…I'd be happy to make a contribution to that cause, if Detective Goren sends me the cleaning bill."

Alex tenderly took the jacket. "I'll let him know."

"Please," Corelli said as he started to leave. "When he can have visitors, I'd like to come…and my children would like to meet the man who saved their mother…"

Alex now had to fight against choking. "Of course," she whispered.

She carried the jacket with her when she returned to her chair by Bobby's bed. Before she sat, Alex slipped on the ridiculously large jacket and wrapped it around her. She softly kissed Bobby on the forehead, sat, and clutched the jacket around her as she watched his chest rise and fall.

End Chapter Eleven


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

It was so dark that he couldn't see. But he could hear and smell him—hear the grunts, the slurred curses, the shuffling steps, the smack of leather against skin; smell the cheap scotch and perfume.

"Stay quiet," he thought. "If you stay quiet, he won't find you."

The shuffling stopped. He froze, not moving, taking small, soft breaths. The sound of leather against skin continued.

"C'mere, boy…" Smack! "You ungrateful bastard…" Smack! "Time to take your punishment…" Smack!

He struggled not to shiver, not to cry.

"No…" Her voice cried. "Don't hurt him…He hasn't done anything wrong…"

The smacking stopped.

"Shut up, or I'll shut you up…I pay enough for him…He should respect me…I'll teach him to respect me." Smack!

He jerked at the sound. "No," he thought. "Don't let him know…Don't let him find you…Please don't let him hurt her…"

"C'mere, you mama's boy…so smart…Think you know more than me…I'll teach you something you can't learn in books…"

"No," she said. "He's a good boy…a kind boy…Don't hurt him…"

There was a crash, and she screamed. "No! No!"

"I told you," he yelled. "I'll shut you up!"

The boy exploded from his hiding place. "No! Don't you touch her! Don't you hurt her!"

"Robert…No…No…Run away…Get away…No…Robert…Robert…Bobby…Bobby…"

He fought to see through the darkness. Faces around him morphed from his mother to Alex to Angela Corelli; from his father to Gregory Claret. He tried to fight, but he was so tired and there was so much pain. His chest was on fire; a hammer pounded inside his head.

"Bobby…Bobby…It's all right…"

"Alex," he thought. "It's Alex…" The fear drained away; the fire eased; the pounding softened. He tried to speak, but only a strangled gurgle emerged.

"Easy," Alex said gently. Her hand was on Bobby's left arm. "You've been out for a while…And that was after being blown up…Here…" She raised a cup of water and held the straw so Bobby could take a sip.

"Thank you," he whispered after he drank the blessedly cool water. He tried to sit up and was rewarded with several wracking coughs. Tears filled his eyes, and Bobby gasped in pain.

Alex reached to hit the call button. "Take it easy…"

Bobby fell back on the pillows. "Angela…Angela Corelli?"

"She's doing remarkably well," Alex said gently. "You helped her a lot…Her husband returned your jacket…" She pointed to the leather jacket lying over the back of her chair.

Bobby relaxed slightly. "And Stabler?"

"He's got a walloping headache and a good sense of guilt…Both of which he'll survive," Alex said lightly. "Please," she thought. "Don't ask about Mrs. Czechowski…"

"Good…good…" Bobby murmured. He shivered.

"Here…" Alex tenderly pulled the covers over him.

"It…it was so cold…so cold…in that place," Bobby whispered.

A flock of nurses arrived, quickly followed by Dr. Phillips and other doctors. They gently brushed Alex aside and hovered around Bobby. After several minutes, they pulled away, leaving a pleased Phillips to speak with Alex and Bobby.

"I know you may not feel like it right now," he said. "But you're doing very well."

"I'd hate to know how I'd feel if I was doing badly," Bobby said.

Phillips smiled. "Just don't be afraid to ask for anything…Especially pain medication…I have hopes we can move you from the ICU to a regular room tomorrow…" He nodded to Alex and left.

Alex stepped closer to Bobby's bed. He was clearly exhausted and struggled to keep his eyes open.

"It's all right, Bobby," she said. "Get some rest…"

He closed his eyes, and Alex sat in the chair.

"My…My Mom…" His voice startled her. "Someone…someone needs to call…make sure she's ok…" His voice was soft and hesitant, and Alex guessed that pain and exhaustion weren't the only reasons for it.

"I called," she said, hoping that Bobby wouldn't think her actions were an intrusion. "I called Dr. Shimo…"

Bobby stared at his blankets; his left hand clutched at the sheet.

"He's going to make sure your Mom gets her treatments…He's going to tell her that you're hurt when he thinks she can handle it.."

"Thank you," Bobby said after several of the longest moments of Alex's life. "Thank you for tracking him down…"

"You're welcome," Alex said. "It wasn't too hard for a First Grade Detective."

"She…was it yesterday or the day before…She wasn't good." Bobby cracked open one of his locked doors. "She…she was very confused. I…It wasn't a good visit…I…I was actually glad to get Stabler's call…Gave me something to do…" He took a deep breath and coughed.

Alex gripped his left hand. "Are you ok? You want me to call…"

"I…I'm ok." He closed his eyes for a moment. "The meds are helping."

He became quiet, and Alex hoped he'd fallen asleep. Just as she started to breath more easily, he whispered.

"Mrs. Czechowski…Have they found her? Is she all right?"

Alex took a deep breath and leaned forward. "I'm sorry, Bobby…" She decided on a direct approach. "They found her body in one of the buildings on the farm…"

Bobby turned his head away from her.

"It's not your fault, Bobby…You can't possibly think it was your fault…"

"I…I led him to her…I should've asked for…demanded…protection for her…" He spoke more to himself than to Alex.

"Bobby," Alex said firmly. She gently turned his face back to her. "WE didn't do everything…Social Services didn't…But none of us killed her…"

His eyes shone with pain. "She…She didn't even see anything…She wasn't a threat…"

"I know," Alex said sadly. She tenderly tucked the covers around him.

He slept fitfully, interrupted by doctors and nurses and disturbed by dreams. Some of the dreams were variations on old nightmares—visions of his mother and father, of a young Bobby Goren shivering in the cold and dark—while others were new, but just as terrifying—of the recently murdered women, of Angela Corelli, of Mrs. Czechowski, of Stabler lost in the bomb's debris, of Alex in the hands of Gregory Claret, and of an adult Bobby Goren shivering in the cold and dark.

He woke terrified from one of the dreams, and as he struggled out of the nightmare's grip, Bobby searched and called desperately for Alex.

"Easy, Goren," Stabler said. "You don't want to cause yourself any more pain than you've got…"

Bobby blinked. "Al…Eames?"

"Finally got her to take a break…She's in the waiting room getting some sleep on a couch…"

"Good…good…" Bobby murmured. He looked at Stabler; his face bore several cuts and bruised, and a small bandage covered his forehead. "How you doing?"

"A lot better since I started listening to the doctors and nurses," Stabler smiled. "I need to thank you…"

Bobby gave him a puzzled look. "What for?"

"Saving my life," Stabler answered gently.

Bobby's faced flushed. "It…I had to shove you to get you out of my way…"

"I remember it a little differently," Stabler said dryly. He sensed Goren's embarrassment and recalled that Eames had told him that Goren hated compliments almost more than criticisms. "But we both got knocked around, so our memories may be suspect."

"Yea," Bobby said, relieved that Stabler wasn't pushing the issue.

"I do know," Stabler said. "That you did and said the right things for Angela Corelli…"

Bobby shivered; the sight of Angela Corelli bound to the table in that cold, terrible basement would haunt him for a long time.

"You ok?" Stabler asked.

"Yea…just…just…You have a tough job, Stabler," Bobby said. "I…I think I understand a little why you get so angry at the perps…"

Stabler considered Goren's words. The detective had a reputation as a master manipulator, but Stabler sensed no machinations behind his statements.

"Yea," Stabler said. "It can help…or it can blind you."

Bobby was one step ahead of Stabler. "It's ok…I would've suspected me, if the places were reversed…And I've been known to find evidence where I'm not supposed to…"

"You're generous," Stabler said. "I'm not sure…if the places were reversed…that I'd be as forgiving…It's just I wanted to get this guy so badly…"

"I understand that," Bobby said. "Sometimes…our cases…trying to figure out the perps…I can get so far in their heads…" He smiled. "But Eames keeps me on track…"

Stabler smiled as well. "Yea, I've seen how you two work together…Olivia and I have that most of the time…If I'd just talked things over with her, I would never have pulled that stunt…"

"And some guys thinks women are too emotional to be cops," Bobby said wryly.

"They should see us," Stabler grinned.

"Hey," Bobby said. "Look at that…We just had another civil conversation…" He yawned.

"Get some sleep," Stabler said gently.

Bobby ignored him. "How's the investigation?"

Stabler decided not to fight him. "I don't know a lot…only what I've heard from Cragen and Olivia…They're searching for Claret…Munch found out…" He paused, uncertain of how this news would affect Goren. "Claret's mother was diagnosed as schizophrenic when he was a kid…She probably physically abused him…His father wasn't around much…The family tried to sweep it under the rug…"

Bobby stared at the window. "Anything else?" he asked in a flat voice.

"Another homeless woman…a friend of Mrs. Czechowski…Saw her getting into a car the day her social worker lost track of her." Stabler studied Bobby. "That wasn't your fault, Goren…You did everything you could…We can't lock up potential witnesses…Especially if they haven't seen anything…"

"I know." Bobby roused from his black study. "Stabler, is Huang around?"

"I think so," Stabler said.

"I'd like to run something by him." Bobby's uninjured left hand started to punctuate his comments. "Claret doesn't like loose ends…He likes to show how much smarter he is than the police…"

Stabler followed Bobby's thoughts. "Right…so…"

"Angela Corelli is another loose end…One the police took from him…"

"But she's in the hospital…surrounded by cops," Stabler said.

"It's not logical," Bobby agreed. "But we're not dealing with a necessarily logical mind…And he thinks he knows police procedure…It might be the ultimate game…the ultimate thrill…for him."

Stabler nodded; he winced as he stood. "I'll find Huang and Cragen…run this by them…" He paused at the door. "You know, Goren," he said admiringly. "Even with a concussion, you've still get one of the best…if not the best…brains in the Department.

END Chapter 12


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

True to his word, Dr. Phillips moved Bobby to regular room the next day, a process that left his patient exhausted.

"His vital signs are good; he's breathing well," Phillips confided to Alex. "But he's not eating and sleeping well…I'm hoping this move will help…"

Alex thought she knew why Bobby wasn't sleeping well—it was one of the reasons she wasn't sleeping well. They weren't able to wrap their arms around each other and drive away each other's nightmares. Alex kept this information from Dr. Phillips.

"I don't think he sleeps well under the best of circumstances," she said.

Phillips quietly absorbed this information. "Well, try to encourage him to eat…and to take his pain medication…"

"He doesn't like drugs," Alex said. She knew that Bobby had seen too many people, including his mother, turned into zombies by medications and that his time in Narcotics had cemented his skeptical view of pharmaceuticals. "He'll barely take an aspirin."

"I understand," Phillips said. "But he doesn't need to suffer…Try to tell him that…If he'll listen to anyone, it'll be you…"

Alex smiled. "He can be a very stubborn man."

"I'm discovering that," Phillips said wryly.

Bobby's new room was comfortable and quiet; the nurses on the floor greeted him warmly.

"We've heard good things about you from the ICU nurses," one of them said cheerfully.

After the nurses and doctors departed, Alex sat on a surprisingly comfortable chair. "I hope your bed feels this good."

Bobby shifted uncomfortably. "Uh…yea…" He toyed with the blankets. "Alex…"

She leaned forward in the chair. "Yea…"

"My…my mom…Do you…I mean…I don't expect you…to have to…but…" He swallowed. "Do you know how she is?" He stared down at the blankets.

Alex softly placed a hand on Bobby's arm. "I've called every day…Dr. Shimo say's she's doing well…He told her that you got hurt…He didn't give her a lot of the details…But he let her know that you saved someone…He said she was very worried about you…But she was also very proud…"

He continued to stare at the blankets.

Alex took a deep breath. "I…I though I might…I might go see her…unless it'd be an intrusion…If you wouldn't mind…"

Bobby trembled. "It…It's just," he said so softly that Alex barely heard him. "I…never wanted anyone…especially you…to have to deal with this…no one…" His voice faded.

"Bobby," Alex said gently and firmly. "Everyone who cares about you…Me…We want to help you…You're not alone…"

"I…I…" Bobby swallowed. "Like I told you…It was just my Mom and me for so long…It's hard to ask for help…To accept it…"

"Can you try," she asked. "To let me…"

"I…I'm working on it." He raised his eyes to meet hers. "But…if you go to see her…"

He flung open another door.

"You should call Dr. Shimo…Make sure she's ok…" Bobby struggled at first, but the words came more easily to him as he spoke. "Even if she's ok when you start out, she may not be when you get there…It can be very frustrating…and frightening…"

Alex tightened her grip on his arm. "Ok…I've been warned…"

Bobby winced and fell back on the pillows.

"You ok?" Alex asked. "Should I call a nurse?"

"I…I…" He was too exhausted and in too much pain to pretend. "I could use a jolt…" He pushed the button that controlled the medication. "You know," he said as the painkiller began to work. "I understand why people get addicted to this stuff…" He drifted into sleep.

"Ok," Alex thought. "He's letting me in…Step by step…It's slow, but he's letting me in…" She watched Bobby sleep, taking comfort in the steady rising and falling of his chest. The grey and purple bruises showed sharply against his pale face. "Strange," Alex thought. "Bobby's eyes and hair are so dark, but his skin is always so pale…" She gently ruffled the dark curls. "I wonder," she thought. "If he looks at me…If he thinks about me…the way I think about him…Could he…Does he…love me?" Holding his hand, she leaned back in the chair.

Bobby slept fitfully through the night; Alex sensed he suffered bad dreams, and she could only imagine what those dreams contained. She guessed that the contents of that file from Child Protective Services held more than enough material for decades of nightmares. She wished that she could slip under the covers and wrap her arms around Bobby; she knew that such a move would comfort her as well as him. She also knew the move was completely impractical, not only because of the danger of being caught, but also because the hospital bed barely held Bobby.

In the morning, Bobby picked at his breakfast. In his defense, Alex admitted the food didn't appear appetizing.

"Hey," she said. "How'd you like some real coffee?"

Bobby smiled at her. "They allow real coffee in here?"

"I've found some nearby…"

"You would," Bobby said, his smile getting bigger.

"And you'll be glad of it soon," Alex grinned. "I'll be right back with some…and maybe something edible…"

"Could you," Bobby asked eagerly. "Bring some magazines and newspapers?"

Bearing coffee, bagels, and reading materials, Alex returned several minutes later. Bobby hadn't been so happy in some time; he quickly began scanning the magazines and papers.

"Here," Alex said. "Your coffee and a bagel with…"

Bobby's head shot up. "Peanut butter and cream cheese?"

"So that's the secret to getting you to eat," Alex said as she watched Bobby devour the bagel. "Give you something really disgusting…Don't blame me if your stitches come out…"

"Not stitches," Bobby mumbled. "Staples…"

Dr. Phillips knocked and entered the room; he stared at Bobby, who'd just chomped on his bagel. Bobby looked up guiltily and pointed at Alex.

"She brought it!" he said through a mouthful of bagel, cream cheese and peanut butter. Alex spluttered the coffee she'd just drank.

Phillips laughed. "Well, it's not what I might have picked, but at least you're eating something."

The doctor examined Bobby, expressed his happiness with Bobby's condition, and started to leave the room. He turned at the door.

"Now that we know what you like," Phillip said. "Maybe we can get you to eat…"

"I like him," Alex said after the doctor left. She glanced at Bobby. "He saw though you pretty quickly."

Bobby grinned at her. "Ah, but I wasn't trying that hard…"

They sat quietly for the rest of the morning, reading the papers and magazines. When lunch arrived, Bobby managed a few bites.

"You could," he said as he poked at a grey mass purporting to be Swiss Steak. "Sneak me some more real food…"

Alex smiled at him. "When I get some lunch, I'll see what I can grab."

There was a gentle knock at the door, and a nurse stuck her head in. "Mr. Goren," she said. "You have some special visitors, if you feel up to it…"

Bobby looked quizzically at Alex.

"I don't know anything about this," she said. "I'm as curious as you."

"Uh…yea…I'm fine," Bobby said.

The nurse smiled and pushed open the door. "Ok," she said to the unseen visitors. "Mr. Goren says you can come in…but only for a few minutes…"

A dark haired and eyed boy and girl shyly entered the room, followed closely by Anthony Corelli.

"Now, remember," the nurse said. "Only a few minutes…I really shouldn't be letting you do this…"

"Detective Eames," Mr. Corelli said tentatively. "If we're intruding…if Mr. Goren isn't up to having visitors…"

"No…I'm pretty sure he's fine." Alex turned to a puzzled Bobby. "This is Anthony Corelli, Angela's husband, and their children…"

Unable to contain his excitement, the little boy rushed up to the bed and looked at Bobby with bright, shining eyes. "Are you," he asked breathlessly. "The policemen who saved Mommy?"

Bobby looked as if he wanted to dive under the covers. "Uh…well…there was another policeman…Detective Stabler…"

Alex smiled. Bobby often employed shyness as a way to disarm witnesses and suspects, but, like many of his tools, it was an exaggeration of an existing characteristic. When he was flustered or embarrassed—as he was now—he found it difficult to speak, and the condition became particularly evident when someone praised him. "It's as if," she thought. "He doesn't know how to accept it…As if he didn't get much of it when he was a kid."

"We talked with Detective Stabler," the little boy said. "He said you saved him and Mommy."

The little girl shyly followed her brother. Like many children, she appeared to instinctively trust Bobby. She stared at the bandages and bruises that covered him.

"Hurt?" she asked pointing at one of the bandages.

Bobby smiled gently at her. "A little," he admitted. "But the doctors and nurses are helping me a lot. I feel a lot better than when I first came."

Mr. Corelli and Alex, not wishing to intrude on the children and Bobby, stood back near the door. "He's a good man," Corelli said softly.

"Yes," Alex nodded. "A very good man."

Bobby talked with the Corelli children for several minutes. He told them how brave their mother was, how much she loved them, how she stayed alive for them. The little girl scrambled up on the bed; Corelli stepped forward to stop her, but Alex restrained him with a touch on his arm.

"It's ok," she assured him. "I think they're very good for him."

When the nurse returned Bobby was delighting the children by making coins appear from behind their ears.

"I'm sorry," she said. "But I'm afraid it's time…"

The children reluctantly pulled away from Bobby. The little girl carefully hugged him, Alex's vision blurred. She thought she saw Bobby's eyes glisten as well.

"Thank you," Corelli said as he collected the children. "Thank you for saving her…for saving our lives."

Bobby stared at the blankets. "It's…it's just my job…It's what I do," he said weakly.

After the Corellis left, Alex studied Bobby. "You look worn out," she said softly.

"Yea," Bobby yawned. "They…It's a nice family…I just wish…They didn't think I was some kind of hero…"

"Bobby," Alex said. "You are a hero…You and Elliott didn't have to go in that house…"

"Oh, yes, we did," Bobby said firmly.

Bobby fell into a deep sleep. Alex felt the need to escape the hospital for a few minutes and headed to the diner across the parking lot. The restaurant had become an unofficial gathering place for everyone involved in the investigation. Alex was officially part of that investigation, although for the past few days her assignment appeared to be watching over Bobby. Stabler had officially returned to duty, although Benson confessed to Alex he was still shaky. Cragen, Ross, Munch and Fin all made frequent appearances, and George Huang's duties were split between Angela Corelli and anticipating Gregory Claret's movements.

As Alex entered the diner, she saw Olivia engaged in an animated conversation with several state cops. Olivia saw Alex and hurried to her.

"Alex." Her voice was tense and triumphant. "Bobby was right…Claret…"

Alex's heart pounded.

"The state police caught him a few minutes ago in the parking garage…We got him…"

End Chapter 13


	14. Chapter 14

A short chapter, necessary for setup. As always, thanks for the reviews.

Chapter 14

Alex Eames loved being a cop. She loved, for all of its faults, being part of the Blue Tribe. She loved putting on her dress uniform—except, of course, for the funerals—and kept it in immaculate condition. Her late husband Joe suggested that they might want to get married in their uniforms, and Alex seriously considered the idea for several minutes before she realized he was teasing her. Bobby once commented that Alex would probably bleed blue if she got cut, although he didn't particularly want to test the theory.

There were, of course, things she hated about the job—the "Buddy Boy" network that protected bad or worse cops; the bureaucrats and Brass who seemed determined to keep her from doing the job; the violence and its victims that haunted her; and the torturously slow wheels of law that frequently didn't provide any sort of justice.

It appeared that those wheels were going to be particularly slow when it came to Gregory Enders Claret. Alex had seen the type before. Outwardly he was charming and handsome, with dark, wavy hair, a perfect smile, tall and a muscular build. She could see how in the shadows he might be mistaken for Bobby Goren. But Bobby's eyes were dark and warm, full of feeling; Gregory Claret's eyes were a pale blue green and cold and calculating. Every word Claret uttered was polished, rehearsed, and insincere. His family's money got him an excellent attorney, and Claret offered plausible explanations for everything. His presence at the hospital parking garage—well, he was an employee of the state police. Angela Corelli's identification of him—well, she was obviously a very traumatized woman making a mistake; a cousin could give him an alibi for the time in which she was taken and tortured. The presence of DNA from the other victims, the torture room, and the bomb at his farm—well, it was his family's although he hadn't been at the farmhouse for some time; someone must have broken in.

Alex, standing between Stabler and Benson, glared through the interrogation room window at Claret and his lawyer. Inside the room, Munch and Fin were growing increasingly frustrated with Claret's smooth evasions. Claret appeared to be enjoying their frustrations. He leaned forward at one point and, in a voice dripping with superiority and disdain, said that he'd heard there was at least one other suspect, one very close to, perhaps even part of, the NYPD. Stabler winced at Claret's words.

"Damn," he said, shaking his head. "If Claret knows, how many other people do…I swear, Eames…I didn't tell anyone…"

"I believe you, Stabler," Alex said sadly. "But gossip gets out so fast…and there are a lot of people willing to believe the worst about Bobby…"

George Huang stepped up behind the detectives. He'd also observed Claret's interrogation. "Don't worry, Elliott," he said quietly. "Claret knows nothing about Goren being a potential suspect…He knows something about the profile Goren and I developed…and he's smart enough to make the jump that a suspect could be part of the investigating team…He's trying to divert attention away from him by playing a long shot…"

"We've got him, haven't we?" Alex asked desperately. "These things he and his lawyer have brought up…They're not going to make a difference…"

"I think we can hold him," Benson said. "I don't think he's going to get bail…But he's got a good lawyer…They can keep this case going for a long time…"

Huang frowned. "That worries me…Angela Corelli is remarkably tough and strong…and Elliott and Goren handled her so well…but she was horribly tortured and hurt…This is going to hurt no matter what happens, and a long, drawn out process is going to make it worse…"

"And there's her husband and kids." Benson shook her head.

"What we need," Stabler sighed as he looked at Claret through the one way window. "Is Goren…a healthy Goren…taking on this guy…"

Alex spun to face her colleagues. "No," she said. "Not now…" Her voice betrayed her fear. "You can't think…It's not just his physical health…Right now…His Mom…and everything about this case…It hit so close to him…"

"We know," Huang said softly. "But Goren may be the one person who could get Claret to confess…and save Angela Corelli a great deal of pain."

End Chapter 14


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Bobby spent an additional week in the hospital. He visited and was visited by Angela Corelli and her family, read, and flirted occasionally with the nurses, but he was increasingly frustrated by his inactivity. He was blissfully unaware about the debate over his potential role in the Claret investigation, and Alex was determined that he remain in that state as long as possible. The DA's office wanted him to interrogate Claret as soon as Bobby was cleared for duty; Cragen and Ross and several of the other detectives danced warily in the middle of the debate, recognizing that Bobby might be the one chance to break Claret but also aware of the possible cost to Bobby; Alex—and to her surprise, Elliott Stabler—protested furiously against any suggestion that Bobby deal in any way with Claret.

"He's not in any kind of shape to interrogate anyone," Stabler argued doing one conference. "And he won't be for some time."

Alex discovered with a shock that she and Stabler were on one side of the meeting room confronting the others.

"This case cut really close to him," Alex said. "The last thing we should be doing is exposing him to this creep…"

"Eames," Ross said firmly but not unsympathetically. "I have every sympathy for Goren's situation…but we also need to consider Angela Corelli…and the other victims and their families…and the case…"

"I know what Detective Goren has given to this case," Cragen said. "I know what we owe him…But we need to get this guy…"

"I think," Olivia said softly. "Goren would want to help the victims…"

"Of course he does," Alex snapped. "That's the problem…He cares so much about them he won't think about himself…Right now Bobby isn't the best judge of what's best for him."

George Huang spoke quietly. "Detective Eames, is it possible that you're not the best judge for Detective Goren either?"

Stabler and Alex both glared at the psychiatrist, who didn't back down.

"I understand your concerns about Detective Goren," Huang said. Alex wished he wasn't so calm, so reasonable. "I agree that this case has been very difficult for him, but through all of it he's been exceptional…"

"I think," Ross said. "We have to consider Goren as a strong option…but only if he feels he can do it…"

"Feels he can do it?" Alex steamed. "You know he'll do it, no matter what he feels like…His sense of duty ensures that…Let alone how he feels about the victims…"

Ross accepted that he'd have to play the villain in this story. "Eames…"

"No!" Alex shook her head. "All of his career…All of his life…People have used him…" All of Alex's frustrations and anger about the misunderstanding and mistreatment of Bobby exploded. "He's lying in a hospital bed…and you're still using him…"

"Alex," Olivia said sensibly. "No one wants to use him…No one wants to hurt him…But we all have the job to do…You know that…Bobby knows that…It's what we do…"

Alex gnawed her lip; a furious Stabler stood next to her. Neither could offer a good argument to Olivia's words.

"People," Don Cragen said in his usual reasonable manner that alternately comforted and annoyed Alex. "We're not near the point where we need to consider using Goren's skills. We can hope that Claret and his lawyer will see the light and accept a plea…"

"Cap," Stabler said wearily. "I hope you're right…but I'm not holding my breath."

Alex was still fuming when she visited Bobby in the hospital, and she struggled to hide her anger from him. It helped that he was in a remarkably cheerful mood.

"Dr. Phillips was here," he told her as he attacked the bagel she brought him. "He told me I should be able to leave the hospital tomorrow or the day after…That is…" Bobby's mood darkened. "If…if someone…could…give me a hand…"

Alex was torn; the news that Bobby could leave the hospital was wonderful, but it also meant that he would be available to interrogate Claret.

"Alex…" Bobby's soft, puzzled voice broke in on her thoughts. "Is…what…" His thoughts raced. "She doesn't want to…Of course not…She's busy…She has her own life…She shouldn't have to take care of…"

Alex looked at Bobby. "Oh, no," she thought. "He thinks I don't want to help him…and he just reached out to me…"

She touched his arm. "It's ok," she said softly. "It's great that you can leave the hospital…and I'll take care of you…especially if you can help me with my bad nights…"

Bobby looked at her uncertainly.

"It's just," Alex said, trying to keep her voice calm and even. "I'm worried about you…That maybe you're not quite ready…That you're pushing things…"

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck.

"I'm afraid," Alex said. "That you won't pay attention to the doctors…or me…"

Bobby studied her for a moment. "I might…" he finally said. "Not pay attention to the doctors…but I'll always pay attention to you."

"Even if you don't do what I tell you," Alex smiled. "Don't worry, Bobby…I want to take care of you."

Dr. Phillips released Bobby the next day, but only after Alex agreed to take care of him. She insisted that he spend the first few days of his recovery at her home. Ross raised a few objections, but Alex quietly and steadily explained that Bobby had no where else to go.

"It's either this or he stays in the hospital," she told the captain. "And I don't think any of us want him to stay there any longer than he has to…"

"All right," Ross said in defeat. "But I know nothing about it…"

Stabler and Benson volunteered to help Alex get Bobby home from the hospital.

"You know, Stabler," Bobby said as he eased into the SUV. "Not that I'm not grateful, but you can stop apologizing…"

"It's not that," Benson grinned from the front seat. "Elliott thinks he's responsible for you since you saved his life…and he takes his responsibilities very seriously."

Bobby blushed slightly. "I keep telling everyone…I was just trying to get him out of the way…"

Stabler eased the vehicle out of the parking garage. "Yea…keep saying that, Goren, and someone might believe you…I won't…"

Alex smiled at Bobby. "Well, Stabler will have to get in line…I'm first in the line of responsibility for this guy."

Bobby looked at Alex, and she swam in the gratitude in his dark eyes.

He was good for the early part of the trip. When they stopped for lunch, Bobby eagerly joined in the conversation, although Alex noted he barely touched his food. He wanted to discuss the Claret case, but Alex and the SVU detectives tried to steer him away from it. Bobby grew quietly but increasingly frustrated.

"C'mon, guys," he finally said. "What's going on? Have I been dropped from the case? Is Claret talking at all?"

Alex stared at her plate; Olivia and Stabler shared an uneasy look.

"Bobby," Alex said. "You've just got out of the hospital…You need to take it easy."

"My brain is working just fine," Bobby said. His tone was calm, but Alex could hear the tension in it. Bobby studied the other detectives. "Claret isn't admitting anything…He's enjoying the interviews…playing with us…"

"Yea," Olivia sighed.

"He wants a trial," Bobby continued. "He's playing a game…He'll want to shame his family…Let people know what his mother did…"

"Bobby," Alex warned.

He was in that near trance like state when his mind was fully engaged in the solution of a case or the examination of a troubled mind. Bobby scarcely heard Alex.

"Angela Corelli…as strong as she is…A trial would be horrible for her…her family…the kids…" Bobby emerged from the trance. "We have to get Claret to confess…We have to," he said fiercely.

"We're working on it," Stabler said, aware of how feeble his words sounded. "We're tying to convince him we've got an airtight case…"

"But it isn't," Bobby said darkly. "You and I never saw him…Our only witness…if she can't…"

"We have DNA and other evidence that the other victims were in that basement," Olivia argued.

"But Claret will argue that he knew nothing about the killings…That someone else was there," Bobby responded. "It might be enough to create reasonable doubt…"

"Dammit, Goren." Stabler gave voice to all of their frustrations. "Whose side…" He shook his head. "I'm sorry…It's just…just…"

Bobby waved a hand. "No apology needed. It frustrates me, too. I just don't want Claret to have any chance to get away…He's got enough money and influence to disappear and start doing this somewhere else."

"We're all looking for more evidence," Alex said. "And Huang is studying options on how to reach him…We've got him." Her voice sounded as if she attempted to convince herself as much as the other detectives.

Bobby stirred his spoon in his coffee. "I'd like to talk to Huang about…"

"No!" Alex declared a little too quickly and loudly.

Stabler and Olivia shared another uneasy look; Bobby studied Alex.

"Bobby, you're not in any shape to be dealing with this…" Alex tried to control her voice.

"Eames," Bobby said patiently. "I just want to talk to Huang…not go out and dig for evidence in the snow." He yawned. "Besides," he said wearily. "You're right…I'm in no shape for heavy work."

Bobby fell asleep soon after they continued the drive. Alex closely watched him.

"Crisis averted," Olivia said.

Stabler glanced at her. "Alex is right," he said. "Goren is in no shape to interview anyone, especially Gregory Claret."

Bobby stirred slightly.

"Keep it low, guys," Alex said softly.

Olivia turned to face her. "You know he'll find out you're trying to protect him…He probably knows already."

"I can live with that," Alex said.

They were reluctant to wake Bobby when they arrived at Alex's house. "But we can't carry him," Stabler said.

Bobby winced as he stepped from the SUV. Stabler caught his arm.

"You sure you're ok?" Olivia asked.

"Uh…yea…I think I'm due for my meds," Bobby said.

Stabler and Olivia stayed until Bobby was settled on Alex's couch. They refused her offer of coffee.

"We're already swimming in it," Olivia said. "And we need to get back to work…Munch is already complaining…"

"You call if you need anything…anything," Stabler said.

"Just keep me in the loop," Bobby said. He couldn't keep the exhaustion from his voice.

"Ok," Stabler said. Alex frowned.

"You need anything?" Alex asked as Stabler and Benson left.

Bobby hesitated. "I…I'd like to call my Mom."

"Of course," Alex said. "You can call from the guest room."

"Ok." Bobby struggled to his feet.

"You ok?" Alex started to go to him.

"I'm fine," he snapped. "I'm sorry," he said after a moment. "Look, Alex…you…you can't hover over me…We'll drive each other crazy."

She took a deep breath. "Ok…no hovering."

"Thank you. And I'll pay attention and do what you say." He smiled wanly and walked slowly to the guest room.

Alex spent the next few minutes in the kitchen. She decided that some soup would make a good supper. The soup was starting to simmer when she heard it. At first she thought it might be a wounded cat or dog; then she realized the sound came from the guest room.

She knocked on the door. "Bobby," she called. "Are you all right?"

The only response was a choked cry. Torn between worry and fear of invading Bobby's privacy, Alex hesitated. The sound of a sob made up her mind, and she pushed open the door.

Bobby was curled in a fetal position on the bed, his cell phone abandoned beside him. His face was buried in a pillow in a feeble attempt to muffle his cries. His body shook with sobs.

"Bobby," Alex said softly as she sat on the bed next to him.

He was unaware of her at first; when he realized she was next to him he weakly tried to pull away. But she reached for him and gently pulled him back to her. He couldn't fight her and let her turn his body so that he faced her. She wrapped her arms around him, and he buried his face in her shoulder.

"I…I'm sorry," he choked out. "I…I…oh…Alex…Alex…please…"

"It's all right, Bobby," she whispered. "I'm here…I'll help you…I'm here…"

She said the words over and over again and rubbed his back until the sobs and trembling eased and stopped. He fell not so much into sleep as an exhausted unconsciousness.

She placed his cell phone on the small table next to the bed and carefully removed his shoes. She tenderly placed a blanket over him and slipped a pillow beneath his head.

"I will protect you," she vowed as she looked down at him. "I will protect you from them and from yourself."

End Chapter 15


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Bobby slept fitfully for a short time. Alex checked on him occasionally; his restlessness suggested his sleep was not a comfortable one. He eventually woke with a start, his eyes wide and confused.

"It's ok," Alex said softly. "You're at my house…in the guest room."

"Yea…yea…" Bobby mumbled. He sat up slowly and rubbed his red, swollen eyes. "I…I'm sorry…" he whispered. "My…my Mom…" He stared down at the bed.

Alex watched as Bobby blocked the way to the corners of his mind. "Not a problem," she said as she decided not to press against those blocks. "But it's time for you to take some of your meds…and you can't do it on an empty stomach…"

Bobby followed her unsteadily to the kitchen. He was quiet throughout the supper he tried to eat. He spent much of the meal turning his spoon in the soup.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. "I'm not very hungry…"

Alex picked up the dishes. "It's ok, Bobby…You've had a long day…"

"I'll help with the dishes…" He started to rise, but winced.

"No, you won't," Alex said firmly. "Besides, I'm just going to rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. You go sit down, and I'll bring you some hot chocolate…"

He shuffled to the living room. He avoided the couch, afraid that if he sat there he'd be asleep in minutes. He chose the least comfortable of the chairs and sat heavily in it.

"I won't," he thought. "I can't let her know…how bad my Mom is…How much it hurts…How afraid I am…That I could have been just like Claret…That he terrifies me…" He leaned back in the chair and laid his arm across his eyes. He shivered.

Alex entered the room just in time to catch Bobby's shiver. "Hey," she said gently. "Maybe this will warm you up…" She handed him a mug and settled on the couch.

"He's hiding," she thought. "He doesn't want me to know what happened to his Mom…How much pain he's in…And he's thinking about Claret…"

They sat for several minutes in an uneasy silence, both pretending to concentrate on their chocolate. Bobby ran his thumb over the edge of his mug; Alex thought she could hear his racing thoughts.

"Alex," he finally said. "They want me to interview Claret, don't they?"

The bluntness of the question stunned Alex; for a moment she couldn't speak.

"And," Bobby continued. "You don't think I should…or could…" His eyes burned.

She recovered slightly. "Bobby…you can hardly walk…"

"They don't want me to do it right away," he said.

Alex sat up. "Bobby," she said, finding it increasingly difficult to control her anger and frustration. "Even if you were physically up to it…This case…It's hit you hard…"

He stood up quickly and jerked in pain. Alex started to get to her feet, but the look in Bobby's eyes stopped her.

"Don't," he said, his voice all the more heartbreaking for its low, flat tone. "Don't…Not now…" He wavered on his feet; Alex couldn't tell if pain or anger threw him off balance. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I…I don't mean to hurt you…I…" He stared at the floor. "I just need a little time…" He glanced up at her. "Could I…I take a shower?"

Alex stared at him. "Uh…sure…"

He turned and started to walk out of the room. "Alex," he said as he reached the door. "I…I don't mean to shut you out…I just need a…a little time alone…" He smiled weakly. "And I've been looking forward to a shower since they told me I could leave the hospital."

Alex's confusion eased in the face of his growing calm. "Ok…After you're done I'll help get your bandages on…and you can take your meds…"

He nodded.

Bobby stood in the shower for a long time, trying to let the hot water slough away his pain and fears. He titled his head back; the hot water sent tiny, wonderful, sharp needles over his scalp and face. He turned and winced as the water hit the cuts and bruises on his body.

"I was lucky," he thought. "So lucky…I could have never seen her again…All of these things that have happened…We could have never seen each other again…" He rested his head against the tiles. "I'm not sure I can live without Alex…I know I don't want to…Everything is better with her…Everything…Oh, God…Forgive me…I love her…Alex…Alex…She's all…Alex and work…It's all I have…But she doesn't want me to do the job…Is it because she doesn't trust me? Or is she trying to protect me?" He shook his head. "No…she couldn't…couldn't love me…Especially now…After everything…And this case…I have to have her support…but…but…If I have to choose between her and the job…"

The water became cooler; Bobby shut it off and stepped cautiously out of the shower. He dried off, carefully guiding the towel over the cuts and bruises. He slipped on his boxers, wiped the steam from the mirror, and examined himself. His skin was an unhappy rainbow of grey and purple and green and red.

"Hey," Alex called through the door. "You ok in there?"

"Yea," Bobby replied.

"I'm ready to perform my nursing duties," she answered in what she hoped was a light and confident voice. "Just come out when you're ready."

Bobby hesitated at the bathroom door; embarrassment flooded over him. In the past few months he and Alex had hugged each other, held each other, slept in the same bed. But every time Bobby wore at least a T-shirt and boxers, Alex a T-shirt and pajama bottoms. One item of clothing shouldn't have been such a large factor, but Bobby felt strangely exposed and vulnerable.

Alex, equally surprised by her uneasiness, waited for Bobby in the guest room. Her supplies—bandages, ointment, scissors, tape—rested on a table near the bed. "I hope," she thought as she surveyed the materials. "I remember everything they told me." She glanced for the one hundredth time at the instructions on how to treat Bobby's injuries. Alex realized with a shock that in the six years that she'd known Bobby, she'd never seen him without a shirt, even during their close contact of recent months. Even when they held and comforted each other in the same bed, there were lines they wouldn't or couldn't cross. He occasionally brushed his lips across her hair; she occasionally brushed hers against his forehead. But they had never really kissed, never allowed their touches and hugs to go beyond comfort and consolation.

Alex glanced at the bathroom door. "He's taking a long time," she thought. "I wonder if he feels as awkward as I do."

He emerged shyly from the bathroom, clutching his T-shirt in front of him like a shield. His eyes looked everywhere but at Alex.

"Well," she thought. "That answers that question…He's as embarrassed as I am…Maybe more…"

"Here," she said. "Just sit on the bed, and I'll fix you up."

He sat carefully. "Ok," he thought. "Just treat this as an everyday thing…She's just patching me up…Putting on some bandages…This is not a big deal…"

"Bobby…Bobby…you ok?" Alex's voice broke in on his thoughts.

"Uh…sorry…what?" Bobby blinked. "So much for no big deal," he thought.

"The shower help?" Alex asked as she squeezed ointment from the tube.

"Yea…a lot…But I'm afraid I used all of your hot water." He breathed easier. "Ok," he thought. "I can do this…It's not so bad…"

And then she touched him. Bobby struggled not to cry out as her fingers sent wonderful, agonizing flashes of pleasure and pain through his body.

"Bobby? Am I hurting you?"

"It's ok." He collected his thoughts. "Just…It's just a little tender…"

The next minutes gave Bobby great pleasure and pain, and only some of the pain came from his injuries. He was almost grateful for his body's cuts and bruises; they at least provided excuses for his responses to Alex's touch.

Alex felt Bobby stiffen when she touched him and heard his occasional gasps. She gently treated and bandaged his wounds and was glad to see he was healing. The cuts showed no signs of infection, and some of the bruises were fading. She struggled to ignore the fine, soft hair on his chest, his strong, broad shoulders. Bobby certainly didn't possess a perfect body, but even its imperfections entranced her. She cautiously taped his ribs.

"There," Alex said as she tried to keep her voice calm. "Finished…"

Bobby hurriedly pulled his T-shirt over his head. His sore muscles protested the speed of the move.

"Here," Alex said and helped him ease the shirt over his body. "I'm sorry if I hurt you…I'm afraid I'm an amateur at this…"

Bobby eased his legs beneath the covers. "I'd never guessed…You did a great job…"

She smiled at him, and his heart staggered. Both the meds and exhaustion fogged the edges of his mind. He fought against them. "I have to talk to her," he thought.

"Alex," he said as she pulled the blankets over him.

"Yea…"

"I can't tell you how grateful I am…How much you've done for me…What you're doing for me…What it means to me…" He desperately wished that she wasn't so kind, so beautiful.

"I've told you." She placed another pillow under his head. "It's all right…I'm glad to do it."

"And the way you've backed me up…protected me…during this case…"

The flannel sheets were warm and smelled of Alex's detergent; Bobby struggled to keep his concentration. Alex tenderly touched his shoulder; Bobby pulled away and turned on his side. Alex, stunned and hurt, stared at him.

"Please, Alex…" The pillows and blankets muffled his voice. "I have to say this…And I can't look at you while I say it…But…But…" He swallowed. "You love the job, right?"

Alex sat on the edge of the bed. "Yea," she said tentatively.

"I do too…It's…For better or worse…It's what I am…It's my life…I know that…I'm not sure if I decided that or if it was decided for me…" Bobby struggled against the exhaustion that threatened to take him. "Alex…I know the job means a lot to you…but I know it frustrates you…And I know you have a life…"

"It's a lot like you," Alex said. "I'm not sure if I made the decision…but…It's most of my life." Alex stared through the door Bobby had flung open; she realized she was afraid of walking through it.

Bobby turned on his back, his arm covered his eyes. "Alex…I…I care about you…You're my partner…my best friend…but…but…I can't keep from doing my job…any more than I can keep you from doing your job…any more than you can keep me from doing my job…"

His words hung in the air. Alex sat, her hands lying useless in her lap.

"I…didn't mean…I never meant to keep you from doing the job." She stared at her hands. "And I never meant to suggest you couldn't or can't do the job…It's just…you've been through so much…You're going through so much…But I've never doubted your abilities…I've never doubted you…"

Bobby trembled. "I…I've never doubted you…Ever…You're the strong one…the tough one…I…I was afraid…I'm not always crazy about you feeling you have to protect me…But I'm always grateful for it…But I…This case…ever since Jo…" He choked, and Alex gently touched his head. "I've been so scared," Bobby said. "So scared that you didn't trust me…"

Alex pulled back the covers and slid next to him. She followed Bobby down the path he had started on. "Some times…when you told me to back off…but even then…I trusted you to do the job…to take care of me…But…but…I'm never sure if you're taking care of yourself." She pulled the covers over them. She lay on her side and faced him.

His left hand found her cheek. "Ok," he said with a deep breath. "Here's the deal…We take care of each other…We let each other do the job…No matter how hard it is…Ok?"

Her hand found his. "Ok," she said.

End Chapter 16


	17. Chapter 17

I won't be able to update until Tuesday, so here's an extra chapter.

Chapter 17

He woke with a start; for a moment, he couldn't remember where he was. He felt a soft touch on his cheek and, in the pale moonlight coming from the window, saw Alex's face inches from his own. He cautiously touched her hand resting on his face.

"Alex." He breathed her name. She stirred slightly and smiled. Bobby moved carefully and sat up. He stared down at Alex, scarcely able to believe that she was there. She was so beautiful that he could barely look at her; his heart broke and healed with every one of her breaths. He desperately wanted to take her in his arms, to kiss and hold her, to make love to her.

"Wrong," he thought. "So wrong…for me…to even think…even if she wasn't my partner…She's Alex…She could have any one…Not me…That anyone would love me…but especially her…"

He moved slowly to avoid waking Alex and pain. He found the bathroom, and as he splashed water over his face he wondered why the pain seemed so faint and far away. "The drugs must be working really well," he thought. He stared at his hands. Bright, red, thick liquid poured over them. A garbled cry from the guest room ended his study of his hands. A terrible sick feeling in his stomach, he stumbled to the room and flung open its door. Splashes of crimson covered the walls, floor and ceiling. On the bed, a blood splattered Gregory Claret knelt over Alex. He raised a gleaming knife and turned to smile at Bobby.

"Hello, Detective," Claret purred. "Here to save your partner? A little late, aren't you?"

"No!" Bobby screamed and tried to rush forward, but he couldn't move. Something clung to him, forcing him back. "Let me go! Let me go!" he yelled and struggled to get free.

"No…No, Bobby…Stay with me…I need you…" Bobby's mother clutched his arm.

"Bobby…help me…Bobby…" Alex cried as Claret drove down the knife.

"No! No!" Bobby screamed again.

"Bobby…Bobby…It's a nightmare…You're all right…I'm here…" Alex's soft, soothing voice broke through the dream. He felt her hand on his head; it sent waves of warmth through him.

"Alex…Mom…Alex," he mumbled. He tried to sit up, but his body protested.

"It's ok, Bobby…It's safe…It's a bad dream…It's not real." Alex's voice led him back to reality. "Take it easy…"

She helped him sit up. "What can I do for you? How can I help you?" She laid a hand on his arm.

"What…what you're doing…is…is helping a lot." He tried to take a deep breath and was rewarded with a jolt of pain.

Alex checked the clock. "You can take some more pain medication," she said. "I'll get you the pills and some water."

Bobby watched her leave the room. "God forgive me," he thought. "I love her so much." He leaned against the pillows; the pain in his head and ribs was steadily increasing. Bobby closed his eyes. "I have to face Claret…I have to deal with him," he thought. "Not only for the case…Not only for Angela Corelli…but for me…to get him out of my head…to know why I'm not him…"

"Here's your pills and water," Alex said gently.

He opened his eyes to find her standing by the bed, her hair shining in the pale light. "She won't understand," he thought. "She'll leave me…"

"Bobby…what is it? What's wrong?" Alex sat the water and pills on the table.

"Just…just a really bad dream," Bobby stuttered.

Alex's heart broke as she watched Bobby shut several doors in front of her. "Do…do you want to talk about it?" She sat on the bed.

Bobby reached for the pills and water. He swallowed both, moving deliberately and slowly.

"It…It was…" he struggled. "How," he thought. "How can I tell her…that I was too weak to save her…"

"You can tell me," Alex said gently. "Anything you want…As much or as little as you want…The same deal we've had since…since…" She swallowed. "Since what happened to me…"

Bobby remembered that one of Alex's worst nightmares was one where she couldn't save him.

"Claret," he blurted. "Claret had you…" The words ran in a flood from him. "He had you…and I was trying to get to you…But…I…I couldn't…My Mom…She clung to me…held me back…I couldn't reach you…and…and you…you were screaming for me…to help you…And I couldn't…Alex…I couldn't help you…" Tears slipped from his eyes and Bobby shuddered.

Alex took a deep breath. "Sounds like our nightmares lately have had a shared theme…But I think you've had more experience with them than me."

"Yea," Bobby said sadly. "I've always had plenty of material for them."

Alex put her arms around him. "I guessed that."

Bobby rested in her arms. "I've never felt this safe," he thought. "And I can't stay here…Not if I want to do my job…If I want to be me…" The pain medication blurred his mind.

"I hate the way the painkillers make me so sleepy," he murmured against Alex's shoulder. "It's so hard to think…"

"It's ok…just go to sleep…I'll be here…" Alex pulled the covers over him.

He was too tired and confused to fight her even if he had wanted to. "Sorry I'm so much trouble," he mumbled as he eased back on the pillows. "Thank you." He was asleep before she could tell him there nothing to be sorry for.

They both slept well—at least well for them in recent months—for the rest of the night. In the morning, Alex hesitated to go to work, but Bobby gently encouraged her to go.

"I'll be fine…I've got plenty to read…You've spent a lot of time taking care of me…You need to go to work…" he said.

"You'll take your meds?" Alex said. "Promise me you won't do anything stupid?"

"Promise," Bobby said. "Cross my heart."

"And you'll call me if you need me…no matter what," Alex pressed.

Bobby nodded. "If I get so much as a tiny headache," he answered.

"All right." She finally gave in. "Just know that I'm going to call to check up on you."

"Deal," Bobby said. "Actually, it's nice to have someone check up on me."

Alex smiled at him, and its warmth filled Bobby. After he watched her drive away, he walked to the guest room. He found his binder and cell phone and returned to the kitchen. He placed the binder and phone on the table and poured a cup of coffee. He sat at the table, took a deep breath, and dialed one of his mother's doctors.

She was resting well, the doctor reported. She'd slept well after talking to Bobby the previous night. Bobby smiled bitterly as he listened to the doctor. "Of course she slept well," he thought. "After using all that energy to scream at me." The doctor promised to call if there were any problems. Bobby shut off the phone; for several minutes he sat with his head in his hands. He sighed, opened his binder, and found George Huang's number.

"Alex will be furious," he thought. "But I have to…I have to…" He took a long drink of coffee and dialed Huang's number.

End Chapter 17


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

The investigation stalled in the next days. Claret encountered a strong willed judge who had hauled herself up the ladder by her own bootstraps and was ill inclined to listen to his lawyer's claims of harassment and pleas that his client had close times to the community. She remanded Claret to the not so warm arms of Riker's, where he spent much of his time in protective custody while his lawyer unleashed a blizzard of motions and appeals. Angela Corelli took her first tentative steps towards recovery with her release from the hospital. George Huang remained one of her doctors, and he reported to the detectives that she was doing far better than anyone expected, but she still suffered terrible nightmares and couldn't bear to ride in a car at night. Bobby, quietly obeying the doctors and Alex, got better each day.

The fourth day of his stay Alex arrived home and opened the door to discover a wonderful smell wafting from the kitchen. She stepped into it to discover Bobby ladling sauce over pasta.

"Hey," she said. "You're supposed to be resting…"

He looked up guiltily. "I…I was going a little stir-crazy," he confessed. "I needed to do something…And I wanted to do something for you…"

It was impossible for her to be angry with him. She smiled at him and pulled out a bottle of wine. The good food and a second glass of wine relaxed Alex to the point that she told Bobby something of her day.

"I'm sorry you're stuck with paperwork and reviewing statements," he said.

"It's ok," she said.

"I never thought I'd want to do paperwork," Bobby said. "But I even miss that…"

Alex sipped the wine. "You must really miss work…"

"Yea," Bobby said. "I miss it…I miss it a lot…"

"You see Dr. Phillips tomorrow, right?"

Bobby nodded.

"I'll give you a lift," Alex said and twirled another strand of pasta on her fork. "Although there are a lot of people willing to do that…"

"I hope I'll be able to come back to work…"

Alex frowned.

"Don't worry," Bobby assured her. "I won't push things."

"It's just." The wine had lowered her defenses. "The Claret case…I'm afraid…They…or you…might push you…"

"I'll be careful," Bobby promised.

Later, as Alex drifted into sleep, she realized Bobby hadn't pressed her for any information about the Claret case. She rose from her bed to the guest room and looked down on him; he slept fitfully, tossing and turning.

"Maybe," she thought. "He's finally taking care of himself…"

Bobby murmured in his sleep, and Alex slipped beneath the covers next to him; his restlessness ended when her hand gently touched his back.

Dr. Phillips was pleased with Bobby's progress and cleared him both for driving and limited duty. Alex helped Bobby settle back in his apartment.

"Well," she said as she deposited his duffel bag on his bed. "The Army taught you how to pack…"

Bobby smiled at her.

Alex stared at the floor. "I'm going to miss having you around…You will…still…come by…and…"

"Of course," he said. "That is…if you want me to…And…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "If you would…sometimes…stay here…"

"Of course," Alex replied. She was deeply touched by his shyness. "What are you going to do for the rest of the day?"

He stiffened. "I…I really need to see my Mom and her doctors…"

"I'll drive you," Alex said. She sensed the trip to Carmel Ridge was the last Bobby wanted or needed to take.

"No," Bobby said forcefully and quickly. He saw the dismayed look on Alex's face. "I appreciate it," he said softly. "I really do…Everything you've done…You need to get back to work…and maybe a break from me…"

"Bobby," she said patiently. "It's a two hour drive…I don't think this is what Dr. Phillips had in mind when he told you to take it easy…"

"Alex," Bobby replied with equal patience. "I have to go…You have to go back to work…I'll be careful…I go back to work tomorrow…I won't jeopardize that…"

Alex fumed, but Bobby was right that she needed to get back to work, if only to continue to fight against his involvement in the Claret case.

"I'll be careful, Alex," Bobby continued. "And I'll rest when I get back…I promise you…"

"All right," she reluctantly conceded. "But if you don't call me regularly I'll have every cop in the area looking for you…And I'll be leading the search."

Throughout the afternoon, Bobby wished several times that he'd listened to Alex and not gone to Carmel Ridge. He'd brought his mother several things she needed and wanted, and he appeared in her hospital room laden with packages. His mother scarcely acknowledged the items and ignored his still visible injuries. She wanted his brother: Frank would treat her right; Frank would make the doctors and nurses take care of her. Bobby tried to speak with her, to reason with her, but she was far beyond his words. Dr. Shimo and others tried to help, but his mother regarded them as part of the conspiracy against her. Pain and exhaustion pounded Bobby as he stood by his mother's bed; the nurses watched him with frightened and sympathetic eyes. The doctors finally told Bobby to leave; there was nothing he could do to help, and his presence might even be making his mother's condition worse.

Anyone observing Bobby for some time could have learned to judge how well his visits to his mother went by his driving habits when he left Carmel Ridge. If he drove with his usual care, the visit was a good one. If he sped away recklessly, the visit was bad. Today, he left a small shower of stones as he pulled out of the parking lot, and his tires shrieked as he turned on to Route 15. He drove furiously for several miles until he remembered his promise to Alex. He slowed, eased the car to the side of the road, and sat trembling for several moments. He stared at the road and realized he was only a few miles away from Claremont and the Claret farm.

"The scene's cold…freezing," he thought. "But…maybe…maybe…" He rubbed his eyes. "And I'm so tired…I couldn't find anything even if the scene was fresh…but I have to…if only for Mrs. Czechowski…"

Alex Eames was not a moody person. Her usually even temperament and tolerance were two of her strong points; both were in use throughout the Claret case. The case remained in limbo, and George Huang reported that the waiting was not helping Angela Corelli's recovery. No additional physical evidence appeared to strengthen the murders' link to Claret. Sitting at a borrowed desk in the SVU squad room, Alex stared at several crime scene photos and tried to will them to give her more information. Her head snapped up as a thought jabbed her mind.

"What is it?" Olivia asked.

"Mrs. Czechowski," Alex answered thoughtfully. "Maybe…We keep trying to find something to connect Claret to the other victims…but maybe we should be looking for something to connect him to Mrs. Czechowski…"

Her phone ran; Alex saw Bobby's number displayed. "Oh…" she thought. "I hope his Mom is ok…"

"Eames." Bobby was in professional mode, but his voice was both excited and exhausted. "Don't get mad…I need a CSU at the Claret farm…"

"What?" Alex tried to catch her spinning thoughts. "What!"

"Please…don't get mad." He sounded like a small boy trying to placate his mother. "When I was coming home…I had this thought…And I stopped at the Claret place…"

"Bobby!" Even as she fought not to scream at him, Alex waved at Olivia.

"Eames…please…I know…It was stupid…But I may have found something…a way to connect him with the murders…that he knew…at least Mrs. Czechowski and maybe the others…"

END Chapter 18


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

"How," Elliott Stabler asked in amazement. "Did you know about that lock?"

Embarrassed, Bobby stared at the conference room table. "Uh…Eames and I had a case…Two of the suspects ran an antique furniture and fixtures store…And the locks…I…I just remembered…" He acted as if anyone could've performed the extreme mental gymnastics.

"Damn." Finn shook his head. "We should've just let Goren take a look at the crime scene photos…or wheeled him out there…"

"Quiet, Finn," Munch said. "Somebody will hear you, and we'll all be out of a job."

"Yea," Alex said. There was an edge to her voice. "And if Goren doesn't take care of himself, he might not be able to do the job."

Bobby blinked. "I…I know…I…I'm sorry…but I had to go." He spoke to everyone in the room, but his words were directed at Alex. "But it might have given us something…"

Olivia Benson handed Bobby a cup of coffee. "Well, I'm convinced you and Alex have some sort of psychic link. Alex had us combing the files and photos for some link between Claret and Mrs. Czechowski while you were at the farm."

Bobby glanced at Alex. There was a question in his eyes, and Alex gave him her "No, we're not in trouble, but I'm not going to let you hurt yourself" look. It was a look Alex had practiced and Bobby had seen a lot of in recent days.

"Captains and Huang at twelve o'clock," Finn said.

Bobby moved to speak with Huang. Alex nodded to Cragen and Ross; both Captains acknowledged her but looked quickly away. An uneasy feeling rose in Alex's stomach.

"Something is going on," she thought. "And it's not good."

Bobby appeared at her shoulder. "We…we need to talk," he said softly and hesitantly.

As they walked to another conference room, Alex sensed the eyes of the squad room on them. Ever the gentleman, Bobby opened the door for her and deliberately shut it. Alex strode to the far end of the room and stood with her arms folded. Bobby, one hand fiercely rubbing his neck, stood at the other end.

Alex sighed. "I'm not going to like this, am I?"

"No."

She stepped towards him. "They want you to interview Claret…"

He nodded.

"And you're going to do it." Her voice was flat; her face set.

"Eames." His voice was resigned. "Claret…at best he's playing with everyone…but…because…because of what I know…what I share with him." Pain entered his voice. "He may respond to me…He…he may even want to…"

"And they're just going to dangle you…to use you…And you're going to let them." Now that the thing Alex had feared for so long was in front of her she felt a strange, calm resignation.

"Alex." He surprised with his use of her first name; he didn't use it unless they were clearly in the personal rather than professional world. "I…I…" He began to pace in the small space between the wall and the table. "It's not…It's not just the case…I…I…need to do this…I need…I need to be able to do this…"

Alex gnawed at her lip. "Bobby…You don't have to prove anything to anyone…Everyone on this case…You can do the job…Ross knows it…I know it…"

He ceased pacing and stared at the floor. "But…I…I have to…I have to know…that I can do the job." He opened a window to her. "And…I…I have to know why…why…why…"

Alex stepped closer to him. "Why you're not him," she said softly.

His hand covering his face, Bobby nodded.

"We're not supposed to let the personal into the job," Alex chided him gently.

"I…I know…but…you know I've never been able to do that, Alex…One reason…why I do this…I'm trying to understand…To make sense…So much of my life has been…chaos…I…I'm trying to make…make some order out of chaos."

He lowered his hand and his eyes met Alex's. The world stopped around them; they could hear each other's breaths and heartbeats, sense their nerves and muscles dancing beneath their skins.

"Alex," he breathed. "Like we talked about…We have to let ourselves be ourselves…We have to let each other do the job…You have to let me…I have to let you…Both of us…The job is so much a part of us…Our partnership." He swallowed; Bobby knew he was turning on to a dark and dangerous road. "If we try too hard to protect each other…If we can't do the job…" The words stuck in his throat.

Alex spoke the dreaded words. "Then the partnership…and the friendship…are over."

Bobby closed his eyes in pain and fear. "Yes," he whispered. He was afraid, almost as afraid as in those few, awful hours when he thought he'd lost her. He felt a gentle touch on his chest and opened his eyes. Alex stood inches away from him; one of her hands rested lightly on him.

"As far as I'm concerned," she said firmly. "This partnership…this friendship…are good." She looked at him. "I will protect you…but I won't keep you from the job…"

He breathed again.

"And you'll do the same for me," Alex said quietly. "You'll watch out for me…but let me do the job."

"Yes."

Alex stepped back. "All right…" She sighed. "When do they want you to this?"

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck again. "Soon…They're bringing Claret from Riker's…"

Alex flamed. "Right now! You're barely…"

He touched her arm. "Eames…"

They returned to the professional world.

"Eames…The sooner it's done, the better for everyone…The case…Mrs. Corelli…" He hesitated. "Me."

The flame lessened in Alex. "All right…but I'm going in with you…You're not facing him alone…"

Relief flooded from Bobby. "I…I didn't want to face him alone…And…and I want you there…" He looked at her, and the trust and gratitude in his dark eyes thrilled and terrified her. "If you're with me, I'll be ok…"

Cragen knocked at and opened the door. "Claret's here with his lawyer. You ready?"

Bobby's eyes were on Alex. She answered for both of them.

"Yea…We're ready…"

End Chapter 19


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

"I'll be right back," Bobby assured Alex. "It might be good for Mr. Claret to cool his heels for a while…Have you interviewed him before?"

Alex shook her head. "The SVU guys and Huang have dealt with him…He's seen me…" She frowned. "Made me feel creepy every time he looked at me…"

Bobby quietly digested the information. "Ok…Wait for me."

"Tag team…got it." In spite of her nerves, Alex smiled at him.

If Bobby hoped to annoy Claret, his plan worked. Claret entered the interrogation room with an annoying smirk on his face. Alex watched his lawyer, considerably more nervous than his client, whisper to the big man. Claret gave an easy smile and leaned back comfortably in his chair.

"I'm getting really tired of that look," Olivia said wearily.

"Yea," Alex agreed. "And as worried as I am about all of this, I hope Bobby can wipe it off his face…"

As time went by, Claret grew increasingly restless. When his lawyer spoke to him, Claret snapped at him.

Ross walked up to Alex. "Where's your partner?" the Captain asked. "Claret's going to demand that he be returned to his cell…"

"I'll go look for him," Alex said with a touch of concern.

"And why would you want to do that when I'm right here?"

Alex turned and barely squelched a gasp; she felt Ross start slightly next to her. Bobby had appeared magically behind them. He'd changed from his worn jeans and shirt to one of his best midnight blue suits. He'd shaved; his hair was neatly combed; and he looked terrific.

"Wow," Olivia said.

Bobby smiled. "Exactly the reaction I hoped for," he said genially.

Stabler stared through the one way window. "Goren," he said, not taking his eyes off Claret. "I know you're one of the best in that room…but this guy is a nasty piece of work…Don't give him an opening…

Bobby's face was a mask, but Alex saw the gratitude in his eyes. "Thanks, Stabler," he said softly. He turned to Alex. "Ready?" His hand was on the door handle.

"As I'll ever be," she answered.

He opened the door.

Interrogation was not Alex's favorite part of the job. She enjoyed the trapping and dismantling of those who deserved it; she enjoyed the intricate dances with Bobby in the room. But even she acknowledged some of the perps were as sinned against as sinning, and she hated the shedding of innocent blood in the effort to capture the guilty. When the stakes were high—and they were in the stratosphere right now—the interrogation room felt like a high pressure cooker. Bobby, of course, seemed to thrive in the room. In the early days of their partnership Alex, with her fellow detectives, wondered if Bobby was entirely human. She soon realized that one of the reasons why he was so good in the room was because he was all too human. Interrogation exhilarated him; it also left him raw and bleeding. He frequently opened and exposed his deepest wounds; suspects occasionally found and opened the wounds without knowing about them. And some, notably Nicole Wallace, reveled in finding those wounds and pouring salt in them. Gregory Claret struck Alex as the type who could rival Nicole in his enjoyment of causing Bobby pain.

"And," Alex thought bitterly. "Claret may not have to look for Bobby's weak points…Bobby may just show them to him…"

Torn between admiration for his courage and exasperation at his willingness to sacrifice his health, Alex followed Bobby into the interrogation room. Claret glared at them as they entered, and Alex fought against the horrible uneasiness that rose in her. Claret's eyes rested on Bobby, and recognition flickered in them.

"Sorry," Bobby said apologetically. "We had to find some of your files." He sat across from Claret. "You have a lot of files, Gregory."

Claret frowned; he clearly didn't like the use of his first name. "Where are the others?"

Alex took her usual seat next to Bobby. She was grateful he occupied Claret's attention.

"They've decided," Bobby said casually. "The case really isn't of interest to them…"

Claret snorted. "They've found the person who really did this…"

"Yes." Bobby looked directly at Claret for the briefest moment. "They have."

Claret glared at him. "So, who are you? What did you do that you get this great job of harassing an innocent man?" His voice dripped with disgust.

""I'm one of the detectives who found the bomb at your farm," Bobby replied almost amiably.

"Not my farm," Claret said quickly and smoothly. "My family's…I've not been there for years…" He looked closely at Bobby. "You seem familiar…"

Alex sensed Bobby's brief hesitation. "No," she thought. She wanted to shout it out, to leap between Bobby and Claret, to protect her partner.

Bobby leaned forward. "You may have seen me at Carmel Ridge…" Alex watched as he walked in front of the rushing train. "Your mother once roomed with mine…"

Claret stiffened, and Alex saw a savage glimmer of fear and contempt in his eyes. She didn't dare turn to Bobby.

"Of course," Bobby continued calmly and smoothly. "I don't recall you ever visiting your mother…so maybe you never saw me."

"You don't know anything about my mother," Claret said. For the first time, an edge crept into his voice.

"I know she passed away recently…just before these killings started," Bobby said evenly. "I also know that the locks on the building where the older woman—Mrs. Czechowski—was found and the basement where Angel Corelli was found were very distinctive…very…" Bobby pulled out photos of the locks to display before Claret and his lawyer. "And you ordered those locks…" He pulled out a receipt. "And those locks are definitely the ones you ordered…Not someone else in your family…You…" Bobby shook his head. "Not very smart, Gregory…Not very smart at all."

Claret glared at Bobby; the fear and anger in his eyes were growing. "So, I put new locks on the doors…"

"Which means you have been at the farm…And you have the only keys…" Bobby's words hung in the air.

"No one can put me there…I've got family that will say that I wasn't there when these killings took place.

"Your family…But how much can you depend on them?" Bobby asked softly. "They abandoned you…left you with your mother…"

Claret shifted in his chair. Alex hated that Bobby was leading this attack and the line he was taking with it, but he was the first interviewer to break Claret's mask.

"Detective." Claret's lawyer attempted to justify his hefty fee. "We've been through much of this with the other detectives. As for those locks…"

Bobby scarcely acknowledged the lawyer. "There's the locks…There's also Mrs. Czechowski…"

Claret sneered. "Just another case you're trying to pin on me…I know how this works…Guy's too smart for you so you'll put it on the first guy you can…"

Bobby placed Mrs. Czechowski's photo on the table. "There's your mistake, Gregory," he said.

For a fleeting moment, Alex's fears for Bobby evaporated, and she almost felt sorry for Claret.

Claret stared at the photo.

"You were so afraid that you'd left one detail…one witness behind..." Bobby's voice was cold and controlled. "That you slipped up…"

"I…I've never seen this woman before," Claret recovered. He shrugged his shoulders. "She doesn't look like much…Someone did her a favor by killing her."

Alex felt cold anger at Claret's dismissal of the woman rise in her; she sensed the same flame of anger in Bobby.

"Oh, she's very important…Very much something," Bobby said quietly. "She's the final piece in our puzzle…"

"There's nothing to tie her to me…Nothing." Claret leaned forward in his chair. His lawyer made frantic and feeble motions to quiet him, but Claret ignored him. "You've searched everywhere and haven't found anything…"

"Yes…your car…the farm…the outer building…the wells…" Bobby ominously dropped the words.

Claret started. With a satisfaction she wasn't entirely proud of, Alex saw genuine fear in his eyes.

"And in one of those wells," Bobby continued. "A knife…a knife that many people saw you with…You showed it to people at work…" He dropped the photo of an elaborately decorated knife crusted in red and brown gunk on the table. "Did you know the well was dry, Gregory? Or that part of Mrs. Czechowski's scarf was near the well? Did you think it was so far away from the house and the barn and the other buildings that we wouldn't look there? Or that it was so well hidden? You were right about that, by the way." Bobby tilted his head and gave Claret a conspiratorial smile. "It was a bit of luck that I fell over that concrete slab covering the well when I checked the scene."

Claret's lawyer spluttered something about trespassing and unlawful search, but Alex shut him up with a withering look. Bobby had called and a warrant produced well before there was an extensive search of the well and a gathering of the new evidence. A terrible rage filled Claret's eyes.

"The knife," Bobby said quietly. "The blood is Mrs. Czechowski's…And the only fingerprints on it…Well, you didn't even wipe it off when you threw it away…They're yours…"

"Stupid, stupid old woman," Claret muttered.

"And the worst of it," Bobby said sadly. "She didn't see anything…She didn't know anything…"

Claret's head shot up. Any sign of the charming, smooth man was gone, and, in spite of her experience, Alex fell back.

"You…stupid police…you led me right to her…Let her get away…" Claret seethed.

"You made a mistake, Gregory…You're not that smart." Bobby's voice was calm and even, but Alex heard the tension in it. "But we've got you for the murder of Mrs. Czechowski…and the only motive for you to kill her…is to cover up the murders of the other women…" Bobby paused and stared directly into Claret's eyes.

The other man returned the stare. "You know why," he hissed. "They deserved it…Your mom…My mom…the same…Should never have had children…They would've destroyed their children…Just like they destroyed us…"

Alex's heart pounded. "We've got him," she thought. "Don't push it…Be careful, Bobby…Be careful…"

"The same?" Bobby responded quietly. "I don't think so…My Mom was never violent…And look at us…I'm free…You're not…I'm in a suit…You're…well, orange isn't your color…"

Claret's lawyer made a feeble sound of protest. "Shut up!" Claret snarled. "I'm not going to let this warped son of a bitch think he's any better than me." His eyes bore into Bobby's. "I know you…They talk about you at Riker's…Crazy cop…Crazy mother…She scared you…right? Twisted things so you didn't know what was real…"

"Not her," Bobby said quietly and firmly. "The illness…"

"Took everything away…" Claret still stared at Bobby, but he appeared to be disappearing more and more into his head. "I couldn't have friends…She drove my father away…"

"Was it her?" Bobby asked. "Or was it you? My father left because he didn't have the courage to deal with the illness…But he would've probably left anyway…Was that what happened to you? You were too weak…You couldn't help her…Or…" Bobby tilted his head. "You wouldn't? You couldn't be bothered…"

"She ruined everything." Claret's voice rose. "It's her fault…I couldn't be a real cop…So I could put these people away…"

"None of it is your fault…She hurt you…Kept you from being a great man…And you never got to tell her…To make her pay…" Bobby's voice was still eerily calm. "So you made woman like her pay…"

"Bitch." Claret was lost inside his mind. "Like all women…Those…just because of books…Think they know everything…" He sprang out of his head. "You know…you hate your Mom too…"

Bobby shook his head sadly. "I hate what she says and does," he said softly. "But that's not her…not all of her…I don't hate her…"

Claret glared at Bobby, and violently shook his head. For the first time in the interview, he registered Alex's presence, and a bolt of fear stabbed through her. He jumped to his feet and slammed the large table into Bobby and Alex with so much force that his handcuffs snapped free. Alex flew from her chair to the floor, her head bouncing from a side of the table. Claret, a stream of curses flowing from her, loomed over her. She couldn't move. Her last thought as his claws reached for her was, "Bobby…where's Bobby?"

End Chapter 20


	21. Chapter 21

Thanks, as always, for the reviews. I decided not to leave everyone too long.

Chapter 21

From the start of the Claret case, Bobby felt increasing pressure from the outside and in. In spite of what other cops thought, he hated highly publicized cases. He wanted only to do his job and do it as well as he could. Publicity occasionally helped but nearly always hindered an investigation. Publicity revealed him to the world, and he hated that people he didn't know recognized him, that people with no knowledge about him or his life judged him. The publicity on this case pressed in on him. In spite of Ross and Cragen's efforts, the Brass weighed on him. Worst of all was the knowledge that the longer it took to solve the case, the more women who suffered and died. When he was in the hospital, when he drove to and from Carmel Ridge, when he was inside his nightmares, Bobby thought about his responsibility for the deaths of some of the victims and Mrs. Czechowski and the ordeal of Angela Corelli. As bad as the outside pressure, the pressure inside his head was even worse. At several points during the case—the discovery of the bodies, Stabler's accusation, his and Stabler's assault on the Claret farm, Mrs. Czechowski's disappearance, something it seemed every day—Bobby thought his head might explode. Sometimes he wished he could explode, that he could let go in a brief, terrible storm the way Stabler and Alex could. But Bobby feared if he let go, if he gave in, he might not recover.

All of this weighed on Bobby as he entered the interrogation room. He had to get a confession from Claret; had to get it to save Angela Corelli from the ordeal of testifying, to save the women Claret would certainly torture and murder if he got off, to save Claret, to save Bobby Goren from the demons inside his head. It was not, Bobby knew, the best state of mind to carry into an interrogation. He was grateful beyond words for Alex's presence; just being near her calmed him and cleared his mind of its dark thoughts. All of his demons shrank and ran from her.

He had always been a remarkably effective interrogator, even in his early days in the Army. His natural talents as a profiler hadn't been developed until Declan Gage recognized and nurtured them. His childhood's frequent upheavals and the resulting need to adapt to constant changes made him remarkably good at taking on roles and going undercover. But all of his talents, knowledge, and skills came together in the interrogation room. Bobby had to confess that he enjoyed the rush of interrogation—the rush that came before, during, and after the duel, at least when it was a duel. Sometimes it was the destruction of a human being, and those encounters left him as raw and empty and angry as when he tried to navigate through the minefields of his family. In many ways, the aftermath of a difficult interrogation was worse. A troubled twelve-year-old boy was allowed a few tears and a little rage. A big, grownup policeman wasn't. At times, Bobby felt as if he tore off small pieces of his soul and handed them to witnesses, perps, defense attorneys, prosecutors, the Brass, other cops—everyone but Alex. Alex tried to pick up the pieces, put them back together, and return them.

Bobby was certain of two things as he entered the grey room. He knew Claret; he knew the man's anger, his constant rage, his history. What Bobby didn't know was why he wasn't Claret. "Remember," Bobby thought as he changed his clothes. "This is the job…It is NOT an opportunity to deal with your problems…Focus…Be careful…" The other certainty was Alex. He knew she wanted to protect him, to keep from doing this. But she also believed that he could do this, which was more than Bobby was certain of. He wasn't entirely sure that this encounter would end well.

As the interrogation began, Bobby felt the usual adrenaline rush. He controlled and channeled it, and his mind became increasingly clear and focused. He peeled away Claret's defenses and illusions, and, as the interview continued, Claret confessed almost unknowingly. Claret's lack of guilt sickened Bobby, and Bobby realized he was nothing like the raging monster across the table.

Bobby was mildly concerned about Alex's presence in the room, but no more than his customary worries when they faced a dangerous criminal. He knew she could more than take care of herself, probably better than he could take care of himself. Claret had demonstrated no more than a passing interest in Alex, and, aside from her small stature, she bore no resemblance to any of his victims. Through the interrogation, Alex performed her usual excellent supporting role, heading off Claret's lawyer, handing files to him at exactly the right moment, and just being in the room. Bobby knew that not only would Alex protect Claret from him, she would protect Bobby from himself.

He was in control; he'd taken Claret down a dangerous road and the end was in sight. And then everything went horribly wrong. As Claret leaped to his feet, Bobby's mind was terribly clear. He realized he'd underestimated Claret's rage and strength, but he believed and hoped that rage and strength would be directed at him. Then, in ghastly slow motion, Bobby watched as Claret focused on Alex. If Bobby had been one hundred percent physically he would have responded. He would've blocked the table or jumped across it to stop Claret. But his bruised and battered body couldn't respond to his mind's frantic signals. Claret's lawyer was no help; the man sprawled helplessly in front of the door. A wave of pain swept through Bobby's body as the table slammed into his bruised and barely healed ribs and drove the air from his body.

"Alex…I've got to get to her…I can't let him hurt her…Alex…" Bobby desperately gathered his remaining strength and shoved furiously against the large table.

"Bobby…" Alex thought. "Where is he?" She struggled to move, but couldn't force air into her lungs. Claret's distorted face loomed over her. "I don't," she thought. "Want that to be the last thing I see…"

And he was gone. The table no longer trapped her against the wall, and Alex took a deep, painful breath. She staggered to her feet. The force of Bobby's shove against the table had thrown Claret to the floor. Bobby threw his body over the table and on top of the raging man. Claret's lawyer, screaming helplessly, remained in front of the door. Bobby and Claret wrestled on the floor, and Alex scrambled awkwardly over the upturned table. She heard other cops desperately trying to get into the room. Bobby had slammed his body into Claret, who was clearly not used to fighting someone roughly his own size. But Bobby was exhausted and hurt and filled with fear for Alex; he was clearly loosing the fight. Claret threw Bobby off and slammed his fist into the detective's face; he rose to his feet and cruelly kicked Bobby several times. His face contorted with pain, Bobby curled up to try to protect himself. Claret turned murderous eyes on Alex and started towards her, but Bobby grabbed one of his legs.

"No!" Bobby gasped. "Eames…Get away…Get out!"

Claret stumbled but recovered before he fell. "Stupid fucking cop!" he screamed and returned his attention to Bobby. He seized one of the chairs and swung it down on Bobby.

Alex searched desperately for a weapon; her eyes fell on Claret's lawyer's abandoned briefcase. She grabbed it and flung it with a resounding smack against Claret's head. Stunned, he dropped the chair and stumbled away from Bobby. Alex rushed to Claret and jammed her knee into his groin with as much strength and force as she could. He crumbled to the ground, his face white, his mouth opening and shutting like a fish. Alex grabbed the chair and stood over him. She raised the chair over her head.

"Bastard," she spat out. The idea that this monster, this thing, thought her kind, gentle, funny, sweet Bobby was anything like him filled her with a horrible, unreasoning rage.

"Alex." Olivia Benson's calm voice broke through the storm in Alex's mind. The other cops had finally broken through the door. "He's not worth it."

Alex growled.

Olivia changed her tactics. "Bobby," she said. "Bobby needs you."

Shaking, Alex sat down the chair. Uniforms swept past her to surround Claret. As she turned, Alex's eyes met Olivia's.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Olivia nodded, and Alex realized that only a few, brief, terrible moments had passed since the start of Claret's explosion.

Stabler and Huang knelt next to Bobby, who was propped up against the wall. He was very pale, with the rising bruises and blood on his face standing out in horrible contrast to the ghastly white of his skin.

"Easy, Goren." Stabler spoke gently to Bobby, who struggled to breath. An anxious looking Huang examined him.

"We need a bus right away," the psychiatrist said.

Stabler moved so that Alex could kneel next to Bobby. His dark eyes found her, and he feebly lifted his left hand. She grasped and held it; it was terribly cold. He opened his mouth and tried to speak.

"Easy," Alex said. She struggled not to show the fear she felt. "Don't move…"

"I…I'm sorry," Bobby murmured. "I…I pushed him…too far…" Alex could scarcely hear him.

"Bobby," she said firmly. "This is not your fault…You did your job…You did not do this…Claret did…"

He tried to speak again, but several coughs painfully wracked his body. Bright, crimson blood seeped from the corners of his mouth. Huang moved closer to him.

"His lung's collapsed," Huang said tensely. "Where's that ambulance?"

End Chapter 21


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

"How," Alex wondered as she clutched Bobby's hand. "Can anything moving so fast be so slow?" She glanced out the ambulance's window and saw the streets rush by. They were clearly moving as fast as the traffic allowed, but inside the ambulance time seemed to move painfully slowly. Each plodding minute threatened Bobby more and more. He faded in and out of consciousness, one moment knowing where he was and staring at Alex with great, dark, pain and guilt filled eyes, the next lost in the shadows of his mind and fighting the EMTs. Much to Alex's dismay, they eventually had to place restraints on Bobby.

They finally arrived at the Emergency Room, and, in spite of Alex's protests, the doctors and nurses swept Bobby away from her. Lost, confused, frightened, Alex stood alone in the hospital corridor.

"Eames." Captain Ross' voice reached her. Alex turned to face him. His face held an expression that she'd never seen before, a combination of frustration and worry. "How is he?"

Alex bit her lip. "I…I don't know…They just took him in…"

"C'mon, Eames." Ross guided her to a waiting room. "He'll be ok…He's strong and tough…"

"Everyone thinks," Alex said. "That he's so strong and tough…But he's human…He's not some super hero…" She leaned forward and rubbed her palms into her eyes. "And what happened…He's blaming himself…"

Ross sighed. "Deakins tried to warn me about Goren's desire to save every one…and to blame himself for everything."

Alex looked up at him. "I'm still not sure…What went wrong? We were ok…Bobby had Claret on the ropes…Where was our backup? What took so long?"

Ross gently laid a hand on her shoulder. "We're trying to find out why the cuffs snapped…Claret's lawyer managed to plant himself in front of the door…And truth is…We were all stunned…Goren was so in control…And he's always so good in there…We didn't react…"

"I'm still not sure how he got to Claret to get him off me," Alex said.

"It looked like sheer will power to me," Ross said. "Don't worry, Eames. He'll be fine, if only so he can come back and annoy me."

A commotion in the corridor leading to the emergency room grabbed their attention. A flock of nurses, doctors, and uniformed cops surrounded a gurney; on it, Gregory Claret screamed and cursed. Ross and Eames saw Stabler and Benson following the gurney. The two SVU detectives saw and moved towards them.

"How's Goren?" Stabler asked anxiously. The radical change in his attitude towards Bobby struck Alex.

"We don't know yet," Ross answered. "What's with Claret?"

Stabler smiled grimly. "He's a little bruised. Nothing major, but he's screaming police brutality."

"Slime," Alex said. "I shoulda hit him with that chair…"

Olivia sat on the couch next to Alex. "Don't worry…Even Claret's lawyer will testify that Claret started it and you acted in self defense."

"I didn't think I hit him that hard," Alex said.

"Maybe not, but your aim was good," Stabler said.

A harried young nurse approached them. "You're here for Detective Goren?"

Alex managed to choke out a yes.

"He's stabilized," the nurse said. "We're about to move him to surgery…"

"Surgery?" Ross asked.

Alex couldn't find her voice. "It's like a terrible rerun," she thought.

The nurse nodded. "Several old injuries have been reopened…and there's several new…But he should be all right…"

"Could we see him?" Alex found a voice that sounded something like her own.

The nurse shook her head. "I'm afraid not…He's already headed up…But we'll let you know as soon as he's out of surgery."

"I have to get back to Major Case," Ross said regretfully. "I'll let the Squad know and get a watch going."

Stabler stepped behind Alex. "I'll let SVU know…Finn will be here…And Munch…Munch likes Goren…He actually listens to Munch's conspiracy theories…"

For the next few hours, Alex drank countless cups of coffee, talked with what seemed to be most of the NYPD, paced several miles, and flipped through the months old magazines. She tried to give blood, but was rejected because it was too close to when she donated just after Bobby's first injuries. Olivia fell into the same category, but Stabler appeared sporting the rolled up sleeves and bandaged elbow of the blood donor.

"It's not fair," Alex muttered after flinging her body for the one hundredth time on the waiting room couch. "He works so hard…He tries to take care of so much…Why does he…Why does so much happen to him?"

Olivia sat across from her and reached for Alex's hands. "You know there's no answer to that, Alex…There's no fairness…"

"You know what's funny?" Alex asked in a faint voice. "I was afraid Bobby couldn't handle this emotionally…He was as cool as a cucumber…I…I didn't have enough faith in him…and now…now…" She choked. "Now he thinks he failed me…failed us…"

"You know that's not true." Olivia tightly held Alex's hands. "He didn't fail anyone…He was superb…Claret isn't going to get away…Angela Corelli isn't going to have to testify…"

"Yea," Alex said flatly. "But what is it going to cost Bobby?"

Another, far less harried but equally young, nurse appeared in the waiting room door. "Ms. Eames?" she asked.

Alex, her heart in her throat, stood.

"Mr. Goren is out of surgery. He's going to be ok."

Alex felt slightly faint.

"He isn't completely out of the woods yet," the nurse continued gently. "One of his ribs broke and punctured his lung."

Alex felt sick.

"He lost some blood, and he's going to need a lot of rest. But he should be ok."

If the nurse hadn't reached out to support her and if Olivia wasn't standing by her side, Alex might have collapsed.

"Thank you," she whispered as they helped her to the couch. "When…when can we see him?"

"He'll be in the recovery room for about a half hour more," the nurse answered. "Then he'll go to the ICU. If all goes well, he'll be in a regular room in about two days." She smiled reassuringly at Alex. "I'll come for you as soon as he's moved to the ICU."

True to her word, the nurse returned roughly a half hour later; it was the longest thirty minutes of Alex's life. She escorted Alex ("Sorry," she said. "Only one visitor at a time.") to the ICU. Although this was a different hospital, Alex found the ICU depressingly familiar. The ER nurse handed Alex off to one of the ICU staff.

"Mr. Goren is one of my patients," the slightly grey haired woman told Alex. "My name is Bridget, and I married into a family of cops. Two of my kids are cops."

Alex felt her heart lighten.

"You may gather," Bridget said. "That I like cops."

Alex liked Bridget. The woman radiated competency and compassion.

"I'm told," Bridget continued as she left the nurse's station to guide Alex to Bobby. "That you have the power to make Mr. Goren's medical decisions."

Alex nodded. "I…I'm his partner…Professional…He…He doesn't have much family…And I need to warn you…I won't be quiet…I'll question everything…And I want to stay with him."

Bridget smiled. "We'll get along fine."

They paused in front of a door plastered with warnings and rules. "Just to prepare you," Bridget said. "He looks pretty bad…It's the bruises and the swelling…He's unconscious, but talk to him…"

"I know the drill," Alex sighed.

It was an eerily and terribly familiar sight. Bobby, surrounded by machines, lay propped up in a large hospital bed. A horrible rainbow of bruises marked his face and arms; several tubes snaked out from under the sheets. He was unnaturally still, and Alex thought he must be heavily sedated. Bobby's usual state of sleep was a restless one, as if his body and mind couldn't quite shut down all of the energy they contained.

"The machines will help him breath for a while," Bridget said as she cast a critical eye over the various monitors.

"I know," Alex said sadly. "He's…We've been through a lot lately…This…He was hurt before…"

Bridget nodded. "I was told a little about that. What I said about liking cops…I like really brave cops even more."

Alex pulled an uncomfortable looking chair as close as she could to Bobby's bed. "I plan to stay here for a while." There was a quiet but clear challenge in her voice.

Bridget accepted it. "You can stay here as long as you want. Just know that we'll need you to move occasionally." She checked the machines and gave Bobby a short but careful examination. "I'll find you a more comfortable chair," she promised as she left.

Alex scarcely heard her; her attention was on Bobby. She found and gently held his left hand. "Bobby." Her voice was just audible over the machines. "It wasn't your fault…You didn't do anything wrong…" She swallowed. "I'm not angry with you…I know you have to do the job…I…I know it's a part of you…that you have to do it…" She knew Bobby couldn't hear her, but she hoped that he was, in some way, on some level, aware of her, and that by practicing to say the words now she might be able to say them to him when he could understand. "I know now that I can do this…I've been afraid…That I wouldn't be able to face the chance…that I might lose someone again…" She felt the tears in her eyes. "But I've almost lost you twice now…And I know…I know that I love you enough…that I want to be with you enough…to risk losing you."

Alex held his hand, grateful for the physical contact with Bobby and that his skin started to warm. "Now," she said shakily and softly. "All I have to do is tell you all of this when you're awake and risk losing everything."

END Chapter 22


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

He heard voices, but had no way of knowing if they were real or echoes in his mind. He vaguely wondered if it had finally happened, if his fragile grip on reality had snapped, and a small, exhausted bit of his mind almost hoped that it had. A haze of pain, exhaustion, and medication buried and blurred all of his thoughts. His chest burned with embers of pain, and as he drifted from unconsciousness to sleep to something near consciousness, he found he wished for the unfeeling, unknowing state. At least then he didn't have to deal with his mother, his failure, his feelings for Alex.

Through the haze he could, or at least thought he could, hear Alex. At one point he thought he heard her say the word "love", but even in his half-witted state, Bobby knew that word couldn't come from her in connection with him. It was Alex who brought him back from his semi-conscious state; her voice that called him back from the shadows. Every hour the darkness and haze eased; the sense of oblivion lessened; the call of Alex's voice strengthened. He finally became fully conscious. His chest and head hurt, and tubes seemed to be everywhere. He was exhausted, but he was awake.

He slowly, carefully turned his head towards a small window. He was briefly dizzy and sick. His vision cleared, and he saw darkness through the window. He wondered if it was night and where he was.

"Bobby." It was Alex's voice, low, gentle and concerned.

He turned his head cautiously and slowly towards it. Her face blurred in front of him, and Bobby couldn't tell if it was pain, drugs, or fear that dimmed his vision.

"Are you ok?" she asked. "Are you in a lot of pain?"

He blinked; he couldn't look at her. "I nearly got her killed," he thought.

"Here," she said and raised a cup of water to him. "Try to take a drink."

She bent the straw so he could sip the cold liquid. It soothed his terribly dry throat.

"Thank you," he croaked.

She tenderly brushed her hand over his curls. "How's the pain?" she asked again.

"Not…not too bad…" He tried to smile. "Claret wasn't nearly as bad as his bomb."

Alex blinked, and a wave of guilt flooded over Bobby. "She knows what Claret can do," he thought. "Because of you…"

"Bobby," Alex said firmly. "You did nothing wrong…You saved the taxpayers of New York a lot of money…" Bobby glanced up at her; she smiled. "You saved Angela Corelli from testifying…" She took a deep breath and held his left hand. "I still don't know how you did it…as badly hurt as you were…but you saved me…"

Bobby slowly shook his head. "Only…" She could barely hear his voice. "Only after nearly getting you killed…"

"Bobby…even you can't predict everything…You did everything you could." Alex tried to control her exasperation.

Bobby stared at the blanket. "I…I pushed him too hard…" He swallowed. "I…I…" Pain flared in his chest, and he nearly passed out. Alex's face blurred and faded in front of his eyes; it was replaced by the concerned visage of a nurse.

"Easy, Mr. Goren," she said gently. She adjusted one of his IVs. "Let's get some more pain medication in you…"

Before he could ask the nurse to call him Bobby and beg Alex for forgiveness, he drifted into a narcotic fueled sleep. Over the next few days Bobby drifted frequently in and out of that state. Alex remained stubbornly by his side except for the few moments when she could be persuaded to leave, or, more often, dragged away. There was always someone by his side. Alex wouldn't leave unless someone replaced her, and a long list of cops was more than willing to do that.

Elliot Stabler was an especially eager volunteer. "You know," Alex said to him as they passed in a hallway. "I think you may have almost finished with your penance."

Stabler gave her a grateful look. "Not yet…I owe Goren a lot."

"Well," Alex said genially. "I know he doesn't think that."

"And you?" Stabler asked cautiously.

Alex thought for a moment. "I'm not inclined to forget," she said. "But I'm willing to forgive."

"I can more than live with that," Stabler said in a relieved voice. "And I don't think I should forget what I did."

Alex yawned.

"Eames," Stabler said gently. "Go home…Get some sleep…I'll call you if he wakes up…If anything happens."

"Sleep," Alex said wearily. "That's a novel idea…Ok," she conceded. "But call my cell…I'm going to crash at Bobby's place…It's not too far from here."

Stabler nodded. "You two are lucky," he said wistfully.

"Lucky?" Alex struggled not to laugh. "Dear Lord, Stabler…Where have you been lately? Do you know what we've been going through?"

Stabler reddened. "Sorry…of course…I've heard a little." He stared at the floor. "It's just…You're lucky to have each other…That you're still connected…Especially after everything…" He looked up at Alex. "You and Goren have something special, Eames…Hold on to it."

"We…we keep trying," Alex stammered. Stabler's words and voice haunted her as she left the hospital.

"Damn," Stabler thought as he settled in the chair next to Bobby's bed. "When did I start giving advice on things I clearly know nothing about." He shook his head. "I'm in no position to give anyone any advice about any relationship."

Bobby stirred fitfully on the bed, and Stabler leaned forward. Every cop who'd spent a watch with Goren reported that nightmares attacked him. "Some perp try to blow me up and jump me in the interrogation room, I'd have bad dreams too," Finn commented at one point, but Stabler sensed that Goren was on intimate terms with a lot of nightmares long before he was a member of the NYPD.

Bobby twisted in the bed. Tubes no longer weaved over and around his body, but an IV still snaked into his right arm, and Stabler knew that parts of Bobby's body were stitched together.

"Goren," he said gently. "Don't fight…Take it easy."

Bobby thrashed and moaned, and a horrible vision of him lying restrained on the bed filled Stabler's mind. "No," he thought. "Not after everything Goren's been through." He carefully touched Bobby's left arm. "Goren…C'mon…take it easy."

Sweat broke out on Bobby's face, and he faintly whimpered. "No…Don't hurt her…Don't…She's just trying to help me…It's my fault…Don't." He jerked away from Stabler's touch.

"Goren…Please…It's a nightmare…A bad dream." Stabler reached for the call button; he didn't want to call for help, but he feared Bobby might rip out his IV or stitches. And Stabler confessed that he felt an intruder in Bobby's life. The big detective had saved Stabler's life, but that didn't give Stabler the right to invade Bobby's life. Considering what he did know about Bobby's life, Stabler was fairly certain there was much he didn't want to know.

Bobby's eyes shot open; he started to bolt up from the bed, but he winced in pain. He blinked, and Stabler saw a terrible fear in his eyes.

"Al…Eames"

"She just left to get some rest," Stabler said. "She's fine."

Bobby calmed slightly. "What…" He struggled against his mind's fog. "Where…"

"You're in the hospital," Stabler said as soothingly as he could.

"Hospital…" Bobby murmured. "Is…Is she all right?"

Stabler had the disconcerting sensation that Bobby wasn't still in the present. "Eames is fine." He placed his hand on Bobby's arm and pressed gently.

Bobby struggled to rise from the bed. "I…I gotta help her…I gotta…I can't."

Stabler reached again for the call button. "You have to take it easy, Goren…Let me get a nurse…"

"No…please." Bobby clutched at Stabler's arm. "You…you don't understand." He gripped Stabler's arm so tightly that the SVU detective winced. "I…I have to take care of her…There isn't anyone…I can't stay here."

Stabler pushed the call button; things were way out of his league.

"You…You don't understand," Bobby rasped. "It wasn't her…She didn't hurt me…" He coughed; tears formed in his eyes. "Everyone thinks…just because she's sick…that she hurts me."

"Oh, God," Stabler thought. "He's talking about his Mom." He looked frantically for the nurse.

"It wasn't her," Bobby continued. "He'll hurt her…I gotta protect her."

Stabler took a deep breath. "She's ok. I promise you that she's ok."

Bobby's grip eased slightly. "You…you're sure?"

Stabler nodded. "She's safe…I promise you."

Bobby fell back on the pillows. "Ok…ok…but don't let him near her…"

"We won't," Stabler said forcefully.

"He…he can be…very charming…very convincing." Bobby's voice grew weaker.

"We'll watch out for that." To his relief, Stabler saw the nurse approaching.

Reassured, Bobby closed his eyes. The nurse gently but firmly pushed Stabler out of the ICU. He was in the waiting room when Alex returned.

"Why aren't you in Bobby's room?" she asked in a mix of fear and anger.

"He…he sorta woke up." Stabler felt as if he was on the wrong side of an interrogation. "But…he didn't know where he was. The nurses forced me out."

Alex's anger eased, but her fear grew. "What happened?"

"He…I think he had a bad dream," Stabler answered. "When he woke up, he seemed to think he had to protect his Mom. He kept saying that she didn't hurt him…And that someone was trying to hurt her."

Alex blinked. "Oh, Lord," she sighed. "It's that one again."

Stabler chose to ignore asking why Alex was so familiar with Bobby's nightmares. "It seemed to be a pretty bad dream."

"Bobby doesn't have many good ones," Alex said softly. "What did you do?"

"I told him his Mom was ok…That we were protecting her…That we would keep her safe." Stabler shrugged. "It seemed to help."

"You did…said…the right things. Thank you," Alex said.

"We at a truce?" Stabler asked after a moment.

Alex gave him a quick smile. "We may even be allies."

"Good," Stabler said. "You are not one of the people I'd want as an enemy…and would definitely want as an ally."

"Damn straight," Alex said. She looked at the nurse's station. "I'm going to find out what's going on…"

Before she could take a step, a young doctor entered the waiting room. Both Alex and Stabler vaguely recognized her as part of the platoon caring for Bobby.

"Ms. Eames?"

A horribly familiar feeling in her stomach, Alex stepped forward. "How is he? What's wrong?"

"It's a combination of things," the doctor said calmly. "But he's going to be all right." She glanced at the chart in her hand. "Mr. Goren has a bit of a fever…So we've got him on some antibiotics that should take care of that…"

"But…his delirium…" Stabler said.

"That," the doctor said. "Was from the painkillers…and some of the other medications…We're going to try some other combinations…It should get better."

"I'm going to see him," Alex declared. Her tone indicated there would be no argument about her actions.

"Of course." The doctor made a quick strategic retreat.

Alex turned to Stabler. "Thank you," she said softly.

He felt horribly embarrassed. "You're welcome…Just let me know how he is."

She resumed her post by Bobby's bed. His slightly damp from sweat dark curls outlined his terribly pale face. She was enormously relieved that he breathed easily, but his closed eyes occasionally fluttered and his hands twitched. Alex thought that Gregory Claret continued to torture at least one of his victims.

"Oh, Bobby," Alex whispered. "Please…please don't blame yourself…Please…let us help you…"

End Chapter 23


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

He coughed painfully and woke up.

"Hey," Alex's sweet, gentle voice broke through the haze around him. "You awake? You need some water?"

Bobby fought the tears forming in his eyes and nodded. She raised a cup with a straw to his lips, and he drank the blessedly cool water.

"It's good to see you awake," Alex said. "You've been in and out for a couple of days. We were getting worried."

He couldn't look her in the eyes; he stared at his hands.

"Bobby." Alex placed one of her hands over his. "It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. You saved me. You probably saved some other people."

He stared at their hands.

"Bobby…Please…" There was a tinge of desperation to Alex's voice. "You didn't do anything wrong. Please…look at me…"

He shook his head.

Alex's heart broke. "Your Mom," she began, trying a different approach to reach him.

He raised his wide and frightened eyes.

"She's all right," Alex said soothingly. "She misses you, but the doctor in charge of her cancer treatment says she's doing a little better in tolerating the chemo. And Dr. Shimo told me she's not asking as much for your brother…" Alex gave Bobby's hand a gentle squeeze. "But she misses you."

Bobby's gaze returned to their hands. "I…I'm sorry," he said in a low voice Alex scarcely recognized. "You…you shouldn't have to…to deal…"

"It's all right," Alex said firmly and gently. "It's not a big deal. Just a phone call every day. I thought about going to see your Mom, but I didn't want to intrude. And Dr. Shimo thought it might be a bad idea."

He was terribly still, and Alex feared she'd crossed some forbidden line. "She," he finally said. "She doesn't always…respond well…to new people…Even…" He glanced quickly at Alex. "People I've told her about. Good people."

Alex took a deep breath. "Ok," she thought. "We're talking." She smiled at him. "How you feeling?"

Bobby considered the question for a moment. "Uh…better…I think." He shifted cautiously on the bed. "The pain…the pain's not too bad…" He seemed surprised by this. "And…I don't feel sick…" His voice grew stronger. "I…I may…" He looked at Alex.

"What is it?" she asked.

He gave her a shy smile. "I may be hungry."

To both Alex and Bobby's surprise, he was hungry, hungry enough that he was mildly disappointed when the nurses allowed him only some soup and ice cream. "Tomorrow," they promised. "Solid food."

"I'll sneak you something," Alex promised after the nurses left. "But no Thai or Mexican…I'd like you to survive all this."

Bobby smiled at her, and Alex realized how much she'd missed that expression. "Ok," she thought. "Maybe I can risk it…" She settled again in the chair next to Bobby's bed. To her surprise, he spoke first.

"I hear," he said hesitantly. "That you've spent a lot of time there lately."

"We've held each other in the same bed," Alex thought. "But we can barely talk to each other."

He plucked at the blanket. "Thank you," he whispered. "For every thing."

She leaned forward and held his hand. "You're welcome. You want to make it up to me?"

"There's…there's no way…I could ever," he stuttered.

"Maybe," Alex said with a confidence she didn't feel. "But you can try…" She brushed a hand across the soft stubble of his cheek; Bobby trembled. "Talk to me, Bobby." Her voice was soft and tender. "Trust me."

"I…I do trust you." His voice was a whisper. "But…I…" She watched as he tried to hide behind his newly rebuilt walls. "You shouldn't have to…"

Alex attacked the walls. "Yes, I do…As much as you do for me."

"But I…" Bobby continued to stare at his hands. "What do I do for you…except…except…Put you in danger…Hurt you…"

Alex seized one of his restless hands. "Bobby…We're both cops…We're going to be in danger…I worry about you too…"

Bobby's head jerked up.

"And, as for hurting me," Alex continued. "We've had this conversation…The only time you hurt me is when you don't let me in…" She took a deep breath. "When you tell me to back off."

There was a long silence.

"I…I'm sorry," he whispered. His hand trembled beneath hers. "I…I…I don't…" He finally looked her in the eyes, and Alex nearly fell back from the pain and fear in his face. "It's hard for me…to trust…to let anyone in…I…I…don't know how."

"Well," Alex said shakily. "This is a start. And everything you've said during this case…The way you've reminded me that we have to allow ourselves to do the job…It seems to me you're doing that well…Better than me most of the time."

She reached and lifted his chin so that he had to keep looking in her eyes. To her relief, he didn't look away.

"But…Claret," he said. "I…I screwed up…I let him…"

"It wasn't just you, Bobby…A lot of people screwed up…His lawyer…other cops…Those stupid cuffs…There's a lot of blame to go around." Alex paused. "Unless you get some kind of kick out of taking the blame for everything."

Bobby jerked, but Alex held on to his hand.

"I…I don't get any pleasure out of it," he said. "But I got blamed for so much for so long…Sometimes it just seems easier to get it over with." He gave her a weak smile.

She had some idea how much that admission cost him. "Ok," she said softly. "But try to take it easier on yourself from now on…Deal?" She stuck out her right hand.

He shook her hand. "Deal."

"You know," Alex said. "To make this official we should have spit on our hands."

Bobby snorted and winced. "Damn, Alex…Don't make me laugh…I'm not sure my ribs can stand it."

It was better after that. Bobby still struggled through bad dreams, but they were less in number and intensity; there were still moments of tentative silences. But he got better, and was soon discharged to Alex's care.

"This is getting to be a habit," Olivia Benson said as she checked the hospital room for Bobby's stuff.

"And I'm getting tired of being your personal chauffeur," Elliott Stabler groused.

"Hey," Alex said from inside the closet. "You guys knew the job was dangerous when you took it."

Bobby tried not to laugh and disturb his tender ribs. He leaned back against the pillows in the bed. "It's good to be going…" He caught himself just before he said "home." He blushed and tried not to catch Alex's eye. "To be getting out of here," he said quickly. He carefully stretched.

Stabler shouldered Bobby's bag. "We'll get the car and meet you out front, ok?"

"See you, kids," Benson laughed as she left.

Alex smiled at Bobby. "So…You almost said home."

He reddened and stared at the bed. Alex decided she liked this shy Bobby. "Wonder if he's so shy about everything," she thought. "Damn it, Eames…get those thoughts out of your head."

"I…I'm sorry," Bobby said softly. "It's just…I'm so glad to get out of here and have someplace to go…I…I…"

"Bobby." Alex decided to put him out of his misery. "It's ok. I'm happy…pleased…that you think my house is…" Her heart jumped in her throat.

"I…I think," Bobby said. "I…Somebody has to sign me out…Maybe you could find a nurse…"

"I'll check," Alex said, grateful for the interruption.

Bobby fell back on the pillows. "Smooth, Goren," he thought. "Really smooth…Talk about being presuming…" He flung one arm across his eyes. "But she didn't seem upset…"

"Detective Goren."

Bobby pulled his arm away at the sound of Captain Ross' voice and sat up carefully. Standing in the doorway, Ross appeared apologetic, a tone Bobby didn't usually associate with the Captain.

"I'm sorry," Ross said. He looked distinctly uncomfortable. "But I'm glad I caught you before you left the hospital."

"What's wrong?" Bobby asked. "Have I done something…"

Ross smiled wanly. "Detective, you've been in the hospital for over a week…Even you couldn't get in trouble under those circumstances."

Bobby allowed a quick smile. "You might be surprised, sir."

"I don't think I want to test that theory," Ross replied. He sighed. "The Claret case…"

Bobby stifled a shiver. "Claret causing trouble?"

"In a way," Ross answered warily. "But he's also been cooperating in many ways."

Bobby leaned forward. "He's talking to Huang…"

Ross sat in the chair next to the bed. "He's talking to a lot of people. Apparently his confrontation with you led to a revelation for Mr. Claret…His lawyer…His new lawyer…is hoping to get some consideration for diminished capacity."

"And if the case goes to trial, he won't get it," Bobby said softly. "Even if Claret really is ill…his crimes are so horrible…"

Ross studied Bobby for a moment. "Whose side are you on, Detective?" he asked with an edge to his voice.

"I'm not on anyone's side," Bobby answered evenly. "I don't make any excuses for Claret. Wanting to know why someone did something doesn't mean excusing what someone did. I'm being realistic. No one will allow Claret to escape from what he did…But if someone had recognized what was happening to him…Well…" Bobby shrugged. "Those women would be alive…Angela Corelli wouldn't be traumatized…And if we can figure out why Claret did what he did…then maybe we can keep someone else from hurting someone."

"I'm not sure our job should deal so much with the why," Ross said quietly. "But I take your point." Bobby felt relieved. He felt he had finally achieved some understanding with his captain.

"The reason I'm here," Ross continued.

"There's a problem…"

"Not so much a real problem," Ross said uneasily. "But…but Claret wants to talk to you…"

"He wants to what!" Alex's stunned and angry voice came from the door.

END CHAPTER 24


	25. Chapter 25

Sometimes I can't get Bobby and Alex to shut up.

Chapter 25

Both of the stunned men turned to face Alex, who appeared to have grown considerably taller in a few seconds.

"Eames," Ross began in a conciliatory tone.

"You can't," Alex fumed as she strode into the room. "Seriously be considering letting him near Bobby again…He nearly killed Bobby the last time…Hell, he's nearly killed Bobby twice. He's confessed. We've got our case."

"I know," Ross said wearily. "I'm relaying information from Huang…He says Claret's been very cooperative…That he's ill…He seems to have had some revelation…"

Alex snorted. "Wonder if the threat of life in a rat hole of a prison had anything to do with that?"

Ross nodded. "You're probably right, Eames. I don't disagree with you. I'm the messenger here, and I'm doing it out of courtesy to Huang."

"The penalties," Bobby murmured. "They don't matter to him…"

Ross and Alex turned to him. Bobby had disappeared into that near trance like state that often foreshadowed his insights into victims, crimes and perps.

"He wants to be understood…He wants to understand…He wants me to understand." Bobby became aware of Alex and Ross' scrutiny. "Is Huang the only one asking you to deliver this message?"

"Bobby," Alex warned.

Ross glanced warily at her. "Claret's new lawyer is of course…She hopes she can get some recognition of the abuse he suffered…or of any possible mental illness."

Bobby perched on the edge of the hospital bed. "She's probably right," he said thoughtfully. "Claret wasn't completely sane when he committed these crimes…"

"Bobby…you can't…you can't be seriously thinking about helping him!" Alex was furious. "Huang can't be seriously thinking that you…of all people…will want to talk to Claret…to help him…"

"Huang," Bobby said softly. "Probably thinks it might help me."

Both Alex and Ross looked at him in surprise. Bobby had again entered that near trance like state.

"Goren," Ross said firmly. "You do NOT have to do this…You're under no obligation…I'm certainly not going to force you…"

"You still don't know him very well," Alex said in an exhausted voice. "He feels obligated to everyone…over everything."

Bobby looked at her for a moment. He seemed about to reply to her when he turned his attention to Ross. "When do you need to know my decision?"

Ross stood. "Not soon…I want you to talk to Huang about this…Remember…You owe nothing to Claret…"

A nurse appeared behind Alex. "I'm sorry," she said. "But I have some papers Mr. Goren has to sign…As much as we like him, we're glad he's getting to go home."

"Take care of yourself, Goren," Ross said. Even in her anger, Alex heard the combination of exasperation, concern and admiration in the Captain's voice. They were, she thought, qualities she'd frequently heard in James Deakins' voice when he dealt with Bobby. "We want…need you…back in Major Case…but don't push it, ok?" Ross nodded cautiously at Alex as he left the room.

Bobby concentrated on the forms in front of him, scrawling his name and initials on the required lines. Alex bit her lip as she watched him.

"Ross is right, you know," she said. "You don't have to…"

"It's not just about Claret," Bobby said quietly. His eyes remained on the papers in front of him, but Alex sensed he wasn't reading them.

Before Alex could respond, the nurse reappeared. Bobby handed her the forms and stared with disdain at the wheelchair she pushed. "Do I have to…"

"Yes, you do," the nurse answered.

Alex smiled.

Bobby was quiet in the car; his silence troubled Alex and puzzled Benson and Stabler.

"You know, Goren," Stabler said. "If my partner was going to wait on me hand and foot, I'd be a lot more excited about it."

Bobby stared out the window. "Yea…well…I've been…I'm afraid my partner has had to care of me a lot lately."

Alex turned to him. "And your partner doesn't mind it at all," she said gently.

The trip to Alex's home was much shorter than their previous return with Bobby from the hospital, but they still stopped for lunch at a restaurant near her house. The staff greeted her warmly, with one of the waitresses giving Bobby an especially big smile. He returned the smile, but barely said another word or touched his food.

"You ok, Bobby?" Olivia asked as they returned to the car.

"Yea," Bobby replied. "Just…just tired."

And Bobby did seem tired. Everything—his voice, his body—spoke of his weariness.

"C'mon," Alex said, her anger gone in the face of his exhaustion. "We'll get you to my place and you can get some rest."

He slumped in the back seat for the rest of the drive. When Bobby started to get out of the SUV, Stabler had to help him, and climbing the few steps to the front door almost seemed beyond his strength. As soon as they entered the house, Alex sent him in the direction of the guest room.

"He must be exhausted," Stabler said softly as soon as Bobby was out of the front room. "He didn't argue with you."

"Yea," Alex said. "And he didn't say anything about calling his Mom."

Benson looked at her sympathetically. "You need anything, Alex?"

Alex sighed. "No…I don't think so…but thank you."

"Listen," Stabler said. "You need anything…anything at all…You call us, ok?"

Alex studied him. In a matter of weeks, Stabler had gone from being one of Bobby Goren's greatest critics to one of his greatest defenders and protectors.

"I will," she promised. "You can count on it."

"We'll let you get some rest," Olivia said.

"Hey, Stabler," Alex said as the two SVU detectives started to leave.

He turned to her.

"I think," she said deliberately. "You've performed enough penance…even for me." She smiled.

Stabler and Olivia smiled back.

"Thanks, Eames," Stabler said lightly. "I appreciate it…I definitely do NOT want to be on your blacklist."

Alex moved to the guest room after Stabler and Olivia left. Bobby was asleep, sprawled on his back across the bed. He still wore his clothes, even his shoes and socks. "Poor baby," Alex thought, and nearly giggled at the thought of big Bobby Goren as a baby. She sat carefully on the bed and slipped off his shoes and socks. Bobby stirred and murmured, but didn't wake up. She awkwardly managed to get his legs up on the bed. She draped a blanket over him and closed the window blind so the afternoon sun wouldn't disturb him. Before she left the room, she passed by the bed. Bobby slept the unmoving sleep of the exhausted. She brushed his curls.

"He shouldn't have to deal with everything," Alex thought. "He shouldn't feel like he has to save everyone…Everything…" Impulsively, she leaned forward and brushed her lips across his forehead. She realized that this was the first kiss she'd ever given Bobby, the first either had shared with the other. She straightened her body with a jolt, leaving Bobby fortunately still asleep but with a content but puzzled expression. "Good grief," Alex thought. "What would've happened if he woke up?" Shaken, she retreated from the room.

He shivered in the cold. In his haste he'd forgotten his jacket, and the wind blew sharp needles of cold through his thin, worn sweatshirt. He'd fled to the building's roof and now huddled behind one of its massive vents. He jumped as the door to the roof banged open.

"Dammit, boy! I know you're up here!"

He didn't move. "If I can just wait," he thought. "Until he gets away from the door…I can run downstairs…Maybe lock the door behind me…Get to the apartment…Make sure she's safe…Get help…"

SMACK! He shuddered at the sound of leather against brick.

"Think you're so smart, boy…You're not getting away from me…And…if I don't find you…There's always her…"

He shivered. "No," he thought. "Don't hurt her."

"It's cold up here…I'm going back down where it's warm." SMACK! "Where I'll have plenty to do." SMACK!

He swallowed, stood, and walked out from behind the vent.

"There you are, you little bastard…I'll teach you to run away from me…You come here…"

He stumbled forward. "Just…please…just don't hurt her…"

"Bobby…Bobby…please…wake up…"

"Just…please…I'm coming…don't hurt her…"

He slowly became aware of gentle hands on his shoulders and an anxious and kind voice speaking to him.

"Bobby…It's a nightmare…It's not real…Please…wake up…"

The awful dream finally released him. Bobby blinked, and stared into Alex' worried, warm eyes.

"Alex," he whispered and reached for her.

She wrapped her arms around him and held him as gently as she could. His shirt was damp with sweat, and he shivered as the cool air hit him.

"It's ok," she whispered. "It's all right…It wasn't real…" She started to pull away from him, but he clung to her so tightly that he winced in pain.

"What is it?" Alex asked anxiously.

"I…my ribs," Bobby said. "I keep forgetting about my stupid ribs…until they hurt."

"Ok now?" She looked at him closely.

"Uh…yea…What time is it?" He pulled away from her and tried to find a clock.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Now she fought to hold on to him. "Talk to me, Bobby…"

"It's…it's bad enough I have to deal with them, Eames." He tried for a light tone. "But to make someone else do it…"

"No," Alex said after a beat.

"No?" Bobby, puzzled, stared at her.

Alex took a deep breath. "No…you can't shut me out…You can't brush me off…"

"I'd never try to…" Bobby began.

"But you do…you are," Alex said.

"I…I tell you things," he stuttered. "I…I let you in…More than anyone…every…" He was genuinely puzzled and troubled.

Alex shook her head. She was too frustrated and sad to be angry. "Bobby…You're the smartest guy…But for a genius, you can be so stupid sometimes…"

His face scrunched in bewilderment. "I…I don't understand…"

"Of course you don't," she sighed. "Bobby…you don't let anyone in…Except for me…And while I appreciate that…You know you don't let me in that far…"

"But…but….I don't have any right to…to ask you." He stared at his hands.

"Bobby…" Alex felt almost as if she were attempting to explain some rule to her nephew. "Who's taken care of me? Who's listened to me and come to me and heard all about my nightmares?"

He shook his head. "You…you don't know…how bad…What they're like…"

"You have some monopoly on bad dreams?" Her voice was gentle even if her words weren't. "That you're the only one with nightmares? Claret came after me, too, you know."

Bobby's head jerked up. "Of course I know that…I can't forget it…" His voice was a mix of anger and despair. "I…I was responsible for it."

"No one forced me in there. You're not responsible for everything…everyone…" She reached for his hands.

Bobby pulled his hands away from her. "I'm…I'm supposed to…I can't…not everyone…but you…I'm supposed to protect you…"

"And I'm supposed to take care of you," she said simply. "Partners, remember?"

He stood and looked down at her.

"C'mon, Bobby," she said calmly. "You know you can't use your size to intimidate me…Especially when you can barely stand."

Bobby couldn't tell if his confusion resulted from pain, medication, or Alex's behavior. He rubbed the back of his neck, wincing when his muscles protested.

"Bobby," Alex said gently. "Stop torturing yourself…Talk to me…"

He succumbed to his body's demands and sat heavily on the bed. "It's…I…I'm afraid…" He ran his hand over his mouth.

"I'm not going to leave or run away," Alex said. She carefully moved closer to him. "You can't get me to." She placed her hand on his arm. "Bobby…whatever it is…no matter how bad it is…I know you're a good man…No matter how hard you are on yourself…"

"I…I know you won't…It's not just that…" He stared at some point in the rug. "It's…" He choked. "It's…it hurts to remember…I...I don't want to remember…And…maybe if I don't tell anyone…Maybe it won't be true…"

"That bad?" Alex asked softly.

Bobby nodded. "Maybe worse…" He rose awkwardly to his feet.

"Bobby," Alex warned.

He walked unsteadily to a large backpack that Alex knew contained several books and papers. She'd commented on the fact that when Bobby was in the hospital he needed one piece of luggage devoted to his reading materials. He unzipped on of the bag's pockets, pulled out a large, heavily stuffed manila envelope, and held it out to Alex. As she read its label, she recoiled from it.

"Remember it?" Bobby asked sadly.

"Your…your file from CPS," Alex said in some confusion.

"After…after what happened," Bobby said flatly. "I thought…maybe I could some idea about the perp…some insight…if I checked my own file…I got a copy…"

"How?" Alex squeaked.

Bobby smiled bitterly. "There are ways…especially if you're a Major Case hotshot…" He cocked his head at the file. "If you really want to know what causes…what's in…my nightmares…"

Alex hesitated. It was one thing to say she wanted to know about Bobby's nightmares; it was another to be faced with an actual introduction to them.

"You don't have to, of course," Bobby said softly.

He was about to pull the file away when Alex grabbed it. "What do you want, Bobby?"

He stared at the file balanced between their hands. "I don't know," he confessed. "If you read it, maybe you'll understand…and then…maybe you'll never want to be near me again…" He released the file, and Alex lunged to catch it. "Do what you want to, Alex…"

He spun and left the bedroom, leaving Alex to stare at the thick envelope.

END Chapter 25


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

He sprawled on the couch, his mind buzzing.

"She's reading it," he thought. "She has to be…It's been too long since I left her…She's reading it and now she'll know…what…what I really am…How damaged…How useless…And she'll leave me…She'll be as kind as she can about it…She's Alex…She's incapable of being unkind…But she'll leave…And she should…Get a chance at a real life…She's put her life on hold for six years…Nearly lost it because of me."

He closed his eyes. His body begged for rest, but his mind refused it.

"I'm never going to see her again," he thought. "Well, she won't throw me out tonight…And she may stay with me until I get back to Major Case…If I go back…What's the point if I won't be with her? No one else will want to work with me…Even before…Before I managed to almost get her killed…Oh, God…How will I live…Maybe she'll let me see her…A cup of coffee every once in a while."

He rubbed his eyes.

"How pathetic are you, Goren? And what can you do? Work for another agency? Teach? What lunatic would let you teach?"

A subtle scent of lavender reached his nose; he opened his eyes to find Alex kneeling beside the couch.

"Bobby." She breathed his name. "My kind, good, beautiful, brave Bobby." She reached for him.

He jerked away and winced. "No," he said flatly. Ignoring the pain in his body, he sat up.

"No?" Puzzled, Alex looked up at him.

"Pity." He spat the word. "I don't want pity."

He couldn't look at her; he wished she would just send him away.

"Pity? Bobby…you think?" Alex laid her hands on his knees. She tried to judge his feelings, a difficult task under the best of circumstances and nearly impossible with her own in their current stormy condition. "C'mon…how can you expect anyone to even glance at that file and not feel something for that child?"

"I…I hate…pity." He choked on the words. "At least…if someone made fun of me…or was scared of my Mom…I could…can…fight…or try to explain…But pity…I just have to swallow it…and be grateful…"

"I think…" Alex said carefully. "I…I may understand that…a little…When Joe died…"

Bobby glanced at her quickly.

"I hated it when people would whisper…when people would say "Poor Alex"." Her voice was calm and deliberate, and it soothed him. "But you know that…You've had to deal with it all your life."

"Yea," Bobby said. The anger had drained from his voice. "I…I'm sorry…I had…have…no right…I know it's not pity…not coming from you…" He stared at his hands. "From you…it's compassion…"

Alex moved so that she knelt between Bobby's knees. She took his chin in her right hand and tenderly turned his fact to hers. His eyes were tightly shut.

"You are," she said firmly. "A remarkable man. How…" She shook her head. "You're a good and brave man."

Bobby blinked.

"Did you," Alex asked softly. "Expect me to run away…to send you away?"

"Yes…forgive me…yes…" He couldn't look at her.

"Bobby." Her voice remained calm, but he could hear the tension in it. "You know me better than that."

"I…I'm sorry." Bobby stumbled over the words. "But…no one…Before…I've never…never really told anyone…but…even when I told someone a little…hints…They were always so afraid…"

He really looked at her for the first time since she knelt beside him.

"I should've known…You're always brave…You…You may be afraid of something…There's not much that you are…But you never show it…"

Alex leaned forward and carefully wrapped her arms around him; Bobby shivered and slowly leaned forward.

"Brave?" she whispered into his ear. "After…after reading that file…just parts of it…I don't think I know anything about bravery…" She moved back slightly from him. "I'm so proud to know you…to know someone who survived…not only survived…but…became such a good man…one who does so much…who helps so many people."

He couldn't bear it any more. He was too exhausted; his body hurt too much; he was too ashamed; she was too kind. He trembled.

"Bobby." Alex sat by him on the couch. "I honestly don't know if I can help you…But I know…I want to try…But you have to let me…" She took a deep breath. "I love you, you know…"

He spun to look at her, his eyes wide in shock.

"Yea," Alex said in a shaky voice. "You heard right. I love you."

It was too much. He collapsed and fell into her arms. "I…forgive me," he whispered. "I love you too."

In spite of her fears and anger at what had been done to Bobby, Alex's heart soared. "You don't have to apologize for it, you know."

"I…I'm so tired…I'm sorry." His voice was so low that she scarcely heard him. "You're saying the words I've dreamed of you saying…I'm saying things to you that I've dreamed of saying…But this…" He waved his left hand. "It's not how I dreamed any of it…"

"Reality is usually nothing like what we've dreamed," Alex said.

"No," Bobby said, and he looked at her. Alex felt love flow through her. "This is better."

It took her a moment to recover her voice. "You think," she asked. "You can get to my bedroom?"

Bobby wrestled with her words. "Your bed?"

"Yea." Alex smiled. "You know…It's not like you haven't been there."

"Yea," he said. "But everything's changed now…Because of those three words."

Alex pulled away from him; she still held his hands. "Yes," she said. "And no. Look, we're with each other all the time…We stop and stay at each other's places. We take care of each other. People are surprised when they don't see us together." Alex shrugged. "There are plenty of people who think we're already sleeping together." She smiled.

"Yea," Bobby said returning the smile. "But we are sleeping together…but just sleeping."

"They think what they want," Alex said. "Ross just wants us to get through a case without a major crisis…He doesn't want to know."

"But…can we…I mean…God know…I'm not easy to deal with…" Bobby pulled one hand away to rub the back of his neck.

"We'll have to be sure to get away from each other every once in a while…Give ourselves breathing space." Alex was remarkably calm. "But I think we can manage that."

Bobby looked at her in wonder. "You're amazing," he said reverently. "Incredible…" His thumb brushed the back of her hand, creating warm sparks on her skin. "You know…even ignoring the job and its complications…It's not going to be easy…My Mom…You know some of that…" He stared at the floor.

"You must have every thread of that rug memorized by now," Alex said gently. "I understand a lot more now. Not everything, but more. I think I understand why you think you have to talk to Claret. I'm still not sure you should."

Bobby turned to her. "If you don't want me to talk to him, I won't."

She was terrified by the trust and power he placed in her hands with those words. "I…I'd never do that, Bobby. Not with something like this. Hell, I won't even try to tell you not to eat those pastrami sandwiches."

"There are a lot of people," he said softly. "Who would thrill at having that power over someone…Who would think that's love…"

"Yea…well that's not my definition of love," Alex declared in a way that suggested to Bobby that she'd personally experienced that type of behavior.

"So…you'll let me be me," he said.

Her grip tightened slightly on his hand. "Yea…and I expect the same from you."

Everything—his exhaustion, the pain, the enormous relief, and, above all, Alex's love—overwhelmed him. A fog clouded his eyes, and a roaring filled his ears.

"Bobby? Are you all right? Please…" Alex's warm and worried voice reached him through the fog and roar.

His head was in Alex's lap. Bobby blinked and looked up into her warm hazel eyes. "I could look in them forever," he thought, and he smiled as he realized that less then fifteen minutes before he'd been unable to even glance into them.

"What is it?" she asked gently.

"I'm just…It's a lot to deal with," he said.

She helped him sit up, and he looked at her. "And you…It must be tough for you too," he said.

Now she found it difficult to look in his eyes. They were so full of love she could hardly bare the knowledge and depth of his feelings for her.

"Talk about brave," Bobby said. "You're…to tell me that you love me…To take that risk…To…To be brave enough to love someone again…after…and for it to be another cop…" His hand caressed her cheek, and Alex leaned into his warm, gentle touch. "And, on top of all that…to be brave enough to love me…knowing what you know about me." He smiled at her, and Alex's heart splintered, recovered, and melted back together. "You are extraordinary, Alex Eames."

And then he yawned—a huge, gigantic yawn worthy of a grizzly bear.

Alex smiled. Bobby blushed and grinned sheepishly. Alex fought, not entirely successfully, not to giggle. Bobby also lost his battle for control and started chuckling. Within a minute they were both laughing in a state of near hysteria.

"Smooth, Goren, very smooth," Alex gasped when she regained some control.

Bobby winced. "I am in no shape to laugh like that," he said. He grew somber. "And…and I'm afraid…I'm not in any shape for…uh…"

Alex smiled and took his hands. "You're not helping your reputation as the smooth ladies man here," she said. "Don't worry…It's something we can look forward to…"

Bobby smiled ruefully and tried to stifle another yawn.

"C'mon," Alex said. "Let's get you to bed before we both get hysterical again."

She guided him to her bedroom. It was the same as before, but slightly different in ways he couldn't define. Everything was better because Alex loved him. She helped him shed his shirt, pants, shoes and socks and slip under the covers. Wearing her extra, extra large NYPD shirt, she joined him there a few minutes later.

"You take your medicine? Do you need anything?" she asked as she moved closer to him.

"I'm ok…I…I'm just trying to adjust," he said.

Alex carefully cuddled him. His head rested just below her chin. "Adjust?"

"Yea…to the idea…fact…that you love me…It's…it's wonderful."

She held him as tightly as she dared.

END Chapter 26


	27. Chapter 27

As always, many thanks for the kind reviews and comments. I must warn everyone that it may be a while for the next chapter.

Chapter 27

Alex looked longingly at her bed and the large lump currently occupying it. The lump's salt and pepper curly hair was just visible above the covers. Bobby was a burrower. He liked to pull the covers over his head and hide in the pillows. Even if he started the night on the far side of the bed, through the night he moved closer and closer to Alex until he snuggled next to her. Alex couldn't and didn't complain. She favored lots of blankets and pillows and tended to drift towards Bobby through the night. One of her few serious conflicts with her late husband came with the discovery that Joe preferred a warm room with few blankets and that he wasn't a cuddler in bed. He was a good and attentive lover and husband, but he needed his space when he slept. He was physically affectionate in public, a luxury that Bobby and Alex couldn't afford.

Alex smiled as the lump stirred and reached for her. Not finding her body, it settled for grasping one of her abandoned pillows. She and Bobby hadn't yet had sex, although Alex felt that somehow they had made love. Her smile widened as she considered that it wouldn't be long before they would heed their bodies' calls. In the week since his release from the hospital, Bobby's recovery had been remarkable for its speed and his cooperation with his doctors and Alex, and Alex enjoyed pointing out that the two developments were not unrelated.

And he'd lowered his defenses to the point to allow her to drive him to visit his mother at Carmel Ridge. The drive there, in spite of the promise of spring in the air, was an awkward affair, and Bobby hesitated before he left the car when they arrived.

"Don't worry," Alex said in what she hoped was a reassuring tone. "I don't mind waiting…or going in…I'd like to meet your mother…But I understand if you don't think it'd be a good idea…And I've brought a book…"

Bobby looked at her gratefully, and Alex saw some of the tension leave his body. "She…she doesn't always deal well with new people…I'll get you if it looks like she's up to meeting you…"

"I'll just park myself on that bench," Alex said genially.

Bobby, pale and quiet, emerged a little over an hour later. Alex closed her book and opened the car door for him. He had warned her that a short visit would indicate that things had not gone well. He said nothing for several miles, sitting motionless and staring out the window.

"You have," he finally said. "A rare gift for silence, Alex."

"So you've said," she answered gently. She focused on the road.

They both shivered as a sign for Claremont appeared. Alex's grip tightened on the wheel.

"Ok?" she asked.

"Been better," Bobby said wryly. "Been worse."

"Your Mom?" Alex ventured.

He shifted and sighed. "She…she was upset because I hadn't been to visit…And then she was upset because Frank hadn't been to see her…and because I didn't know where he was…"

"She knew you were hurt…She could see that." Alex couldn't hide her frustration.

"Sometimes she doesn't see what's there," Bobby said patiently. "Maybe because she sees too many things that aren't there."

For all of his kindness and patience—perhaps because of the effort and energy it took for him to maintain them—Bobby was exhausted when they returned to Alex's home. He quickly became the lump now residing in her bed.

"C'mon, girl," Alex thought as she turned to the bathroom. "You need to make at least an appearance in the office."

Alex was in the shower, desperately hoping the water would wash her awake, and she didn't hear the lump's first whimpers. She didn't see it twist and turn and fight the sheets and blankets that began to wrap its body like a shroud. But even with the water going full blast and a closed door between them, she heard its screams. She turned off the water and threw on a T-shirt without drying off. Leaving small puddles in her wake, she rushed to Bobby.

Alex had seen Bobby in the throes of a nightmare before. It wasn't pleasant to watch, and she could only imagine what it was to experience one. It often only took a touch of her hand and a few soft words of comfort to calm him, but others required Alex to carefully wake him. Others—the worst—caused him to wake up screaming. His defenses had fallen enough that Bobby had told her a little about them, enough for Alex to know that the young Bobby's inability to protect his mother and his grownup counterpart's failure to save every lost soul were constant themes.

This was a bad one. Bobby flailed violently on the bed, and Alex thought that only the twisted sheets wrapped around him prevent him from hurting himself.

"No…No…" Sweat and tears ran down his face. "Don't hurt her…I'm coming…I'll do what you want…Stop it…Don't hurt her…"

Alex sat on the bed. "Bobby," she said firmly, drops of water from her hair and body sprinkling him. "Wake up…It's a dream…C'mon…I'm here…It's a dream…"

"No…No…Please." He twisted and jerked beneath her touch. "Please…"

Alex gripped his shoulder. If the twisted sheet hadn't restrained him, he might have swung at her.

"Bobby," she said again. "Please…wake up…"

"No! No!" he screamed. His eyes flew open and stared wildly. He struggled against the covers.

"Bobby." Alex fought to keep her voice calm. "Take it easy…You're caught in the covers…Please…let me help you." She had never seen him so terrified and it terrified her.

Her voice broke through the terror in his mind. He ceased fighting and gasped for breath. "Please…please help me…help me get loose." His voice was ragged with fear.

"Ok," Alex said and began to gently untangle the sheets and blankets from his body. "Let's get you out of this mess." She gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "You look like a mummy."

He calmed as she released him.

"Thank you," he whispered. "I'm…I'm sorry I got so freaked out."

She pulled the last of the sheet from his leg. "It must have been a bad one," she said cautiously.

Bobby sat up slowly. "Yea…well, there aren't many good ones," he admitted.

"I'll get you some water." Alex sensed he needed some time and space.

"Alex," he asked as she started to leave the room. "Did you know you were soaking wet?"

She smiled. "Nothing much gets past you, Detective."

"I'm sorry," Bobby said as he stared at the damp tangle of covers on the bed. "That I pulled you out of the shower."

"Could've been worse," Alex said genially. "You could've got me up…You know how cranky that makes me…"

He was stricken. "I'm so sorry, Alex…You do so much for me…"

"Bobby," she said firmly. "It's ok…You know that…You going to be ok?"

"Yea." He nodded. "I'm good."

She was brushing her teeth when she realized Bobby had told her nothing about the dream. She elected not to confront him. "No need to make him go through it again right now," she thought.

Alex emerged from the bathroom to discover Bobby putting new sheets on the bed. "Hey," she said. "Be careful…you don't want to over do it."

He wore only his boxers and the scars from the recent attacks were still fresh on his body. He was thinner than he'd been in some time, but his muscles still rippled beneath his skin. A need and want for Bobby filled Alex with so much force that she clutched the door frame to keep from falling.

"Alex?" Bobby's worried voice broke through the fog around her.

"No," she thought. "Don't…don't look at him…You'll burn up from the inside."

He touched her. It was nothing more than his hand on her shoulder, but its heat passed through her jacket and shirt and sent electric currents through her.

"Alex?" Bobby felt her trembling beneath his hand. He couldn't understand why she wouldn't look at him. He placed his other hand on her cheek, and her head shot up so that their eyes met. Her eyes blazed with passion and fear, and hey kissed before either knew who started the contact.

She couldn't breath, couldn't think. He covered her completely, his long, strong arms wrapped around her, his legs on either side of hers. One of his large hands pressed against her back while the other held the back of her neck and guided her mouth to his. His eyes, darker than she'd ever seen, shone with want and need. Terrible promises filled those eyes, and fear flooded her mind. He broke the kiss and stared at her. He'd kissed her without thinking; her body seemed to cry for his in the same way he ached for her. At the start her body melted willingly into his, and he thought he felt her give all of her self to him. He'd never kissed anyone the way he kissed her. Everything—good and bad—that had ever happened to him, that he had done, had taken him to this moment.

And then he saw the fear in her eyes and felt her body stiffen against his. "She's afraid of me," Bobby thought. "I'm afraid of me." He broke the kiss and tried to pull away from her.

Alex wrapped her arms around his neck and tried to hold onto him without hurting him.

"Bobby…What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?" She pulled him to her so that his forehead rested against hers.

He shut his eyes tightly. He couldn't bear to see the fear in her eyes. "I…I'm sorry, " he stuttered. "I…I had no right…"

"It's all right," Alex said. "It's just…I don't understand." She took a deep breath, unsure of how to reach him. "I thought…I thought we both did that…that we both wanted that."

"You…You were afraid…are afraid," he murmured.

"Afraid?"

"I saw…afraid…of me."

He tried again to pull away, but Alex tightened her grip. "I'm not afraid of you," she declared. "Confused, yea…frustrated…scared of myself…but I'm not afraid of you."

"Alex…don't…I saw it…" His eyes were still closed.

"Open your eyes and you won't see it any more."

He blinked and looked at her. "You…you aren't afraid," he wondered. "But…I saw it…and I can't…the thought that you might be at all…"

"It was…" Alex chose her words carefully. "Overwhelming…I…I'd never felt that way…those things…that I feel with you…and it's wonderful…and scary…"

Bobby shivered. "It's just…The thought that I could hurt you…and…things from the job…the Claret case…"

"Remember," Alex said firmly. "The job can't come in here."

He looked at her in anguish. "I…I don't know if I can do that, Alex. I know I promised, but…especially this case…I'm sorry…so sorry…"

Alex tried to understand how they had moved so far in so few minutes. "What can I do? How can I help you?"

He shook his head. "It's…it's not you. You…You're wonderful. You've done so much." His hands flew up in front of his face. "I don't deserve you. You don't know…My head…What's in my head…I can't get things out…"

"Claret." Alex spat his name. "That bastard…"

"It's not just him…It's…The whole case…It's all messed up in my head…and things that happened to me…And…and I feel like I can't…can't trust myself to love you…If I can't get things settled…"

Alex brought her arms down from around Bobby's neck and placed them gently on his chest. "You think," she said, fighting to keep her voice calm. "That talking to Claret will help you?"

"I...I don't know," Bobby answered. "For all I know, it could make things worse…but…" He stood with his arms lying limp at his sides. "I…I know that you think that I'm beating up on myself…but that's not it…I gotta…I gotta know why…or at least try to find out."

Alex wrapped her arms around him and pulled his head down so that it rested on her shoulder. "All right," she whispered. "If that's what you have to do…"

END CHAPTER 27


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

Bobby checked the form to make sure that even the smartest and least ethical lawyer couldn't find a loophole. Satisfied that nothing could leak from the form and sink the case, he scrawled his name at the bottom and smiled at the memory of a case where a desperate defense attorney challenged a report because of Bobby's indecipherable signature. He glanced at Alex's desk. She also swam through the deep end of a pool of paperwork and hadn't caught his smile. Bobby wished that she had seen his smile, that she'd ask him what was so funny so that he could remind her about that time in court. He could've performed his impression of Ron Carver trying to simultaneously jump to his feet yelling "Objection!" and doubling over with laughter. They could certainly use the laugh, or even just the smile. It had been a week since the Major Case Squad welcomed Bobby back to work, with Mike Logan grumbling, "Just don't think we're going to keep having big parties for you every time you do something stupid, Goren." Logan was also the first detective to invite Bobby for a drink that evening. To Bobby's surprise and delight, much of the SVU squad joined several Major Case detectives. Bobby entered the bar just in time to see Olivia Benson and Alex struggling not to snort their drinks out their noses. Catching sight of Bobby, Elliott Stabler gave him a friendly wave. Through the evening Bobby realized that the strange happiness he felt came from being included, being a part of, a group that was happy to have him. And the fact that this was a group of cops—cops that he respected and liked—was a great and added blessing. Alex had to drag him away at the end of the evening with threats of dire reports to his doctors.

Bobby looked again at Alex, who made steady progress through the paperwork. That evening had been one of the few times free of tension between them since he'd returned to full time work. The wheels were in motion for a possible confrontation with Gregory Claret, and, while Alex made every effort to support him, it was also clear that she thought this a terrible idea. Bobby's position wasn't helped by the fact that he agreed with her at least half of the time. He missed the closeness that had grown between them and hated the gaps now between them.

"But if I can just get through this…just talk to him and find out why I'm not like him," Bobby thought. "I have to know this…before I can let myself…"

He studied Alex. "If I can love her…I have to know this."

The ringing of his phone broke into his thoughts.

Alex watched him as he took the call. Bobby would have been stunned to know how closely her thoughts matched his. Like Bobby, she missed their former closeness. He still spent many nights at her home, but now almost always on her couch. He always went to sleep after her and woke before her. She suspected he still suffered from his nightmares, but he kept them hidden from her.

"Damn, Claret," she thought angrily. "Things were going so well…And dammit, Bobby…" Alex glanced at Bobby. "No…don't blame him for being himself…That's what he is…He cares too much about everything and everyone…even people who don't deserve it."

Bobby rested the receiver in its cradle. He sighed and returned to his attack on the paperwork.

"Ok, Goren," Alex said. "What's going on?"

Bobby twirled his pen. "I…I was just thinking about that time…when the defense attorney objected to my signature…and Carver tried to address the judge…and…" He withered under Alex's skeptical eye. "Ok," he shrugged. "But I was thinking about that before…before the call…"

"And what was the call about?" Alex asked.

Bobby twirled the pen faster. "Uh…are you…you ready for a break? You want some coffee? My treat?"

Alex placed her pen on the pile of completed forms. "That bad, uh?"

"Probably," Bobby admitted. "Bad enough that you might want to be out of the office when I tell you."

"Ok," Alex said. "But I'm getting a triple venti mocha…and maybe a slice of coffeecake."

Bobby nervously followed her to the elevator. He fidgeted with his binder as the lights flashed out the floors. Only the presence of others in the elevator and on the street kept Alex from demanding that Bobby tell her what was going on. They were safely camped at a hidden table before they spoke.

"Ok, Goren," Alex said. "Spill it."

Bobby took a deep drink of coffee. "Claret…"

"I thought so," Alex said with an edge to her voice.

Bobby rubbed his eyes. "He's agreed…actually, he wants…to meet with me…"

Alex stared at her coffee cup.

"It's…it's not just for me," Bobby said weakly. He wished that Alex would just explode with the anger he deserved.

She looked up at him, and he couldn't meet her eyes.

"I'm going with you," she declared. "And I'm going in with you."

"No," Bobby said.

"No what?" Alex glared at him.

Bobby now stared at his cup. "No…you can't go in the room with me…"

"If I don't go in," Alex said firmly. "You don't go in…"

Bobby rubbed his thumb over his coffee cup. "Alex…"

"No…There's no discussion about this, Bobby."

Bobby raised his eyes to her, and the desperate look in them struck Alex with the force of a hammer.

"All right," he said in a flat and defeated voice.

Alex gripped her cup tightly. "What am I doing to him," she thought. "He'll do anything for me…even if it goes against everything he is…even if it destroys him." She took a deep breath.

"Bobby, why don't you want me in the interrogation room?"

He looked at her. "She wants to understand," he thought. "And she deserves an explanation…or at least an attempt…" He spread his hands flat on the table.

"Ok," he said. "Ok." He took a deep breath. "I'm afraid you'll provoke Claret…or distract him…or distract me…The biggest reason is that I'm afraid…you'll learn about me…"

"It sounds like," Alex said cautiously. "You're letting the personal invade the professional…"

"I know," Bobby admitted. "But I think…it would've been the same with or without the feelings I have for you."

Alex stared into her coffee. "I have to give you points for honesty, Bobby."

"This interview…it'll be at Ryker's…A really secure area…with guards in the room…" Bobby seemed to argue with himself as much as with Alex.

"If it's so safe, why won't you let me in the room?" Alex asked reasonably.

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "Like you said…I can't seem to separate the personal and the professional. If you're in there…I'll be worrying about you…and…and…what you might find out about me…"

Alex glanced quickly around the coffee shop, and, satisfied no one saw them, reached across the table to tenderly touch Bobby's hand. "I've read that file, Bobby," she said. "I don't think there's anything that will surprise me."

Bobby stared at their hands.

"I haven't exactly been objective about all of this, either…I think I understand what you're saying." She smiled at him. "But I still think I'm right. But you can go in there…with protection…But if anything shows the slightest sign of going wrong, I'm going to be in there so fast…"

"Understood," Bobby said quickly. "Actually, I'm glad you'll be there…It's just…" His grip tightened on her hand. "The thought of you being in there…not just with Claret…but with me…" He stared again at their hands. "I'm afraid of me, Alex…and I…don't know why…"

"I don't know that either," Alex said gently. "But I know I'm not afraid of you…I can't imagine there's any reason to be afraid of you…"

Bobby finally looked Alex in the eyes. The love in them warmed and thrilled him.

"Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you for trying to understand…for letting me do this."

"Well," Alex said, her voice shaking. "I love you because you're you…I have to let you be you."

End Chapter 28


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Bobby tried not to shiver at the clang of the door shutting behind him. The sound always disturbed him, but the purpose of this visit to Ryker's increased his anxiety. One of the two guards in the interview room nodded at Bobby.

"Claret will be here in just a minute," the guard said. He studied Bobby. "He really took you out in an interrogation room?"

"Yea," Bobby admitted. "But in my defense, I did have a couple of broken ribs and some other injuries at the time." He smiled weakly. "I ran into a bomb at Claret's farm."

The guard shook his head. "Don't know who I'm more impressed by. Claret for taking on you, or you for taking on Claret."

"I'm just glad I survived," Bobby said.

"Claret's been looking forward to this meeting for a long time," the guard said. "Don't worry, Detective...Two of us will be here...And I gotta tell you that since his meds have kicked in, Claret's been a model prisoner."

Bobby sat at the worn table. "I hope you're right," he said softly as the guard left. He struggled again not to shiver as the door clanked heavily shut. He attempted to take refuge in the knowledge that Alex stood outside that door and in George Huang's reports on Claret's radically changed behavior.

The cold clang of the cell door opening jolted Bobby out of his dark study. A guard entered, followed by Gregory Claret, who was followed in turn by another guard, who was followed by Claret's young female lawyer.

"Smart move," Bobby thought. "If he'd gone to trial...to have a woman representing him."

"Thank you, Detective," the young woman said. "For meeting with my client."

Bobby tilted his head to acknowledge her words. He concentrated on Claret as the guards methodically released him from the shackles and handcuffs that held him. He bore the pallid skin of someone who had experienced little sun in recent weeks, a color that contrasted with the bright orange jumpsuit he wore. The prison clothes hung loosely on his frame, and a meek, submissive air replaced his cocky and arrogant attitude. As the guards led him to the table, Claret kept his eyes focused on the ground. Bobby sat again, and Claret looked briefly and guiltily at him. The guard checked to make certain that Claret was secure and stepped back. An awkward silence descended.

"Thank you for seeing me," Claret finally said in a low, flat voice. "I...I appreciate it."

Bobby folded and unfolded his hands on the table. "It seemed," he said deliberately. "A good idea for everyone."

"Yea," Claret said. Bobby thought that he was grateful for the civil conversation. "I hope," Claret went on. "That you're better?" His voice remained flat, but Bobby was certain its tone was the result of the medications Claret now took.

"I'm getting there," Bobby answered.

"And the other detective?" Claret asked. "The blonde woman..."

Bobby fought down a shiver of fear. "She's fine...She wasn't hurt at all."

Claret relaxed. "Good...good." He glanced at Bobby. "I know you may think this is an act...I know...My expression of my feelings...It's subdued...They tell me it's because of my medications...But...I am sorry...truly sorry." Claret shook his head sadly. "I know that doesn't compare with the horrible things I did...but I am sorry."

Bobby studied Claret for several moments. In spite of his numb expression, Bobby sensed that Claret's guilt and desperate attempt at apology were genuine.

"I believe you," Bobby said simply.

Claret's head shot up. The guards stepped towards him.

"You…you do?" A desperate hope appeared in his eyes. "You're not just saying that…"

Bobby shook his head. "It's not the sort of thing I'd just say at this time and in this place."

"It's important," Claret said, his words threatening to run together. "That somebody understands…and I thought…I thought you might…" He shrugged. "I mean…you're nothing like me…" Bobby's heart hammered in his chest. "I know that…But I can't figure out why you're there…" Claret nodded across the table. "And I'm here."

Bobby stared at his hands. He had every reason not to trust Claret. He had seen and knew what the man had and could do. He was one of Claret's victims. Above all, he had promised Alex that he'd be careful, that he wouldn't place his physical or mental health at risk. But he had to save Claret—he had to save himself.

"I wonder about that, too," Bobby said softly.

The guards, Claret's lawyer, even Alex's presence behind the door, vanished from Bobby's mind. He was aware only of Claret.

"I remembered your mother," Claret said apologetically. "I remembered that I was so embarrassed when they had to move my Mom. Your mother was tough, but nice. And I saw you. I remember being surprised that you seemed to want to be there. Or at least no one forced you to be there." He spread his large palms on the table. "They had to force me to visit her. My family threatened to cut off my money."

"But they didn't know…wouldn't believe…what she did to you," Bobby said calmly.

"Yea," Claret admitted. "She did some…horrible things. Dr. Huang…some of the other doctors…They tell me that…that the women I hurt and killed…" Claret stopped. His shoulders shook with his efforts to maintain control. "That I was getting back at my Mom…They tell me that if…if I'd gotten help…or if my Mom…But her family…they didn't believe…"

Bobby folded and unfolded his hands. "Yea," he said. "It's a terrible illness…It's hard for people to admit…to see…"

"My mother's family was ashamed…still is." For the first time anger slipped into Claret's voice. "That was what they felt. They worried about what people would think…And it cost those women their lives…It cost my mother…and me…our lives…" He struggled. "I know…I'm the one who killed and hurt them…I should've gotten help on my own…I'm guilty…" A terrible sadness replaced the anger. "But if I'd gotten help…If they would've…"

Bobby took a deep breath. Claret had opened up, had accepted his guilt and responsibility. He owed Claret the same honesty. In the back of his mind Bobby heard Alex's warnings. "But I have to do this," he thought. "Please understand…"

"I think," Bobby said deliberately. "The differences between you and me…My Mom wasn't violent…at least, not to the same extent…and…there wasn't any family…They were out of the picture…I got put into care some…And some people really helped me…" Bobby shook his head. "Strange…" Claret viewed Bobby with a mix of interest and sympathy. "I always wanted a family…Always hoped someone would appear and help me. I never thought it could be a bad thing."

Claret stared at his shackled hands. "I hoped…I'd sit in school and dream of someone taking me away from them."

Another silence settled between the two men.

"The woman I hurt," Claret asked suddenly. "How is she?"

"She's…she's getting better," Bobby said cautiously. Revealing himself to Claret was one thing, but talking about Angela Correlli was an entirely different matter.

Claret was satisfied with Bobby's brief answer. "Good…good," he said with obvious relief. "You were right…I wasn't that smart…To show up at the hospital…" He smiled. "Pretty delusional."

"Yea," Bobby agreed. He sensed the clouds clearing before him. "What…what will happen to you?"

Claret acknowledged his lawyer for the first time. "I have a good lawyer…One of the benefits of that family…I'm pleading guilty to the murders and attacks…I won't ever be free again…And that's a good thing…a very good thing…In prison they'll make sure I take my meds…And I can participate in studies…It's not much…It won't bring back those women…" He looked at Bobby. "It doesn't compare with what you've done with your life…but it's something…"

Bobby stared at his hands. "Yea…something…"

"I'm sorry," one of the guards said. "Time's up. Have to take you back to your cell, Claret."

"Ok," Claret said. He offered no resistance as the guards efficiently and quickly placed the shackles and chains on him. As they led him away, he turned to Bobby.

"Thank you," he said. "I know you didn't have to do this. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am…Thank you…"

Bobby stood. "It's all right," he said softly. "And…thank you." He looked up at Claret, and their eyes briefly met before the guards guided Claret out of the room.

Claret's lawyer extended her right hand to Bobby, who shook it politely. "Thank you, Detective," she said. "Thank you for recognizing that my client is human."

Bobby stood for several minutes before he followed the lawyer out of the room.

Alex waited outside the door.

End Chapter 29


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

She stood waiting for him. Bobby thought that it wasn't the two inch heels on her boots that added to her height. He stopped a few inches in front of her, his head bowed, his hands clasped behind him. He waited for her explosion, desperately hoping it would come soon. The explosion couldn't be as bad as the waiting, the terrible awful waiting.

She stepped closer to him, and Bobby reminded his body to breath. He stared at the ground.

"Are you all right?" she asked gently.

"No," Bobby thought. "I'm not all right. I'm tired and confused and I may have lost my best friend and partner and the woman I love and I don't know what to do…"

He nodded.

"Did you find out what you wanted?" He smelt the lavender soap she used.

"Some," he whispered.

Her hand was on his shoulder. "Well, I think you helped Claret," she said. "And I have to admit…He might have deserved some help."

His eyes met hers for a moment.

"C'mon," she said. "Let's get out of here."

She led him past the guards, through the gates and doors, to the SUV. She helped me click on the seatbelt, and began the drive back to Manhattan.

"I didn't expect him to be like that," Alex said softly.

Bobby stared out the window. His head rested in his hand.

"I guess the drugs have helped him a lot," Alex continued. "He's either a great actor—the best I've ever seen—or he's truly sorry. And I don't think he's that good of an actor.

Bobby continued to stare out the window.

She tried again to reach him. "You were right…There was nothing to worry about. You get the Santa Mug for a while."

He still didn't respond.

"Ok, Goren," Alex said. "What's going on in that supersized brain of yours?"

"He was right," Bobby said softly. "If he'd gotten help…If his Mom had gotten help…If the family would've recognized…All of those lives…Those kids would still have their mothers…"

"If…If…If," Alex said gently. "You can't deal with ifs, Bobby…It'll drive you crazy." She took a deep breath. "If I dealt with ifs, I'd never gotten out of bed the day after Joe was killed."

Bobby finally looked at her. "Everyone thinks," he said. "That I had such a bad time…But you…It's never been easy for you, either…And you're…you're remarkable. You do your job well…You're an extraordinary human being…Do you ever wonder…" He fidgeted in his seat. "Why you are what you are? Where your strength comes from?"

"I'm not sure I'm all that strong," Alex said wryly. "But I guess a lot of it comes from Mom and Dad…my brothers and sisters…"

"Your family," Bobby said. "They helped you a lot…" He stared out the window again. "Claret's family helped destroy him. Mine…mine was gone…And…all the results…are different…"

"Look, Bobby," Alex said. "I know you're looking for answers to why people do the thing they do and why they are what they are. And if I've learned anything from you it's that there are reasons…But I also know some things just can't be explained." They were nearing One Police Plaza. "Maybe the difference is the right or wrong person comes into your life at the right or wrong time." She shook her head. "Remember what your father's friend—that guy who knew so much about horse racing—told you once? That even with all of that controlled breeding and the study of the odds and everything, the horses still have to run. And some of them win when they shouldn't and some of them lose when they shouldn't." She guided the SUV into the parking garage. "There are no sure bets. We make ourselves what we are."

Alex parked the car, released her seatbelt and turned to Bobby. "You are a good man," she said firmly. "You became what you are in spite of some terrible things. And I am very glad about that."

Bobby leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. "I am not Gregory Claret," he thought. "I am not. For whatever reason…I'm not him. Maybe it was my Mom…a teacher…or Alex…or God or fate or something…but Alex is good and she loves me…So, if she loves me, I must be good." He leaned forward and rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes until bright red and blue specks appeared in his vision.

"Ok?" Alex asked gently. He felt her soft touch on his back.

"I…I'm so tired," he confessed. "Everything…It seems to have drained everything out of me…"

"I can take you home…"

"No." Bobby opened his eyes. For a moment, he found it difficult to focus them. "I'll be ok." He struggled out of his seatbelt and the van.

"Bobby," Alex said patiently. "You can barely get out of the van…"

"I'll be all right," Bobby said stubbornly.

But he wasn't all right, something even he had to admit after he fought his way out of the SUV, into the office, and to stay awake as he and Alex wrestled with paperwork.

"Goren." Ross' exasperated and worried voice broke in on Bobby's efforts to stay conscious. "Why are you here?"

"Just doing my job," Bobby answered quickly and tried to concentrate on the form he knew he'd read at least three times before.

"Well, you're not doing your job if you're half dead from exhaustion," Ross said, not unkindly.

At her desk, Alex raised her eyebrows and pretended to examine a file.

"This is an order," Ross said. "Go home…sleep…rest…or at least try to. But get out of here and stay away for at least forty-eight hours."

Bobby opened his mouth to protest and quickly shut it. Ross was beyond listening to any argument, and, in truth, Bobby was neither inclined to nor in any shape to debate the point. "Yes, Captain."

Alex, resigned to intervening between her partner and captain yet again, looked up in surprise. Ross was flustered for a moment as well, and the same thought regarding Bobby flew across their minds. "He must be exhausted if he's giving up this fight."

Ross turned to Alex. "Eames, go with him. Take the time as well. You can't do much without him, and I want someone to make sure he gets home."

"Yes, sir," Alex said. She failed to mention that she was on the point of insisting on accompanying Bobby.

"Good," Ross said. "And, Goren…Good job on the Claret interview. The case is over as far as we're concerned. Claret's signed off on the plea agreement."

"Good," Bobby said softly. "Good for everyone."

Bobby stumbled out of the squad room, followed closely by Alex. "Oh, no," she said as he headed towards the subway. "You're not riding that today."

He didn't protest as she guided him to her car, strapped him in, and drove away. He drifted in and out of a restless half sleep as she drove. She planned to take him to her house, but sensed he needed a comfortable bed as soon as possible. She knew all of the secret parking spots near his apartment and easily found one. She helped me out of the car and into the building. He leaned heavily against the elevator's back wall as they headed up to his floor.

"Hey," Alex said. "Aside from the fact you're falling asleep on your feet, you ok?"

"I…I'm sorry you…" He looked at her with such need and gratitude that Alex could barely hold her gaze with him. "But I know you're not doing this because you have to…You're doing this because you want to…Because you're you…and I…I love you."

The words stunned Alex, and she couldn't speak for the rest of the elevator ride. As they stepped from the car, she recovered and lightly touched Bobby's arm. "I love you, too," she said softly.

The moment the door to Bobby's apartment closed behind them, they fell into each other's arms and kissed deeply.

"Oh, Alex," Bobby sighed. "I love you…I want you…and I'm completely exhausted…"

Alex smiled. "Boy, we're out of sync, aren't we?"

Bobby returned the smile. "If I only had the energy I had when I was a teenager."

Alex laughed. "Sometimes I wish I was one of those willowy young brunettes you seem to date…"

Bobby spread his large fingers across her face. "If you were a willowy young brunette," he said softly. "You wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be you and I wouldn't love you."

Alex blushed and brought her arms up and around his neck. She was about to kiss him again when his mouth opened in a great yawn. Alex smiled; Bobby frowned in frustration. Alex giggled; Bobby smiled. Alex laughed; Bobby laughed. They fell together on the couch and laughed until tears streamed from their eyes.

Bobby recovered first. "Ah," he gasped. "Robert Goren the great lover…"

"It's ok," Alex said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "It's something to look forward to." She stood. "Let's try to get some rest."

She led him to his bed, where she helped him shed his clothes. He managed to make it to the bathroom and to brush his teeth. When he returned, Bobby found Alex wearing one of his T-shirts and waiting for him. She pulled back the sheets and blankets, and Bobby fell heavily into bed.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," she said and brushed his lips with her fingertips.

He struggled to keep his eyes open until she slipped beside him.

"It's ok," she said softly. "You can go to sleep…I'm here…"

"Ok," he whispered.

It was cold and dark, and he stood again on that lonely rooftop. He hid again behind a vent, and heard the slam of a door, the smack of leather against skin, and the angry, threatening voice.

"No," Bobby thought. "I'm not a child. I'm not helpless. I'm not worthless. I'm good. I'm strong. I can protect myself…and others."

He stood and stepped out from behind the vent. "Here I am," he said calmly. "What do you want?"

"You…" The man was frightened and confused.

"I'm not a child," Bobby said. He stepped towards the man. "You can't bully and terrify me."

The belt dangling useless from his hands, Bobby's father stood before him.

"See," Bobby said. "In spite of you, I've become something…someone of value…I do good work. People, good people, like me…want me as a friend. A good woman loves me and I love her. I made it. You didn't destroy me. I win…I win…"

"Bobby…Bobby…"

Bobby blinked. His father and the rooftop disappeared, replaced by Alex's concerned face.

"Bobby." He loved the sound of his name in her voice. "Are you all right?"

He brushed her hair away from her face. "Yes," he said and realized for the first time since the start of the Claret case that he was truly all right. He sat up carefully and drew Alex to him. He kissed her deeply and warmly. Alex responded with equal passion and love. They had denied their physical need for each other so long that the kiss sent them both into bliss. Their hands were everywhere—touching, grasping, feeling. Each touch brought wonderful and terrible flames to their bodies. At some point Bobby turned so that Alex lay beneath him. Their need for air forced them to separate.

"I take it this was a good dream," Alex gasped.

Bobby smiled down at her. "Yea…yea it was." He reached for the bottom of his shirt but hesitated. "This…This is all right?"

Alex laughed and reached for the bottom of her shirt. "Bobby, I've only been waiting for this for months…maybe years…"

"That's a lot of pressure to put on a man…Oh, God, Alex…You're beautiful." She'd slipped the shirt over her head as he spoke. "Really beautiful. More beautiful than I ever imagined…"

Alex smiled and reached for the bottom of Bobby's shirt. "So you've imagined this, uh?" She pulled the shirt over his head, and reached for the band on his boxers.

"Oh, Alex," he moaned as she pulled the boxers from his body. His mind couldn't fathom what was happening. Her hands were hot and cool at the same time, electrifying and soothing. Shakily, he helped her slip her panties from her body. He draped his body over hers.

"You're beautiful," Alex said. "My beautiful, brave, good Bobby."

He kissed her again.

"We've already done that," Alex murmured insistently. "Not that it isn't wonderful…But I want more…More Bobby…please…"

"Beautiful, wonderful Alex," he whispered against her neck. "If I'm good…you bring it out, Alex…"

His hands were everywhere on her, creating bolts of pleasure on her body.

"Bobby…please…please…"

"Alex…am I hurting you…" He was terrified.

"No…No…" She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. "It's just…I want to make you happy…to please you…"

"You please me…You make me happy," he said huskily. "By letting me please you."

"Who am I to argue with that?" Alex cried.

He touched her joyously and reverently. She was more passionate and open in her responses than any woman he'd ever been with. "But I've never loved anyone like this," Bobby thought. "Maybe I've never really loved any one at all…I know no one has ever loved me like this…"

He was appallingly tender and tentative in his moves, and she begged him for release. "Bobby…Bobby…please…please…" Finally, at the point where Alex thought she couldn't bear it any longer and Bobby thought his body nearly beyond his control, he slipped inside her. Alex gasped, and Bobby, afraid he might have hurt her, hesitated. Alex arched against him, and Bobby pressed further inside her. They were together, they were one, neither knowing where the other began or ended. They fell together into a glorious abyss.

"I'm dreaming," Bobby thought. "This can't be real. I can't be here in Alex's arms…I…I…If it's real…I'm hurting her…I'm crushing her…"

He started to move, but Alex held him tightly. "It's all right. It's more than all right," she whispered in his ear. "Please…stay there…It's wonderful…" Her lips brushed his forehead. "You're wonderful."

Bobby nested in her arms. He was happy; he was calm; he was at home; he was loved. After several moments, he turned so that Alex rested on his chest.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you," she answered.

"I…I'm still not sure how I got here," Bobby said. "But…I'm so happy…so grateful…"

"Yea," Alex agreed. "It's been a long, strange trip."

He brushed the top of her head with his lips. "I took some pretty wild and twisted roads to get here."

She kissed his chest. "Let's try to use the straighter and smoother roads from now on."

Bobby grinned. "I don't know if I can promise you straight and smooth…but definitely interesting and fun."

Alex also grinned. "I can deal with that."

END


End file.
